Andy Burnham made clear his anger on Sky NewsAndy Burnham has accused ministers of treating people in the north of England “like second class citizens” amid mounting speculation that the next phase of HS2 will be scrapped.The Manchester mayor launched a furious attack on the government as Rishi Sunak ponders whether to axe the Birmingham to Manchester leg of the rail project.His comments came after former transport secretary Grant Shapps repeatedly refused to confirm that the high-speed line will be completed in full.Speaking on Sky News, Burnham furiously said: “Why is it that people in the north are always forced to choose - you can have this or you can have that, but you can’t have everything?“London never has to choose between a north-south line or an east-west line and good public transport within the city. “Why are we always treated as second-class citizens when it comes to transport?“This is the parliament who said they would level us up. If they leave a situation where the southern half of the country is connected by modern high speed lines and the north of England is left with Victorian infrastructure, that is a recipe for the north-south divide to become a north-south chasm.”Burnham said the abandonment of the HS2 leg would be the “desperate act of a dying government”."Why is it that people in the north are always forced to choose? Why are we always treated as second-class citizens when it comes to transport?" Mayor of Greater Manchester @AndyBurnhamGM asks.#TrevorPhillipshttps://t.co/fhIHlpTGAF? Sky 50, Freeview 233 and YouTube pic.twitter.com/1LIJlN7ieY— Sky News (@SkyNews) September 24, 2023Around £20 billion of taxpayers money has already been spent on the project, which was meant to cost £33 billion in total.However, repeated delays and soaring inflation mean there are fears the final bill could be more than £100 billion.Chancellor Jeremy Hunt has warned that the cost of the project is at risk of getting “totally out of control”, fuelling speculation that plans to extend it to Manchester will be scrapped. However, Boris Johnson has said that would leave a “mutilated” rail line and has urged the government to commit to the project.Andy Street, the Tory mayor of the West Midlands, has also called on Sunak to complete the project, while business leaders have insisted scrapping it would be disastrous for the economy.Related...'You're Answering A Different Question': Grant Shapps Clashes With Trevor Phillips Over HS2'Levelling Up? My A**e': Andy Burnham Fumes Amid Reports Tories Will Scrap Next Phase Of HS2Andy Burnham Launches Furious Attack On Keir Starmer Advisers

Shapps and Trevor Phillips clashed over the future of HS2Grant Shapps was accused of dodging the question as he clashed with Trevor Phillips over HS2.The defence secretary repeatedly failed to say whether the next phase of the multi-billion pound project will go ahead.Speculation is mounting that the government will axe plans to extend the rail line from Manchester to Birmingham.Appearing on Sky News this morning, Shapps was asked whether or not he had promised businesses HS2 would go ahead as planned while he was transport secretary.Phillips said: “Did you personally encourage people to invest on the basis that it was to run from central London to Manchester?”Shapps began to say: “We’ve invested...”But Phillips told him: “You’re answering a different question.“I’m asking you when you talked to businesses as transport secretary, did you say to them, ’look, it’s worth investing in the north in this way because there will be HS2. Did you?”But Shapps failed to answer and instead repeated that “the government is committed to improving rail infrastructure, particularly in the north”. He added: “Forgive me, Trevor. I think your viewers understand that I’m not here today to deliver the budget on your excellent programme.“I’m here to talk about actually things that I can inform you about which is for example, in my role as defence secretary and our work in Ukraine.”"Will HS2 run from Euston to Manchester?" - @TrevorPTweetsDefence Secretary @grantshapps says "it's not my area these days" but adds the PM is "prepared to do long-term difficult things."#TrevorPhillipshttps://t.co/fhIHlpTGAF

!function(n){if(!window.cnx){window.cnx={},window.cnx.cmd=[];var t=n.createElement('iframe');t.display='none',t.onload=function(){var n=t.contentWindow.document,c=n.createElement('script');c.src='//cd.connatix.com/connatix.player.js',c.setAttribute('async','1'),c.setAttribute('type','text/javascript'),n.body.appendChild(c)},n.head.appendChild(t)}}(document);(new Image()).src = 'https://capi.connatix.com/tr/si?token=ff7fdddc-5441-4253-abc4-f12a33fad58b';cnx.cmd.push(function(){cnx({"playerId":"ff7fdddc-5441-4253-abc4-f12a33fad58b","mediaId":"f3f467ea-14ca-4b46-86bd-cbad1aabe4b5"}).render("650fe6fae4b09cd54cbd17a8");});Republcian Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene called Joe Biden an “old fart”, but the insult whiffed with many social media users.On Friday, the president announced the creation of the Office of Gun Violence Prevention within the White House and later tweeted that “it’s time to again ban assault weapons and high-capacity magazines.”He added: “If members of Congress refuse to act, then we need to elect new members of Congress who will act.”It’s time to again ban assault weapons and high-capacity magazines.And let me be very clear:If members of Congress refuse to act, then we need to elect new members of Congress who will act.— President Biden (@POTUS) September 22, 2023That post apparently had Greene seeing red and she responded by tweeting back, “Whatever you old fart. We are electing a new President. Turning 45 into 47.”Greene may have thought the “old fart” comment was a truth bomb, but many users of X, formerly known as Twitter, raised a stink, especially since she’s been griping recently about the lack of “society’s standards that set etiquette and respect for our institutions.”As a result, she was thoroughly mocked.Folks…this is a sitting member of Congress. @GOP will make a fuss about dress code but allow this shit to go on…hell, even encourage it.This is despicable and childish.This poor excuse for a human needs to be removed from office or censured at a minimum. https://t.co/Wk49cQRpnX— Randy Brockway (@RandyBrockway) September 22, 2023The moral and intellectual leader of the Republican Party. pic.twitter.com/RLcbn6w0R6— Ron Filipkowski (@RonFilipkowski) September 22, 2023But I was told it was John Fetterman who was ruining decorum and tradition in Congress with his shorts. https://t.co/h5AllnoPwD— Mehdi Hasan (@mehdirhasan) September 22, 2023@RepMTG the exemplar of lowering the bar. https://t.co/CWuhVH6qp7— DianeIam ? ? (@Dian2BetterDays) September 22, 2023This is what the hag replied when Biden posted about his new gun initiative & that Congress needs to act. No class. None. https://t.co/GZiaOIhLha— Mombity at Large (@Mombity) September 22, 2023Greene has been harping on civility for everyone else but her for a while now.On Monday, after she criticised Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman for wearing a hoodie on the Senate floor, he pointed out that there are other forms of decorum. He reminded her of when she displayed nude images of Hunter Biden during a House hearing.Back in May, Greene found out how much her Democratic colleagues respect her desire for decorum when they raucously laughed at her after she told them, “Members are reminded to abide by decorum of the House,” she said, only to spark raucous laughter.Related...The Responses To Marjorie Taylor Greene’s New Memoir Are Exactly What You’d ThinkRepresentative Marjorie Taylor Greene Demanded 'Etiquette And Respect’ And You Know What Happened‘Insane And Treasonous’: Marjorie Taylor Greene Slammed Over ‘Seceding’ Message

President Joe Biden has described himself as the "most pro-union president in American history." He would be the first president ever to visit a picket line.In an unprecedented show of solidarity with organised labour, President Joe Biden will join the picket line of striking members of the United Auto Workers union outside of a production facility in Michigan on Tuesday.The Washington Post first reported the visit, and HuffPost independently confirmed it with a source familiar with his plans.“It’s time for a win-win agreement that keeps American auto manufacturing thriving with well-paid UAW jobs,” Biden said in a post announcing the visit on the social media app X later on Friday.Biden’s announcement follows UAW President Shawn Fain’s remarks on Friday welcoming the president to stand with the union members at a picket line. Biden already announced his support for the UAW’s strike against the “Big Three” U.S. automakers: General Motors, Ford and Jeep parent company Stellantis.Biden is the first known sitting president to walk a picket line with striking workers.It is also timed to undercut former President Donald Trump. The Republican front-runner is due to hold a rally with autoworkers and other union members in Detroit this Wednesday in lieu of attending the second GOP presidential debate.Trump has tried to claim that by reversing Biden’s subsidies for renewable energy, he would be a better president for UAW’s rank-and-file members. He argues that Fain, who has not endorsed Biden but has forsworn a second Trump term, is not representing his membership well.Trump, whose labour policy appointees were hostile to unions, has nonetheless declined to take a side in the UAW’s strike against the Big Three U.S. automakers. “I’m on the side of making our country great,” he told NBC News in an interview that came out last Sunday.The UAW’s unprecedented, simultaneous strike against all three car companies ― General Motors, Ford and Stellantis ― expanded Friday as Fain announced that the union was dissatisfied with the progress it had made in talks with GM and Stellantis. The UAW is calling for, among other things, major increases in pay to reflect the companies’ record profits. “By Biden going there before Trump, he would be sending a message that he supports workers,” Mike Mikus, a Pittsburgh-based Democratic strategist with close ties to organised labour, told HuffPost on Thursday. “From a strategic perspective, Trump would be forced to respond to him.”Mikus was one of many Democrats who called for Biden to visit the striking workers ― and in some cases, fretted about the consequences if he did not show up. “It makes no sense to allow Trump to go uncontested,” Mikus said.Democrat Representative Ro Khanna, one of several Democratic lawmakers who visited a UAW picket line, encouraged Biden to make the trip as well.“Working-class voters have been shafted for the past 40 years. They’ve seen wealth concentrate in districts like mine,” said Khanna, whose Silicon Valley district houses the headquarters of tech giants including LinkedIn and Apple. “They want to see people actually fighting to change the economy and structure that’s not working and have real solutions for them. The first step to that is to show up and empathize and listen.”Democrat Representative Marcy Kaptur, who represents striking autoworkers at Toledo’s Stellaris plant, stopped short of advising Biden on how best to proceed but suggested it wouldn’t be a bad thing for him to visit the picket lines.Kaptur has been sharply critical of how some in her party treat the industrial heartland but has praised Biden as a champion of organised labour, appearing with him at a 2020 UAW rally in Toledo.“He’d be very welcome,” she said, noting the critical role Biden played in the Obama administration’s auto industry bailout during the Great Recession. “Joe Biden really moved that White House to pay attention to the automotive industry.”Biden’s visit to Michigan is in keeping with a pro-labour approach that he claims has made him the “most pro-union president in American history.” In addition to Biden’s historically pro-union appointees to the National Labor Relations Board, he boasts a legislative agenda that has won him the praise and early endorsements of major labor unions.Biden’s COVID-19 economic relief bill helped public-sector union workers stay employed; his infrastructure bill won plaudits from building trades unions; and the CHIPS Act, advancing semiconductor work, is set to boost union employment in the nascent, domestic microchip production industry.But Trump’s penchant for wooing labour with theatrical gestures has once again given Democrats anxiety about the electoral effect of his lasting appeal with blue-collar workers, especially in the Great Lakes region. Eating into Democrats’ edge with blue-collar union members there helped Trump defeat Hillary Clinton in 2016 — and the trauma from that loss is still fresh in many Democrats’ minds.During that election, Trump’s intervention in a high-profile labour fight at a Carrier furnace plant in Indianapolis helped burnish his reputation as a crusader against the offshoring of manufacturing jobs. Carrier was planning to send the facility’s jobs to Mexico, and Trump promised to prevent the flight of the factory’s jobs.Trump only partially delivered — and he feuded with Chuck Jones, who was then president of the workers’ union, United Steelworkers Local 1999, in the process.But the incident highlighted Trump’s ability to capitalize on blue-collar unions’ longstanding frustration with corporate-friendly free-trade deals and the offshoring that they enable. And Jones, now retired, warned Biden not to dismiss the significance of Trump’s visit to Detroit.“He can’t afford to have Trump come in and steal the limelight as a person who is going to try to get the labour vote,” Jones told HuffPost earlier this week.Now, rather than outflanking Democrats on trade policy, Trump is hoping to capitalise on workers’ anxiety over the transition to manufacturing electric vehicles (EVs), a process that the renewable energy subsidies in Biden’s Inflation Reduction Act are due to dramatically accelerate.To ramp up their production of EVs, the Big Three have established joint ventures with non-union foreign companies with whom they are building many production facilities in the anti-union South. Though those ventures are not subject to the national “master” contract over which the UAW is currently bargaining with management, their growth is an unspoken driver of the tension between auto industry management and the UAW.Concerns about the EV transition have also prompted the UAW to refrain from joining numerous other unions in endorsing Biden’s re-election. And the union bristled at the White House’s announcement last week that it would send two officials to serve as emissaries to broker a resolution to the strike, prompting the White House to withdraw its proposal.Sean Crawford, a rank-and-file UAW member and self-described progressive who works as a model-making apprentice at the GM technical center in Warren, Michigan, welcomed Biden’s visit.“I feel like all of our politicians should be out there,” he said.But a visit alone won’t allay Crawford’s concerns about the quality of jobs in the emerging EV industry.Without higher labour standards for the EV joint ventures, Crawford said, “it makes the next generation of autoworkers subject to a gradually decreasing standard of living.”Related...10 Of The Craziest Moments From UN's General Assembly This YearDonald Trump Resurrects His Cruellest Idea For Stopping Migrants At The BorderNew Ad Mocks 'Grifter' Ted Cruz For This 1 Annoying Habit

Children’s birthday parties can prove surprisingly tricky to navigate as a parent – from the etiquette of gifting to whether you stay or drop your child off, there’s always something that’s under scrutiny. One parent has landed themselves in hot water with the internet masses for turning up to a child’s birthday party and expecting their child’s sibling to be allowed to stay, too.The party’s host took to Mumsnet recently to ask whether they were being unreasonable for thinking it was “out of order”.The parent explained they hosted a birthday party for their eight-year-old with a bouncy castle, food and party bags. They had a limited invite list and 13 children were able to make it. “One mum (who we don’t even know) turns up with her eldest (invited) and then his younger sibling (5 or 6 ish?) in tow,” recalled the gobsmacked parent.“And seemed to think that was totally fine to bring him along, despite him not being invited – no other siblings were there or invited.”The parent claimed the other child’s mum said: “His younger brother is tagging along. Do you want me to stay with them or can I go?” And because they didn’t want to make a fuss, they let them stay.Afterwards, however, the party host let rip online. “She didn’t contact me beforehand to ask if it was OK, or even drop the invited child off and then take the other one to the park around the corner. She’s not a friend, hadn’t even met her before,” said the outraged parent.They were also annoyed that the family only gave their son a card: “So she brings an uninvited kid to the party and then doesn’t even bring a gift. Who the hell does that?!”Is it ever OK to leave a sibling at a birthday party?Generally speaking, it’s frowned upon – especially if you haven’t already discussed this with the party host. While one person thought the original poster was “massively overreacting”, the majority of people in the replies were largely on their side.“You are not wrong. Uninvited children should not be at a party and she has no manners,” said one person in the comments. “It’s rude. But I wouldn’t judge too harshly,” said another. “She may be broke. The eldest might be nervous. Who knows.”Another parent said that while it’s “rude and annoying”, it does happen quite often. “I think it’s just one of those things,” they said.  People seemed to be particularly put out by the fact the parent hadn’t asked in advance whether it would be OK for both children to attend – especially as the host hadn’t pulled together enough party bags to give to the other child.Other parents advised the parent to put a proviso on future invites that only invited children can attend due to space limitations and planned party activities.“People are cheeky,” said one respondent. “The sibling thing you either need to accept will happen from time to time and roll with, or make it clear that they aren’t invited – either on the invitation or on the day if the parent is rude enough to try that on.”An article on children’s birthday party etiquette for Family Corner advises parents not to bring siblings unless they have specifically been invited.“If you’re not sure what to do, ask the hosts,” they add. “They won’t mind and will appreciate your consideration.”Related...This Mumsnet Thread On The Cost Of Kids' Parties Is Truly Eye-OpeningSoft Play Is The Worst Place On EarthI'm The Mum Of A Cancer Survivor. There’s 1 Word Other Parents Use That I’ll Never Use AgainForget 'Fiver Parties', How About Saying This To Parents Instead

Singer Ed Sheeran recently gave Courteney Cox a musical gift: A special performance of a new song inspired by the classic sitcom, Friends.Sheeran has known Cox for around 10 years and even introduced her to her boyfriend, Johnny McDaid, according to People.On Thursday, he introduced her to something else: American Town, a new song that appears on his upcoming album, Autumn Variations.“Courteney, Courteney, Courteney. I wrote this song inspired by Friends, the show that you were on,” Sheeran told his friend in a video he posted on X, formerly known as Twitter.“We’re a long way from home/ Haven’t seen you in so long/ But it all came back in one moment/ And the year started cold/ But I didn’t notice at all/ When we found there’s a room we’re both in,” Sheeran sang while Cox smiled.The part of the song that really references Friends comes in the pre-chorus part of the song: “We ate Chinese food in small white boxes/ Live the life we saw in Friends/ Your room it barely fits the mattress/ Wake up, leave for work again/ The wind it seems to blow right through us / Down jackets are the trend,”You can see Cox’s reaction to the song in the video below.American Town with @CourteneyCox#AutumnVariations#AutumnIsComingpic.twitter.com/swJiD0oHdb— Ed Sheeran HQ (@edsheeran) September 21, 2023After the brief concert, Cox asked Sheeran, “Wait, that was really about the show ‘Friends’?”He then clarified that the song was “inspired” by the show because “you eat Chinese food in small white boxes.”Although Cox told Sheeran she loved the song, she had one question.“Do I get paid?” she joked.Autumn Variations will officially be released on September 29.READ MORE:Friends Star Courteney Cox Reveals Her Inner Monica During Instagram House TourFriends Forever – All The Times The Cast Reunited On Screen After The Sitcom's FinaleJennifer Aniston And Courteney Cox Reveal Nicknames For Each Other In Throwback Birthday Post

Not all friendships last for the long haul, but those that do share many common features.I have friends from high school and college I don’t see often because we live in different cities. Sometimes we’ll go long stretches without communicating ― other than replying to each other’s Instagram stories or sending funny memes here and there. But when we do finally get the chance to FaceTime or meet up in person, it feels like no time has passed, and we easily pick up where we left off. There’s a comfort and reliability to that kind of rapport, no matter how our lives evolve.Of course, not all friendships last for the long haul. But those that do share many common features. Below, experts share the signs of a friendship that has staying power.You celebrate each other’s successes. “A very important sign of a good friend is the one who is there to help you celebrate your successes,” said Glenda Shaw, author of “Better You, Better Friends.”This can be hard for people sometimes, especially if they aren’t feeling very accomplished in their lives, Shaw noted. They may wonder, “Why isn’t this happening to me?”“The friends who are able to overcome any incipient envy and bring forth some heartfelt excitement for your success ― your golden award, your just-published book, your new house or spouse ― are joining you in an important moment in your life,” Shaw said. “They’re letting you know that your friendship matters to them.”Clinical psychologist and friendship expert Irene S. Levine pointed out that good friends root for each other’s success in all things, even when it’s difficult. “You’re cheerleaders for each other rather than competitors,” Levine said. There’s reciprocity. “A good friendship feels reciprocal with give and take on both sides,” Levine said. Of course, relationships can’t be perfectly equal at all times, but things should balance out in the long term, with both people putting in effort and showing interest. “Giving and receiving support during vulnerable times is really important for a healthy friendship,” said psychologist and friendship expert Marisa G. Franco. “There’s reciprocal vulnerability. If only one person is being vulnerable over the span of the friendship, it can be more of a dependency than a friendship. Friendship is reciprocal by nature, so there should be giving and receiving support and showing vulnerability.”Communication is easy.Communication is paramount in any personal relationship, and a friendship that’s built to last will reflect that. “There’s an ease of communication,” Levine said. “When conflicts or misunderstandings occur, they are easily and quickly resolved. You ‘get each other’ and just seem to click.”Shaw emphasised that tense situations are inevitable, but they’ll only strengthen good friendships.“Intimacy is born from conflict,” Shaw said. “The point isn’t to have friendships without conflict ― the point is how we work through these challenges. And when you talk over a challenging situation or circumstance with a friend, remember to listen to their point of view, to offer your feedback generously, and, most importantly, to be willing to adjust your own behavior. This is how our relationships can grow and thrive.”One thing that can make friendships particularly effortless and long-lasting is sharing common interests, but it's also important to respect a friend's choices and lifestyle when it differs from ours.You respect each other’s decisions. “Even if your values differ, you respect each other’s judgment and way of thinking,” Levine said. Franco defined this aspect of the relationship as “identify affirmation.” “Identity affirmation is a green flag in a friendship,” Franco said. “That’s when your friend doesn’t try to impose their values or ways of living onto you.”Franco gave the example of a friend who announces that she wants to quit her job and move to Mexico. “Even though I’m like, ‘I wouldn’t do that, I value stability,’ I wouldn’t stop my friend from doing that because I affirm their identity,” she explained. “If you’re low in identity affirmation, then you would impose those standards onto a friend and say ‘I don’t think you should do that. I think you’re making a dumb decision.’”You can rely on their support.A fundamental part of friendship is being able to depend on each other for support when needed. “It is always a good sign in a friendship when a person truly shows up for you when you are mentally or physically vulnerable,” Shaw said. “Think about the people who stay in contact with you when you’re sick, who call to check on you and who deliver nourishing food so that you don’t have to cook.”The pandemic has led to countless stories of support from friends helping people get through difficult experiences, Shaw said. Showing up makes a difference, and doing it consistently lets your friend know that you can rely on each other. “This is about the people who stay the course whenever you’re going through a tough time,” Shaw added. “In one research study of 3,000 women with breast cancer, it was shown that these women were most likely to survive this disease if they had close friends to rely on during the course of their illness.”You have common interests.One thing that can make friendships particularly effortless and long-lasting is sharing common interests.“This might include work interests, hobbies, being mothers, being single, etc.” Levine said. She added that those points of overlap can also be matters of convenience. “Perhaps you live in the same neighbourhood and can do errands together and help each other out in a pinch,” Levine said. “Your time schedules are in sync. For example, a mother with young children will have far less time for friendship than a single friend.”The relationship can evolve.Being aligned in terms of location, interests or life circumstances can strengthen friendships. But of course, there are plenty of strong relationships between people who aren’t as in sync. A sign of a good friendship is one that can evolve as you and the other person change and grow. Becoming single again, moving away, having kids and other big transitions will inevitably affect your friendship in some way. But if it’s meant to last, you’ll be able to catch up and fall back into that easy communication when you reunite. “The friendship is forgiving and allows for changes, which may even include not speaking or seeing each other for some time,” Levine said. There’s vulnerability.“A non-negotiable factor that determines the health and depth of every relationship is vulnerability,” said friendship expert and author Shasta Nelson.Vulnerability involves sharing in a way that “leaves us feeling known,” Nelson said. There’s a lot of risk and reward in vulnerable moments. “One of the best signs in a friendship is when, as an act of love, a friend takes the risk of telling you something that they know might hurt you,” Shaw said. “One time I couldn’t go out partying with friends, and my then-beau hit on a good friend of mine. The next day, she came to see me, and she gently told me what had happened. It was as difficult for her to tell me this as it was for me to hear it ― but she knew that I needed to hear it. And I did!”While the romantic relationship ended, Shaw and that friend remain close to this day. “If you select friends you can trust, then they will look out for your best interests,” she said.Related...Have You Been 'Anti-Ghosted'? Experts Explain What To Do Next.Yes, Friendships Change After Parenthood – But Maybe Not For The Reason You ThinkYes, Really – Friendships Can Make You Live Longer

The author and her husband, Kurt, "madly in love."“Do you mind if I touch you?” asked the erotic professional whose sandalwood burning, chakra-chic bedroom I’d recently entered. She was speaking of our general arrangement. We were staring at her bed. In her red wrap-dress, gold sandals and brown bob, she looked like a 50-something starlet from a bygone era. Her current vocation was more relevant.On her website, I’d read she was a “tantrika” offering sensual experiences for therapeutic purposes: a practice loosely known as sexological bodywork. This type of genital client engagement — featured on Gwyneth Paltrow’s Netflix series, “Sex, Love & Goop”— is illegal in every state except California. We were not in California.  I hadn’t come for criminality. As a petite, middle-aged woman with a penchant for blazers and low heels, I’d arrived at this last resort to heal. Thirty years of silence, interspersed with conventional remedies, had yielded little recovery from abuse-related dysfunction. I had issues with desire, arousal and orgasm. Penetration was just as painful now as my first attempts at 17. This plethora of problems had ruined every relationship I’d ever had. But at 46, miraculously, I married someone wonderful.Kurt supported my overcoming a universe of hurdles. I couldn’t seem to begin. In fact, all my symptoms got worse after the wedding till our union became a pendulum — nighttime crying swung, in the daylight hours, to tight-jawed pleasantries. This was not the ecstatic merging I’d waited for my entire life. I needed to reclaim a potential that had been stolen from me.Yet now that I had the chance, I stood frozen before the tantric expert’s brass bed.“You know,” she began in a lilting Italian accent. Her name was Francesca. “You don’t even have to take your clothes off. Or I could take off my clothes.” “That’s OK!” I practically shouted. A second later, taking control of the situation, I began removing my yoga pants. “I only want to take off my lower half,” I told her.I told myself: Just like at the gynaecologist, acknowledging this was nothing like any physician’s office I’d ever been to. I wanted this experience to be different. Maybe I could finally get answers to questions plaguing me since the Reagan years. Why was there burning with intercourse? Were bad sensations the only reason I had no desire? Did I possess a capacity to climax? For years, I never grilled an OB/GYN. They seemed perplexed enough by knees that wouldn’t plop open during exams, even when I told them — on their medical history forms and verbally — I’d been violated. The one time I requested an overview of coital mechanics, my doc pointed to a poster of the female reproductive system, blinking furiously. She said I was manoeuvring my husband’s penis into the wrong part of the vagina. “It’s not supposed to hit the cervix,” she scolded. Apparently, I was a failed fornicator. Mental health providers weren’t any better. The handful I’d seen over the decades mostly shrugged, heads tilted empathically, when faced with my intimate woes. A few were more vocal, like Dr. Fay, who insisted the sexual abuse I experienced as a child had zero effect on my carnal responsiveness. “Maybe you’re just not a very sexual person,” she concluded. Her next breath was a warning: I should sleep with my husband whenever he wanted; otherwise, he’d leave. A sex therapist I consulted with — from the basement of a Panera — stopped me after three minutes. “You have pelvic pain? I don’t see anyone with pelvic pain.” I was too broken for even a sex therapist.The author and Kurt getting married at City Hall.Francesca had no trouble with my barrage of Qs. Prior to entering her boudoir, we had sat in a front office, where I detailed every crevice of my history. She emphasised that the physical component of our 90 minutes together could bring illumination. I nodded, while thinking, If this really is sex work, how will that play out?Here’s how. Once I was undressed, the tantric mistress placed a navy towel on the puffy gold comforter. She plopped down beside me. “Tell me,” she said. “Do you know where the clitoris is ― I mean on your body?” I laughed, relieved we were starting with basics. “Of course,” I declared, showing her what she was looking for. “Yes, that’s it,” she said, peering in. “But you need to lift up the hood.”“I’ve already done that.” “No, you haven’t.”“Isn’t this the clitoris?” I asked, indicating the flesh I was holding between index finger and thumb.“That’s still only the hood,” she replied.Hot shame spread across my face. Francesca patted my leg gently before repeating the phrase: “May I touch you?” This time, consent was for real — with contact. A moment later, I felt her warm hand: “So you pull this up, OK? ... Here is the clitoris. Of course, when you’re aroused it will be much bigger.”I had to strain my neck to see the shiny head poking through. “I didn’t know,” I said, wiping fat tears from my cheeks. “That’s why you’re here!” Her liquid brown eyes were smiling, with cute crinkles in the corners. “Do you know how few women know they’re built like that?”I tried hard to believe her as she fetched a mirror.Then, like Lewis and Clark in lipstick, the sexological bodyworker and I mapped my pleasure terrain. We began at the recently excavated bliss button. She showed me how it extended from the hood to a shaft before going underground — an internal network of tumescence. On the skin above, we traced clitoral “legs” running inside labia, and “bulbs” hugging the opening to the vagina. “The full clitoris makes a wishbone shape,” Francesca told me.No wonder I’d never enjoyed lovemaking. I hadn’t known where all the nerve endings were! Sitting up now on the blue towel, resting from too many insights, sipping a glass of water she’d brought me, I listened to my guide describe our next adventure. She would teach me how to have penetration that actually felt good — the main reason I’d taken this risk. There were three parts to this lesson, and the explanation for each made me dizzy. I was advised to recline again so my brain could relinquish understanding to my body. The first step was deep relaxation. My hostess had me do slow, audible exhales (“Ahhhhhh”) while pressing right above my public bone. Coordinating breath and pressure was awkward. Stunningly though, after some minutes, I felt a sudden release of my genitals ― like a fist unclenching.The author feeling cheeky after seeing the tantrika.I think I was still in shock from this success when we got to step two — engorgement and lubrication. According to my teacher, I needed to comprehend these, experientially, in order for intercourse to go smoothly. In other words, she wanted me to get turned on. Her logic was sound, yet it made my armpits damp. Sure, I’d come there to get savvy about arousal. But did I actually want to get aroused? Here? With her? I didn’t. Though how else could I get the full picture? A view I’d paid $500 for, after saving for months. There was no turning back. I let the Mediterranean sexpert stroke the upper right quadrant of my little happy place. When she asked if she might do the same with my G-spot, I invited her to reach right in. Surprisingly, I felt no discomfort with entry ― only blood expanding the area, aka engorgement, and, yes, emerging lubrication. As quickly as I could, I replaced her hand with my own, so I could calmly replicate her techniques. I took a deep breath, just like she taught me. The G-spot felt ridged, like Braille. It was like learning to read myself.At this juncture, we were at step three: the finale. Francesca was going to teach me how to screw. That is, how to use my muscles in a manner that brought joy, not pain. She demonstrated while lying beside me. “As the pelvis moves forward,” she instructed, lifting her loins off the blanket, “contract around the penis, and breathe in.”I tried this alongside her.“As the pelvis moves back,” she continued, placing her bottom back on the bed, “release the vagina muscles... and exhale.”Before long I was dancing with her. Tushy up. Tushy down. With all the inner workings. Where else was I going to get this information?I don’t remember dressing — too much of a daze. I do recall handing her my credit card: the transaction. Hard to believe this was the act that could throw us in jail. The real exchange was something else — her compassionate skill with my traumatised body. It’s been eight years since my visit with Francesca, and I’m happy to report Kurt and I are going well. If a great marriage grows from a stable sensual connection, then my hands-on guru is a crucial part of our root system. My husband and I use her instruction — anatomy, nerve endings, placement of parts, deep breathing — whenever we make love.Maybe lots of nooky — and good info about it — accounts for the extra courage. Once I realised I wasn’t broken (just ill-informed), bravery sprouted in my heart ― and lower. I became relentless in finding improved medical and mental health providers. Resolving pelvic pain, I realised, takes a village. I needed a trauma therapist, a gynaecologist focused on pain disorders, a pelvic floor PT and erotic education.  Once I realized I wasn’t broken (just ill-informed), bravery sprouted in my heart ― and lower. I wish it hadn’t taken me 30 years to recover from early molestation — and that doing so didn’t break the law. Maybe one day, the U.S. will make sexological bodywork legal, like it is in California — that’s where Paltrow’s Netflix show is filmed. Could my country even go the way of Denmark, where “sexual advisers,” trained by the government, help people with physical disabilities (those who use wheelchairs, for instance)?Trauma can do its own number onintimate function. Other factors mess with it too: hormones, aging, birth control pills, medications, childbirth, parenting, cancer, depression, weight gain, weight loss, chronic pain, vascular issues, communication mishaps and daily stress, to name a few. Everyone deserves accessible ways to restore wholeness. What restoration looks like will vary from person to person. Not everyone wants their package handled by a bodyworker. How are we to know options, though, without open discussion of healing modalities? We need frank conversations about bodies, pleasure and sexual solutions. Since one size doesn’t fit all, they should be customised for each individual, throughout a person’s life. I believe the Danes have it right — sexual wellness is a critical part of overall health. Hell might have to turn as cold as Copenhagen for America to value erections, particularly, the female kind. Till then, I’d gladly commit my crime again. In fact, I did. A few weeks after seeing Francesca, I visited her a second time — with my husband. He was curious how this magic woman had transformed me. He wanted his own transformation. That session, focused primarily on emotional intimacy, equally informs our relationship. Here’s to all matrimony savers, whatever their legal status. Hail to all helpers of love. Laura Zam is an award-winning writer, speaker, and sexual health coach. She’s the author of the memoir “The Pleasure Plan: One Woman’s Search for Sexual Healing.” Other writing appears in The New York Times, Salon, SheKnows, and many other publications. Find her at LauraZam.com.Related...I Became A Monitor At A Sex Dungeon. Here’s What I Discovered There.Speaking To Your Vagina Can Help It Thrive, Says GynaecologistI Am A Sex Worker. Here’s Why Calling Me One Matters

Clockwise from top left: Iris Law, Indya Moore, Keke Palmer and Saweetie are among the celebrities who have had their heads shaved.Think of all the time you spend caring for, styling and just generally worrying about your hair. Now imagine if all that effort just went away, as quickly as it would take for your stylist to fire up the electric shears and give you a dramatic, ultra-short hairdo.The shaved look has been trending as the hairstyle of the moment, as Demi Lovato, Keke Palmer, Indya Moore, Saweetie, Iris Law and other celebrities cut it all off. And many of their fans are following suit. View this post on InstagramA post shared by Demi Lovato (@ddlovato)“Like an item on your bucket list, at some point in their life everyone says, ‘I want to shave off my hair,’” stylist Rod Anker told HuffPost. “Well, now or never! With the world the way it is, more people are doing things that their previous selves would not have dreamt of doing. We’ve seen some of our most conservative clients go from extreme length to a close-cropped shave.”“Everyone should try it, no matter what head shape, color or facial features you have,” stylist Dominick Pucciarellotold HuffPost. “Any lifestyle, and any age, lend themselves to this style. If you’re not afraid of change or letting your vulnerability show, go for it. It’s a sign of release and letting go.”A buzz cut can even be one very effective way to achieve a “blank slate” that erases some hair choices you might not be enjoying any more. “It can be very liberating, and a great way to sort of ‘start over,’ especially if your hair is damaged from excess heat styling or from poorly done colour or extensions,” stylist Dita Durga told HuffPost.Do you have a weird-shaped head? Probably not, and also, who cares?Even those who are more than ready for the liberation that Durga described may have some concerns. It turns out that many of us are skeptical about what shape of noggin might be lurking under our follicles, but perhaps without good reason. “Everyone says ‘My head is a weird shape,’ but most people have very similarly shaped heads,” Anker said.Still, your stylist will be happy to do a bit of hand-holding (and head holding?) before the shearing starts. “A stylist can examine the head shape for balance and suss out unsightly bumps or flat spots,” Amy Abramite, creative director and stylist at Maxine Salon, told HuffPost. “The occipital bone, which is the rounded part of the head above the nape, is key for a flattering shape. The shaved head looks best with an oval or heart-shaped face, because the jawline tapers in for a more slender effect.”Accessories can help you pull off the look you’d like, no matter what your face shape. “Someone with a round face, for example, can opt for more square-ish glasses and longer earrings to alter the overall look,” Anker said.In the end, though, it’s all up to you. “Ultimately, I feel every head shape is beautiful,” Durga said. “Talking about the ‘wrong’ shape is just the patriarchy seeping into our collective psyches.”Is this a DIY project or stylist-only thing?Even though it seems like a pretty straightforward job, you might want to book a stylist appointment for your first foray into a close-cropped look. And don’t come to the appointment empty-handed. “Find some inspiration photos you’re drawn to and bring them to your hairstylist,” stylist Michelle Ceglia told HuffPost.“Having your stylist do the cut, at least the first time, may be the way to go, since there are lots of places you can’t see when you’re doing it yourself,” stylist Tim Foster told HuffPost. “Have a professional stylist shave your head with the proper equipment to be safe and avoid nicks or cuts,” Abramite advised. “Plus, the ear area will need delicate manoeuvring with the clipper.”There also are complexities to the cut that a good stylist will appreciate. “In my opinion, there still needs to be a level of detail in the cut to complement your head shape and face,” Ceglia said. “It’s not a one-step process for me. I judge which areas should be left a little longer to encourage symmetry that makes up for what may naturally be lacking.”Maintaining the look“Your hair grows approximately half an inch per month,” Abramite said, “so you’ll need to trim it once every two to four weeks.” You might decide to keep it short, or you may want to see what happens when you grow it out. “With a super-short style, you can change your look with almost every cut, making changes and altering the color faster than you could before,” Anker said.Pucciarello suggested that, if you want to maintain a short style, you might want to invest in a buzzer and ask your stylist for tips on using it. “I’m sure if you have a long enough relationship, they’ll help guide you through it,” he said.What will you do with all that extra time you used to spend on your hair? Foster has an idea. “Since you don’t need to worry about styling your hair as much, you can put more effort into your makeup, if you’d like,” he said. “A feminine face is a feminine face, with or without hair. I remember when I was a kid, the only makeup my mom wore was lipstick. It always made a difference.”Products to helpThere are some products you might want to use with your new do. “If you have short hair, you have to pay more attention to scalp health,” Durga said, and suggested Najeau, a pre-shampoo scalp oil that nourishes the scalp, boosts shine, prevents breakage and improves blood circulation to stimulate hair growth. Durga also suggested Kevin Murphy’s Free Hold Cream for styling. “Buzzed hair can be so fun to play with, and this cream is super pliable. But if your hair is too short to style, then enjoy breaking the matrix and just focus on that scalp health,” Durga said.As your hair grows, you may need to pick up another product or two. “Short-cropped hair needs texture, so we like to use a texturizing powder for short styles,” Anker said. “It gives you support, adds texture and doesn’t leave the hair too stiff.”When you’re ready to grow it outAs for how to grow it out gracefully, Ceglia suggested that you need to consider your goals and how you want your style to look in the future. “In general, after a few months of growth, you should have the ends cut and use some product to achieve a less ‘grown out’ look,” she said.Made up your mind yet? Consider these parting words from Durga: “While you should understand that it’s a commitment to do this, it could also be the perfect opportunity for you to learn about what makes you feel beautiful. Plus, it’s just hair ― and it grows back.” Related...Strictly Star Amy Dowden Says She's Feeling 'Empowered And Positive' After Shaving Her HeadPeople Share The Real Reasons They Got The Hell Out Of Their Group ChatI'm Turning 26 And I'm Pretty Sure I'm Having A Quarter-Life Crisis

Travel and mental health experts share their advice for avoiding these travel stressors.Taking a vacation can be a great way to unwind, but often the way we approach travel makes it anything but relaxing. In fact, many of our vacation habits are quite stress-inducing. “It’s important to remove stressors from vacation time when possible because our brains and bodies are not meant to work constantly with no break,” Jenny Maenpaa, a psychotherapist in New York, told HuffPost.“Just like we need sleep every night to repair and recharge, we need longer stretches of destressing and decompression to step away from our daily grind,” she added. “Instead of thinking of vacation as a time to just build back up your reserves of energy so you can deplete them again when you return, think of it as a time where everything you work on, learn and absorb in your daily life has time to actually take hold, become permanent, and improve your quality of life overall both on vacation and back in your regular life.”Below, travel and mental health experts share common vacation habits that tend to add stress to what should be a calming time. Read on for their insights and advice for avoiding these scenarios.Overplanning“Overscheduling is the No. 1 way to turn a relaxing vacation into a stressful one,” said Laura Ratliff, the senior editorial director of TripSavvy. “Even if you love a jam-packed itinerary ― FOMO, I get it! ― try leaving one day entirely open for exploration on your next trip,” she added. “In a city, this might mean you wander and discover a great record store or coffee shop, while on a secluded beach trip, you might finally get to finish that book you’ve been putting off for months.”Marek Bron, a travel blogger at Indie Traveller, similarly advised against jamming too many activities and sightseeing goals into a single day. Having every minute of the day scheduled might seem like a great way to feel in control of your trip, but it doesn’t foster relaxation. “I know the urge to see and do as much as possible is strong, especially when vacation days are limited, but it’s hard to enjoy each activity if you’re constantly in a rush,” he said. “I often find it helpful to trim your most ambitious itinerary by about a third, so that there is plenty of time left to spare. That way you won’t actually need to destress from your vacation when you get back home.”Skipping Meals“Skipping meals is another bad habit that many people fall prey to,” said Phil Dengler, co-founder of The Vacationer. “It often goes along with planning too many activities in a day, and almost guarantees you will be stressed out.”If you’re determined to plan every minute of your day, make sure you schedule some meals in between tourist attractions. “At the very least, bring enough snacks with you,” Dengler said.Being Too Stringent With ItinerariesJust as you should avoid jamming too many activities into each day, you should also try to let go of the notion that you have to stick to exactly what you planned.  “Having too rigid a schedule is the most stress-inducing vacation habit,” Dengler noted. “Some of the best activities and restaurants that I have found on vacation were after asking a local or loading up Google on the spot.”Be open to spontaneity during your travels, rather getting upset if something doesn’t go according to plan. Enjoy the way things unfold naturally and the excitement that brings. “Leave room for serendipity,” said Konrad Waliszewski, co-founder and CEO of Tripscout. “Remember, no great travel story ever happened by things going exactly as planned.” Checking Your Work Email“You think to yourself, ‘I’ll just check my email while I’m out of the office so that when I return, I will have decluttered the spam and the reply-alls so I can jump back in with focus!’” Maenpaa said. “Instead, you open your email from the pool, see a notification that something went wrong, and suddenly your brain is back in work mode.”Indeed, unplugging is often easier said than done, but getting sucked into work on vacation can mean derailing the whole experience. Keep your eyes off your inbox and trust that whatever needs addressing can be dealt with after you return. If anything is truly emergency-level urgent, you’ll get a call anyway. “When you check your email during vacation, your panic will be intensified because you can’t even do anything about the problem, so you’re stressing about the issue without any options at your disposal for actually addressing it,” Maenpaa said. “And then your brain is completely focused on work for the rest of your vacation with no way to do anything.”Resist the urge to check your work email during a vacation. Comparing Your Trip To Other People’s Travels“In general, we constantly feel the need to have something to show for our time ― including in our downtime ― especially when others ask us what we did or saw while away,” said Sue Varma, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at NYU Langone Medical Center. “The comparison game with our peers extends to vacation as a way of signaling social status and savvy.”Most of us have spent more time than we’d like to admit scrolling through people’s fabulous vacation photos on Instagram. But it’s important to remember that other people’s travel highlights have no bearing on your experience.Just because you can’t afford a room at the hotel with the fancy-looking pool you saw on someone’s social media doesn’t mean your vacation is inherently less amazing than theirs. Fixating on those comparisons is a recipe for disaster.“My general advice for people trying to keep up with others: Stop flexing and start relaxing,” Varma said. “And if you are going to take a lot of pictures, build in a no-photo period where you put the phone away.”Underplanning“Sometimes, by the time we take a vacation, we are so burned out that we plan absolutely nothing,” Maenpaa said. “We say, ‘I am going to sleep and drink fruity cocktails and come back completely blissed out!’ But when we’re used to being pretty scheduled and busy, that kind of empty stretch can backfire. We can wake up and feel a sense of dread knowing that there is nothing scheduled today, tomorrow or the next day.”Instead, she recommended making a short list with a few major sites or restaurants you’d like to visit and sprinkling them in across your vacation. Make a couple of reservations in advance if they’re required, but don’t go overboard. Just a little bit of planning goes a long way.  “Over-planning and under-planning can be equally stressful,” said Ciara Johnson, a travel blogger at Hey Ciara. “Overplanning can leave very little room to actually breathe and soak up the experience; meanwhile, underplanning can cause a traveler to miss out on great experiences. It helps to have a balance of activities and free time where spontaneity can occur.”Ditching Your Self-Care Habits“If there are certain habits that keep you sane at home, it’s likely that dropping them as soon as you land at your destination will cause undue stress,” said Meg Gitlin, a psychotherapist and the voice behind the Instagram City Therapist. “For example, if you know that regular physical exercise keeps you clearer and more balanced mentally, it’s not the best idea to take a seven-day break from it altogether.”She suggested finding ways to modify your routine to feel more “vacation like.” Instead of that 6 a.m. bootcamp class, perhaps you take a long walk on the beach or hike a trail with a loved one.  “Essentially, you are taking what works for you at home and making it feel like more of a vacation,” Gitlin said. “Otherwise the cumulative mental impact will likely build up over time regardless of how ‘relaxed’ you may feel.”If you like to meditate or journal when you’re at home, try to carve out a little time to stick to these aspects of your routine during your trip. And if you aren’t a heavy drinker at home, that doesn’t mean you have to chug countless cocktails just because you’re on vacation.Only Booking The Cheapest OptionsVacation budgets aren’t always negotiable, but you can adjust your spending priorities to ensure a less stressful experience. Instead of eating every meal in a nice restaurant, divert some of those funds toward transit and accommodation and check out the local street food options. “Blindly booking the cheapest flight and hotel can lead to a terrible experience,” Dengler said. “While it is important, and many times necessary, to find reasonably priced flights and accommodations, do not do it at the expense of your own enjoyment.”He advised against booking that flight with two layovers that adds an extra 10 hours to your travel time or choosing that hotel with awful reviews that is a little cheaper than a nearby one that you will like much better.“Consider the minimum level of comfort that you need from a flight and accommodation and then book the cheapest ones,” Dengler said. Vacation budgets aren’t always negotiable, but you can adjust your spending priorities to ensure a more relaxing experience. Think about where you want to splurge and where you want to save. Not Understanding Your BudgetOn the flip side, it’s important to get a clear sense of your overall budget and expenses before you travel.“Decide ahead of time where you want to splurge. Will it be housing, food, nightlife, activities, or all the above?” said Ravi Roth, a queer travel expert and host of “The Gaycation Travel Show.”This is a situation where advanced preparation pays off by allowing you to spend wisely and avoid panicking during your trip.“Going over budget can be stressful but planning out where you will splurge ahead of time is the best way to go,” he noted. Setting Unrealistic ExpectationsWe all want our vacations to be as smooth and close to perfect as possible. But reality isn’t always 100% free of adversity, so don’t set that expectation.“If you know traveling with extended family tends to bring up stressors, prepare yourself emotionally and make a game plan for when things get too heated,” Gitlin said, suggesting you retreat to your room, plan a separate excursion or call in friend in these moments. “People may hope to be more relaxed versions of themselves on vacation but can also be triggered or thrown off by the disruption of routine,” she added. “Your mother won’t suddenly become ‘easy’ because she’s in the Caribbean and not in her kitchen in New York.”Having unrealistic expectations ― whether it’s with interpersonal dynamics or logistics ― will only set you up for disappointment and frustration.“Getting to a travel destination remains a common stressor,” said Casey Brogan, a consumer travel expert at Tripadvisor. “It is important to remind ourselves that the journey to get there is not the vacation. Pack your patience, and recognise that airlines, hotels and restaurants on your vacation are doing their best to serve you under historic labor and supply chain challenges.”Not Coordinating With The GroupIf you’re traveling with a large group or even just another couple, take time to discuss everyone’s goals and expectations.“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard clients complain about trips being hijacked by differing travel styles, eating habits or shopping habits amongst a group,” Gitlin said. “It’s expected that people will have different desires and expectations but it’s important to convey that this may require the group to split up or make compromises.”If you have different airport timing styles, for example, just plan to meet at the gate rather than attempt to share a car. Pressuring Yourself To RelaxManaging expectations will help you remain calm throughout your travels, which allows for more moments of zen and bliss. On that note, don’t overthink and stress about whether or not you’re having a nice experience.“As strange as this may sound, trying too hard to relax can also stress people out,” said Rachel Thomasian, a licensed therapist and owner of Playa Vista Counselling. “I compare it to when people try too hard to meditate and then just end up being frustrated, the pressure to relax can often be counterproductive.”Instead, just try to exist in the moment and respond to what your mind and body are telling you. If sitting on the beach trying to read that book you packed isn’t working out, get up and go for a walk or swim instead. Forgetting To Include Buffer Time If possible, try to include a little bit of buffer time right before and after your trip to make the transition in and out of vacation mode smoother. “A vacation habit that adds quite a bit of stress is not tying up loose ends before turning on your away message on your email and voicemail,” Thomasian said. “It can be so stressful to try and finish all the things right before you leave, so maybe have a day dedicated as a buffer in between rushing to finish up work and going on a vacation.”Varma similarly advised building in buffer time after you return from your trip. “Give yourself a day or a few hours  to ‘recover’ before you get back to work,” she said. “Unpack and do laundry. Sometimes it takes a weekend to cycle back.”She also noted that some people get post-vacation blues after the big trip they planned and looked forward to has ended.“Their mood dips,” she said. “They are coming down from the dopamine high of the novelty, stimulation and friendships depending on the kind of trip. Use photos and messaging to remember the highlights and stay in touch. Planning fun activities or even your next trip can help beat the post-vacation mood dip.”Related...The Rudest Things You Can Do While Hosting Overnight GuestsI Dated My Camp Boyfriend For 3 Summers. Years Later, His Sister Found Me — And We Fell In Love.UK Holidaymakers Warned Over Simple £150 Airport Parking Fee Mistake

In Spain in 2010, six months after his mother's initial diagnosis.When I turned 43, my mother forgot my birthday for the first time. The moment I had dreaded for years, ever since she was diagnosed with dementia four years earlier, had somehow caught me by surprise. Her decline had been so gradual ― so imperceptible that even the battery of exams performed by her psychologist barely registered a change year to year ― that I thought I’d be able to hold onto her somehow.Then, suddenly, I lost her. Or, perhaps more accurately, she lost me. Normally, a few days before my birthday, she’d send a card ― always something funny, never anything sappy ― that she’d signed from my father and herself. Then, on my actual birthday, she’d call shortly before 6 in the evening and tell me: “Right about now, on this day in 1970, a beautiful boy was born ― just in time for dinner.” I was a very large baby: 10 pounds, 8 ounces, exactly the kind of baby who’d show up just before dinnertime. On my 43rd birthday, the card and the call never came. The stories about my birth that she repeated every year went untold. I was starting to fade from her mind.I should have remembered who loses whom when it comes to dementia. As a teenager, I watched my paternal grandmother’s long decline from Alzheimer’s disease. The woman who once made sure to keep orange Tic Tacs ― my favourite ― in her pockets when she came to spend a few days with us began to look at me with confusion and, eventually, complete blankness; there were no more treats bought just for her grandson. Instead of candy, she started keeping a slip of paper in her pocket to remind her of her grandchildren’s names. It seemed insignificant at the time, but looking back now, I realise what that note indicated: that my grandmother lost all of us years before we lost her. My mother ― whose broadly diagnosed dementia was now quite clearly Alzheimer’s disease ― was now following a similar path, where people and timelines were starting to blur. A few months after my 43rd birthday, as we stood in her kitchen, she asked me when I was going to finish high school. I wasn’t sure if she was slipping back in time to the 1980s ― the last time I lived in that house, when I was in high school ― or if she was confusing me with her youngest grandson, who was indeed about to graduate. Perhaps in her mind, I was both me, then, and him, now. Or neither. The increasingly confusing conversation got cut short a few minutes later when it was time to go see a movie. Before we walked out the front door, she asked, “What are we going to do with the baby?”“What baby?” I asked.“Our baby,” she clarified. She had now realised I wasn’t a teenager, but a middle-aged man with a gray beard ― and she now thought I was my father, who is 30 years my senior, and we’d slipped back to the 1970s. “I’m your baby,” I said.She narrowed her eyes and looked at me sideways, as if she was trying to figure out if this was some kind of joke ― and if so, what the punchline was. In the words of the Alzheimer’s Association website: “Alzheimer’s gradually takes away the person you know and love.” That’s true. It took away the woman I used to speak with on my way to work every morning. It took away the person who always supported me emotionally, and was interested in hearing about my life ― my job, my husband, my travels. It took away the person who made me laugh more than anyone else I’ve ever known.But it took me away from her, too, and I wasn’t prepared for how that would make me feel. When she couldn’t remember what she’d eaten for dinner the previous night, I knew that it didn’t ultimately matter. When she forgot the trip we’d taken together the previous year, it was disappointing, but not devastating. When she forgot where I’d worked for the past 10 years, or lived for the past 20, it was frustrating ― but it didn’t shake me to the core. But eventually, the clock would rewind far enough to remove me from her mind completely.Her memory didn’t disappear in a consistent and irrevocable reverse-chronological manner. It retreated like waves at low tide. It would recede, and then return, but not quite to the same point it had been before. And again, and again, each time pulling out farther and coming back just a little less. People and timelines go hand in hand, since each provides context for the other. As my mother’s long-term memory ebbed, receding ever further into the past, she began to forget the people involved in now-forgotten events that had happened in more recent years. She held on to me for years after her diagnosis, but eventually the tide pulled back too far ― before 1970, before I was born. And I vanished.Finally, she moved into a group home for people with dementia. When I visit now, much of her has already disappeared, but if I look closely, really concentrate on her face, I can still see glimpses of her old self in a gesture, an expression. On increasingly rare occasions, she mutters a word or two and I recognise her voice. She is fading, ever fainter, but I haven’t completely lost her. But the harder truth is evident in her eyes, when they scan past me without recognition: I’m the one, it turns out, who’s gone. Read more about how Alzheimer’s affected Wayne’s relationship with his mother in his new true-crime family memoir “The End of Her: Racing Against Alzheimer’s to Solve a Murder,” and follow him on Instagram @waynehoffmanwriter.Related...The Unexpected Alzheimer's Symptom That Affects 12 Million BritsThe 8 Things You Can Do Now To Protect Your Brain From DementiaAnticipatory Grief Might Be The Process You Don't Even Realise You're Going Through

Ask your child why they changed their mind about the sport or team. Many parents find themselves in this predicament at one point or another: Your  kid isn’t enjoying sports. Do you push them to keep with it? Or do you let them quit? On the one hand, you want to instill values like perseverance and commitment.  But on the other, you don’t want to force them to continue with an activity that’s doing more harm than good. Unfortunately, there isn’t a cut-and-dry answer on how hard to push. But talking to your child, understanding their personality and doing some thoughtful reflection can help guide you toward the right decision for your family.There are benefits — and drawbacks — to pushing your kid to stick with itIt could be an opportunity to teach your child important life skills, like learning to tolerate discomfort, which will bolster their confidence when they’re confronted with other challenging situations in the future. It could also be a lesson in the importance of following through on your commitments. For example, if they agreed they were going to play soccer for the season, they should honour that (unless they’re dealing with a physical or emotional injury).  “Perseverance often makes the critical distinction between whether kids succeed or fail. Will they have the inner strength to keep on or be plagued by self-defeat, unwilling to give it their best shot?” said educational psychologist Michele Borba, author of the upcoming book, “Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine.” “Children who learn to bounce back and not let setbacks get them down have gained a valuable skill for life.” Children who learn to bounce back and not let setbacks get them down have gained a valuable skill for life.Michele Borba, author of “Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine"By the same token, there are lessons to be learned by allowing them to quit — things like the value of listening to their gut and honoring their needs, said clinical psychologist Cindy T. Graham, founder of Brighter Hope Wellness Center.“Forcing kids to stay in sports, or any activity for that matter, when the sport is aversive for the child can lead to a child putting the wishes of others ahead of their own well-being, needs, wants or preferences,” Graham said. “In a nutshell, it can teach children to diminish their own intuition, thoughts, and feelings, rather than learning when to listen to these aspects of themselves.”First, talk to your kid about why they want to quitHave a conversation about why they changed their mind. Maybe it’s a conflict with a teammate or coach, frustrations about their skill level, a waning interest in the sport or something else entirely. But you won’t know unless you ask. Broad questions like, “Why do you want to quit?” may yield vague answers like “I don’t know” or “I just don’t like it,” said psychotherapist Amy Morin.“Instead, ask questions that will give you more insight, such as, ‘Are there some parts you do like about it?’ or ‘Is there anything that would make it better?’” she wrote in a piece for Verywell Family.Other good ones to ask: Would you like to play the same sport, but with a different team? (A more or less competitive group or new teammates might make a difference.) Or is there a different activity you’d like to try instead?Then do some self-reflectionAfter talking to your kid, take some time to reflect. When trying to come to a decision, there are a number of factors to consider. 1. Is the sport doing physical or emotional harm to your child?A sports-related injury could be causing pain. Or it could be emotional distress due to a difficult coach or bullying from another player. “All too often this can be the underlying trigger for a child going from loving a sport to wanting to quit,” paediatric psychiatrist Joseph Austerman told the Cleveland Clinic.In some cases, it’s worth trying to help your child problem-solve before throwing in the towel. In others, the issue might be so distressing to them that quitting the team is the healthiest choice. “In general, parents should keep in mind how sensitive their child is,” Graham said. “Highly sensitive children will perseverate about [negative] encounters or may feel particularly bad about themselves afterward. Parents should keep in mind the extent to which the child is able to shake such incidents.” 2. Is your child exhibiting other signs of depression or anxiety? Know that loss of interest in once-pleasurable activities — such as sports — can be a symptom of an underlying mental health issue. However, there would likely be other signs, too: changes in sleep or appetite, withdrawing socially, excessive worry, increased irritability or declining academic performance. “It is best to allow a child to quit an activity when the child is showing signs of distress, anxiety or depression,” Graham said. “A child may become anxious or have difficulty sleeping leading up to the sport activity. They could also begin isolating themselves from others or may lose interest in more than just the sport.”One sign of depression in kids: Loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy.“If the child shows signs of negative self-esteem, parents should strongly consider whether remaining in the sport is in the child’s best interest,” she added. And if you suspect an underlying mental health issue may be at play, reach out to a mental health professional for further guidance. 3. Is your kid playing the sport for them or for you?Are you reallyacting in your child’s best interest? Or are you, perhaps unconsciously, pushing your child to keep playing for more self-serving reasons?“Parents should consider whether the sport is in some way tied into their own self-concept or view of themselves as a parent,” Graham said. “Perhaps the sport is something the parent took part in or always wished they had taken part in. Keeping in mind whether staying in the sport is actually for the child or because the parent is living vicariously through the child is critically important.”4. Is there a pattern of perfectionism that’s making them want to quit?  Perhaps your child has decided to quit because they’re not able to meet their own impossibly high standards for performance. If they’re not the star of the team, they’d rather stop playing altogether than work toward improving their skills. This could be a sign of perfectionism. Another sign to look out for, Graham said, is getting caught up in “should” thought patterns. Kids with perfectionist tendencies believe they “should” succeed no matter what — without taking into account situational factors that could have affected their performance. “For example, ‘I should have made the goal no matter how much time was left’ or ‘It was a difficult block but I should have stopped the other kid,’” Graham said. “Children who have these thoughts tend to hold themselves to a very high standard of achievement that they expect themselves to reach at almost every opportunity.”Parents can help their kids work on this by praising their efforts, rather than the outcomes. So instead of celebrating how many points they scored, you would commend them for the hard work they put in during practice. “Teaching kids to focus on the process, learning new skills and forgiving oneself for mistakes are skills for navigating life while wins and perfection serve the purpose mainly for momentary accolades,” Graham said.5. Would a different sport or other activity be a better fit?Be open to letting your kid pursue other hobbies: art, theatre, music, running, cooking or volunteering, just to name a few.“Children can learn valuable lessons in resiliency in many extracurricular endeavours,” Graham said. Resilient children recognize that losing is part of life and sometimes you have to quit.BorbaEncourage them to explore different things until they find something that lights them up. “Some [kids] don’t find joy in team sports or clubs, and there’s something to be said for that,” writer and mom Katie Bingham Smith wrote in an essay for Grown and Flown. “If they decide it’s not for them and focus their attention on finding something that sets their soul on fire, it gives them room to consider other options and hobbies.”If your child gives it their best shot and things don’t improve, let them know it’s OK to move onThis can be a crucial lesson too: Some things just aren’t the right match. Help your child view the experience as a learning opportunity, rather than something to beat themself up over. “We want our kids to never give up but sometimes the task is mismatched to the child, beyond their abilities, and despite their best efforts it’s just not enough,” Borba said. “Resilient children recognize that losing is part of life and sometimes you have to quit.”Parents can offer reassuring statements like, “I know you tried your hardest” or “I love how you gave it your best effort” to show that their love is unconditional, Borba added. Take time to reflect back on the experience with your child. Ask them what they learned from it and what they might do differently next time. “Resilient kids are less likely to be derailed from a failed experience because they figure out a way to learn from the experience,” Borba said. “Brainstorm those ‘next time’ options: ‘Next time, I’ll find something that is more in my ability range,’ or ‘Next time, I’ll find more time to practice.’” Related...I Quit My Job To Stay Home With The Kids — And It’s Not What You’d ExpectThis 1 Counter-Intuitive Thing Can Help With Empty Nest SyndromeThe Gross Reason Some Children Poop Out 'Whole Grapes' – Without Actually Eating Them

In the moments after I gave birth to my second child — a healthy, 9-pound chunk of a baby — I felt the most physically exhausted I’ve ever been in my life.My labour was fast and chaotic, punctuated by me chasing my toddler around while I tried to time contractions on my iPhone. I threw up a lot and delivered within minutes of arriving at the hospital. After holding my newborn for a few minutes, I asked someone — maybe the nurse, maybe the midwife, it’s all a blur — if they wanted to take my son and weigh him. I was still shaking.I remember feeling certain that I did not want to be responsible for him in that moment. I wanted to catch my breath. But my doula, whom I’d hired to support me physically and emotionally, was clearly dismayed. “Oh, but it’s the golden hour!” she insisted, before someone else in the room recognised how utterly wiped I was and took the baby to check on him and clean him up, then brought him back to me a few minutes later.The “golden hour” my doula was talking about is not a clinical term, but it’s become a popular one in recent years. For decades, hospital policies have separated mothers from their newborns for standard medical procedures (exams, cleaning, etc.) as a matter of course.Nowadays, as hospitals and health care providers have shifted their focus toward promoting breastfeeding — and women and birth workers have fought for less medicalised births even within clinical settings — those policies have also shifted. To the extent it is possible, the general recommendation is that moms and new babies should be kept together for what’s sometimes called that “golden hour” after birth.Of course, in so many cases that’s not feasible, either because women are tired like me and need a break or because either mothers or their babies need immediate medical attention that gets in the way of them relaxing for an hour together. Either way, when the golden hour is interrupted, it can set new moms up for feelings of disappointment or guilt. After all, who wants to miss out on that first “magical” hour of motherhood?But the truth is, it’s a lot more nuanced than that.The scientific case for immediate skin-to-skin contactThe power of that first hour after birth is rooted largely in the practice of making sure moms and babies get skin-to-skin contact, in which the newborn is placed directly on the mom’s body (usually the chest) with no clothing or bedding in the way. It’s one of the practices the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends for creating a breastfeeding-friendly environment, and has been endorsed by major medical groups from the American Academy of Pediatrics to the World Health Organization.There’s plenty of evidence for it. Skin-to-skin can help regulate blood glucose levels, decrease crying and reduce pain for moms and babies, according to the American Academy of Paediatrics. It may also help reduce a woman’s risk of postpartum haemorrhage, which continues to be a leading cause of birth complications and deaths in the United States. Skin-to-skin can be particularly powerful for the most vulnerable babies. While the aforementioned benefits extend to all infants, much of the initial research into skin-to-skin contact came out of neonatal intensive care units, where experts learned that “kangaroo care” (in which preterm babies are held against their parents’ chests) can help with babies’ heart rates, their breathing and their ability to gain weight, among other benefits.So for those reasons and more, many hospitals around the country — including those that seek the Baby-Friendly designation, signifying that the institutions do just about everything they can to promote breastfeeding — have changed their policies to prioritise keeping moms and babies together immediately after birth.But there’s also evidence that there is not as much “magic” to that first hour as some birthing world circles would have parents-to-be believe.A 2016 Cochrane review found no evidence that skin-to-skin contact immediately after birth was any different from skin-to-skin contact after the baby had been washed and examined. Nor did that review of the existing scientific literature find that holding the baby skin to skin for under 60 minutes affected outcomes.Unrealistic expectations can set parents up for failureThe problem with the popularisation of the “golden hour” is that while it’s rooted in evidence, it has also been overblown and oversold to expectant parents. The golden hour is “your reward,” moms have been told. It’s not just magical; it “lays the foundation” for caregiving.That narrative can be difficult for moms to grapple with if they’re not able to have the golden hour after birth for medical reasons. (Or if, like me, they’re tired and just want a break.) One in 3 women who give birth in the United States do so via cesarean section, and once the baby is delivered, they often need immediate medical care. There has been a move toward “family centered” C-sections that allow for immediate skin-to-skin contact and other changes such as delayed umbilical cord clamping, but that still tends to be the exception, not the norm.The idea of the golden hour becomes an issue when mothers who miss out on that “magical time” — and who go on to struggle with breastfeeding, or who don’t feel immediately bonded with their newborns, or who have any number of other very real postpartum concerns — wonder whether those missed moments are the root cause.“I didn’t hold him until the next day. We definitely did not (first) breastfeed for more than 24 hours,” one mom told Today in a 2019 article about the golden hour. She told the publication that she worried her subsequent breastfeeding challenges (she nursed her child for four weeks) were related to missing that hour.Not so ‘golden’ after allWhile changing hospital policies that take into account birthing patients’ needs and wants are a good thing, mental health experts say it is critical for everyone — from doctors to birth workers such as doulas — to keep in mind that best practices such as immediate skin-to-skin are fluid.The postpartum period is also an emotionally turbulent time, when seemingly small issues — like whether or not a mother and her baby get to spend their first hour cuddled up together — can take on an outsize role.“We tend to portray these parts of parenting as necessary in a way that sets us up for a lot of despair if those things don’t happen,” Kate Kripke, founder of Colorado’s Postpartum Wellness Center of Boulder, told HuffPost.“What is undebatable is that those first moments, hours, what have you, with a newborn are really useful for things. The skin-to-skin contact is super useful for early bonding and attachment, certainly useful for starting breastfeeding. Oxytocin is released ... there’s all of these physiological things that can happen,” said Kripke, who emphasised that she is in favour of hospital policies aimed at giving parents the birth experiences they hope for. “But the moment we say they have to happen in order for these other things to occur is when we get off track.”In her work as a perinatal mental health expert, Kripke often urges her patients to think about the distinctions between a fear, a hope and an expectation. If a hope is not met, that can lead to disappointment, but women can work through disappointment, Kripke said. On the other hand, when an expectation isn’t met, it can lead to deeper feelings of shame or resentment, exacerbating mental health concerns that are already prevalent during the postpartum period. Up to 20% of women grapple with postpartum anxiety according to some estimates, while the CDC says 12% experience postpartum depression (and that estimate might even be low).All of this offers a note of caution for anyone getting ready to have a baby or working in the birth world: embrace nuance, and be careful of how concepts like the golden hour can set birthing parents up for unnecessary pain. Yes, it’s wonderful when it happens. But moms and babies have plenty more time to bond. I wasn’t particularly concerned when my doula doubted my decision to hand my baby off, but I wonder if it would’ve stung more had I been a first-time parent — and if, as I fumbled through my first clueless months of motherhood, I would have questioned whether I was struggling because of it.“Anytime we have this binary thinking of ‘good, bad, right, wrong,’ it can set moms up for a lot of psychological despair in new motherhood,” Kripke said. “Yeah, sure, there are benefits to having that time. But no, it’s not necessary.”Related...I Quit My Job To Stay Home With The Kids — And It’s Not What You’d ExpectYes, Friendships Change After Parenthood – But Maybe Not For The Reason You ThinkNeed Baby Name Inspiration? These Were Most Popular In 1948

The author with Mathilda on the night they met.On Christmas Eve three years ago, I sat on my front lawn with my dog Mathilda and watched a Southwestern sunset paint the sky pink and gold. It was the last sunset Mathilda and I would share, the last time we’d sit, pressed together, with her fur warming the skin of my bare leg as the day’s light faded.A veterinarian from Lap of Love, an in-home euthanasia service for sick animals, would arrive at our door later that evening. I would say goodbye to my friend and companion of the past 10 years in a home barren of seasonal trappings. At the time, I didn’t know if I would survive her passing, or if the deep impulse for self-destruction that her companionship had staved off would again rear its unwelcome head.As a veterinarian myself, I’ve guided many people through the painful process of losing a pet by letting them know that granting our beloved companions a pain-free death is a valuable act of love and care. I’ve peacefully ended animals’ lives, spending countless hours in exam rooms, on the floors of treatment rooms, or kneeling on blankets next to ailing dogs as I offered comfort to grieving family members. I’ve passed tissues and searched for just the right words that fit the pet and situation.Often, the words that came to mind were things like: “You gave Cooper a good life.” Or, “I can see you loved her very much.” Or, “This was the right decision.” And most of the time, it was. One of the things I do as a veterinarian is help people to understand when it’s time to let go — before the bad days outnumber the good ones and suffering sets in. I consider it one of my most important duties, both to the animals and to the family members who love them. But when it came to Mathilda, I couldn’t make the compassionate decision to let her go when she was ready, despite my years of training and experience.I’d said goodbye to my own companion animals in the past, and I’d loved them all, but Mathilda was special. She was a 100-pound Bernese Mountain Dog with a gregarious personality and a love of counter-surfing, and she had been my companion and support through the most difficult time of my life.I adopted her from a rescue in the Midwest when she was 10 months old. I’d intended to drive out and pick her up, but the rescue sent her to me c.o.d. in the cargo of a plane. When the plane was rerouted and delayed, and no one at the airline could tell me where she was, it was the closest I’d ever come in my life to being forcibly ejected from an airport lobby. To say I was upset and worried would be an understatement.When she finally arrived, eight hours later than planned, I paid the $250 required to release her from cargo. She was traumatised and covered in excrement, and had been given no food or water for at least 18 hours. Something broke inside me when I first saw her, and I knew I would do anything for this dog. As it turns out, the feeling was mutual.Mathilda, the author's Bernese mountain dog.Several years before our last evening together, Mathilda barrelled through a locked bedroom door and prevented me from killing myself. I was suffering from the uncontrolled symptoms of a mental illness that had not yet been diagnosed, and a string of psychiatrists had switched me on and off various medications that failed to work or in any way relieve my depression. Yet there was nothing on that particular occasion that made me think, Today is the day. No inciting incident, no moment that I can identify as the proverbial last straw. In fact, though I’d thought a lot about ending my life, planned it even, the decision to follow through on that day surprised me. It was made in a moment of epiphany when I realised that not only did I have nothing to strive for, but that there was a complete loss of hope that anything good would ever return to my life. I saw the days ahead as a long, blank corridor, with no exit or end in sight.I gave Mathilda a big bowl of food, loaded it with her favourite treats, went to the bedroom and locked the door behind me. In that moment, I believed the pain would finally subside.Just when I was about to end my life, the bedroom door flew open with a crash. I froze. I heard the tap-tap of Mathilda’s toenails on the tile and suddenly she was in front of me, her face nearly level with mine from where I sat on the bed. Normally a very vocal dog, this time she was silent. She just looked at me with so much love and trust. For a second, I nearly continued anyway, even with the dog I’d sworn to protect and care for all her life sitting right in front of me. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t leave her.Mathilda saved my life that day, and she continued to save my life during the difficult months and years that followed after I was eventually diagnosed with major depressive disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder. Mathilda went everywhere with me. During the week, she came with me to the clinic and hung out in my office while I saw appointments. Admittedly, she was not loved by all — once, a veterinary technician left half a pizza in the office, intending to eat it later, only to come back to find the box on the floor in front of a very satisfied Mathilda.That wasn’t the only incident. Mathilda’s weakness was food, and anything was fair game. While visiting my neighbour, during an unsupervised moment, she stole some eggs off the kitchen counter and managed to carefully break them and eat the yolks while leaving the shells in a neat pile on the carpet. Fortunately, the neighbour was amused and somewhat in awe of her skills. On the weekends, Mathilda and I took long hikes where I’d let her run off leash, confident she’d always return to me. Even though I knew she was getting older, I never thought about what would happen when she inevitably reached the end of her life. When Mathilda became ill with an aggressive bone cancer that spread rapidly to her lungs, her quality of life quickly declined. I refused to see it. I begged her to keep going for me. I cooked her favourite meals, increased her pain medications and took her to chemotherapy sessions that she hated. I had visions of her impending death where I imagined that I would become catatonic and drop into a state of neither life nor death. I longed for oblivion, and images of self-harm crept into my thoughts. While my neighbours were putting up Christmas trees and decorating their homes with cheerful lights, I lay on the floor with Mathilda, trying not to notice the effort it took her to breathe.The author hiking with Mathilda.Finally, my husband, Danny, asked me to let him schedule a euthanasia appointment for Mathilda. “Look at her,” he said. “She’s suffering.” Mathilda had moved to lie at his feet, and she gazed up at him with a look of desperation. “She’s ready,” Danny said. “Please let her go.” As if blinders were lifted, I finally saw how little vitality Mathilda had left, after giving so much to me her entire life. She was exhausted, and if I truly loved her, I would say goodbye to her.Danny called Lap of Love, and Mathilda peacefully took her last breath in our home as I held her. Afterward, I felt as if my chest had been hollowed out, leaving an emptiness that would never be filled. I swallowed a sleeping pill that night, afraid of the ever-present temptation to take more than I needed. We spent Christmas Day in silence, somberly opening presents shipped to us from family members. There is tremendous pressure to express joy and gratitude during the holidays, but for many like me, this is a season darkened by grief and loss. Losing a pet at this time of year is particularly hard, as the pressures of creating a perfect celebration, and dealing with family interactions, trips and other events, don’t leave much time for grief. As a veterinarian, I’m used to dealing with death and loss around the holiday season. I routinely dreaded the holidays when I worked at an emergency hospital, knowing that I’d be putting more pets to sleep the closer it got to Christmas. In fact, veterinarians have observed this trend for years. In 2018, a co-founder of Lap of Love told The Boston Globe that euthanasia of companion animals increases by as much as 50% around the Christmas holidays. There are several reasons for this apparent uptick in pet loss. People may be traveling over the holidays and don’t want to leave behind a sick animal who may pass away while they’re gone. Others may be waiting for kids to come home from college to say goodbye to their pets. Animals who are ill or exhibiting behaviour changes, such as urinating in the house, may be difficult to deal with while navigating family visits and holiday responsibilities. Elderly animals may exhibit more pain and symptoms of arthritis as the weather gets colder, leading family members to make quality-of-life decisions. Financial constraints over the holidays may also factor into the decision to let go of an animal companion. Veterinarians are often there for families during these times and become witness to the cracks and stresses created by making these difficult decisions. It is not easy to decide to end a life, nor is it easy to take one, even in compassion. Dealing with the deaths of pets on a daily basis is one reason for the high suicide rates among veterinarians — twice that of people in the dental and medical professions and four times the rates of the general population. I’m among the 9% of veterinarians who, according to one survey, have attempted suicide. Over the years, I’ve lost several colleagues and friends to suicide — including my friend Christine, who graduated from veterinary school a year ahead of me and with whom I’d shared shifts at a local animal hospital. Each one of these tragic losses reminds me of the tenuousness of life, and how I had nearly lost my own. In the months after Mathilda’s death, I worried I would join these numbers.Danny, the author's husband, with Mathilda.Eventually my grief receded to a dull ache rather than a raw, seeping wound, and I realised that letting Mathilda go was an essential step in my own survival. Though I will always regret that I didn’t make the decision to say goodbye sooner, Mathilda gifted me with a will to live that transcended her passing. She helped me understand just how fragile life is — a lesson I needed after coming so close to throwing my own life away. We hold on to love while we can, but sometimes letting someone go is the greatest expression of that love. Mathilda taught me to survive loss with greater resilience, and her passing gave me a new appreciation for the winter season — not for the holiday celebrations and the shiny lights, but for an older, deeper meaning that harks back to the vegetative death and quietude that winter brings. Twice, Mathilda and I reached the threshold of mortality: once for me when it was not yet my time, and once for her when her passing was natural and right. Now, my winters are spent in stillness and commemoration, for the seasonal darkness that must precede the renewal and regrowth of spring.Ingrid L. Taylor is a freelance writer, poet and veterinarian whose work has appeared most recently in the Southwest Review, The Ocotillo Review, Sentient Media and elsewhere. You can catch up with her on Instagram at @tildybear and find out more about her work at ingridltaylor.com.Help and support:Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.ukRethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.Related...These Dogs Live In Prison With Us ― And It's Created Something BeautifulHow Pet Owners Helped Their Dying Pets Have Good 'Last Days'I Adopted An Internet-Famous Cat. It Changed My Life In Ways I Never Imagined.

"I haven’t gotten a Pap smear in years due to a lack of health insurance, time, or the spoons to go through with the process, and I maybe want kids someday. So I’m going to the gynaecologist to know my options."I am 26. Twenty-six years past the doctors saying, “It’s a girl!” when I came into this world. Five years past the recommended age of first receiving a Pap smear. One year past starting hormone replacement therapy. Six months into what many believe to be the “peak reproductive years” for someone with a uterus.I am 26, living in the middle of the shit show that is Texas politics, and the number of laws that criminalise me being Black, trans, and able to give birth are mounting up higher than my 5-foot, 9-inch frame. I am making the brave choice to live in a time when many people in power would rather me not. I haven’t gotten a Pap smear in years due to a lack of health insurance, time, or the spoons to go through with the process, and I maybe want kids someday. So I’m going to the gynaecologist to know my options.Before doing the thing that most cisgender women do ― simply calling a clinic or practice ― I sprinkle my browser history with searches. On Google: “trans-friendly gynaecology in Austin, Texas.” On Facebook: “Who knows a trans-friendly gynaecologist?” On Instagram to close friends: “Does anyone know any trans-friendly gynaecologists in Austin?” I continue searching for an hour. I don’t have more time than that. Based on my years of experience with doctors, it’s safe to assume that most medical offices don’t know a damn thing about trans people. They don’t know any greeting that’s not “sir” or “ma’am.” They don’t know how to use any non-he-or-she pronoun. They don’t have a field for you to fill out a name that is not your legal name, and they will equate two genders with two body parts every time. I’ve found this to be true of gynaecologists, primary care physicians, sexual health workers ― all of them. Unless it’s a clinic specifically catering to trans people, I don’t expect them to know anything. I expect resistance to me correcting them since I’m not the one with a medical degree in the conversation. Some folks I know expect even more violence. It is 2021 and I am trying to see a gynaecologist. Finally, I come across a couple of comments that mentioned an “LGBT-friendly” practice. I type, “When you say LGBT-friendly, what exactly does that mean?” into Google and Google doesn’t have a good answer. I know then that I have to call the clinic myself. There is this thing that happens sometimes where “LGBT-friendly” means “LGB-compliant” and nothing else. Often, it means the practice has one white gay man on staff, so they think all of their internal inclusion work is done. Like, “‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ quotes are on the walls and rainbow confetti comes out of their mouths when they mis-pronoun me” type of places. I’ll be pointed to the women’s room when I need to pee and then hear, “sorry, it’s a reflex” in these places. Maybe, before I leave, a “yes, girl” will slip, followed by an “I call everybody girl — even my male friends!” or something. Based on my years of experience with doctors, it’s safe to assume that most medicals offices don’t know a damn thing about trans people. I call the clinic that was recommended to me.“Hello?” “Hey, this is KB. I’m calling to see if y’all take BCBS and have available appointments next week.” “Yes to both! Are you calling for somebody else?” the person on the other end of the line asks.Pause. Over the past six months, my voice has dropped something like two octaves, so the “ma’ams” I used to get have become “sirs.” In a way, this person is assuming that I’m somebody’s husband, son, or friend calling in place of the typical womanly voice that needs an appointment. It would be fine if it wasn’t the 10th time this week that a stranger has mistaken me for something I’m not based on my voice, or face, or something else we shouldn’t use to determine people’s gender. So I answer:“No. It is for me.” “OK, what is your name?”If I could choose a phrase to explain how I feel much of the time, it would probably be trans fatigue. “What is your name?” can be a surprisingly complicated question depending on your class, or race (since white supremacists from 1619 to present have made class and race almost the same thing), or age, or if you feel any affinity for a name somebody else chose. For me, “What is your name?” is a question that elicits a quick pushing of my ID across a table, in hopes that they can read it and not ask me again. Since this is over the phone, I have to explain. And explain again in a couple of minutes. And misname myself, then explain again to more people every day until I find the $500 I need to legally change my name to something else. Trans fatigue is the everyday fatigue of being trans in an embarrassingly cisgender world. “My legal name is ___________, but I go by KB.”“Should we put ‘KB’ down as a preferred name?” I’m asked.“It’s not really ‘preferred.’ It is what I want on anything that doesn’t necessitate my legal name. Is that OK?”“I have to ask my manager.”This is a conversation I could have in my sleep. I had it with my friends after debuting my new name. I had it with every job, and new friend, and family member that I think won’t be violent when given new information. And even with myself ― but not with cashiers or baristas; I don’t have the energy to correct strangers during brief interactions, so I am whatever they call me that day. “OK. Will I have to use the restroom at all as part of my visit?” I ask.“We may need a urine sample.”“Do you have gendered bathrooms?” “What do you mean?” In 2016, Texas (along with almost every other state in the South) attempted to pass a law that restricted transgender people from using restrooms that coincide with their gender identity. Because of some science-less, needing-a-distraction-ass lawmakers in North Carolina, every trans person who hadn’t had their legal gender marker changed was about to be subjected to violence and embarrassment if they needed to use a restroom outside of their house. I’ve heard enough passive-aggressive 'they’re letting men use the women’s restroom now' comments while peeing in a stall that has a sign featuring a faceless blob in a skirt to last a lifetime. It is as silly as it sounds, and because I’m nonbinary, restrooms labeled “men” and “women” don’t feel useful or comfortable for me to use. I’ve heard enough passive-aggressive “they’re letting men use the women’s restroom now” comments while peeing in a stall that has a sign featuring a faceless blob in a skirt to last a lifetime. Hearing the f-word from scary-ass strangers while leaving a men’s restroom feels like the norm at this point, so I’d rather take a leak anywhere without a sign on the outside of it altogether.“I mean gendered, unlike the fucking bathrooms in everyone’s house” is what I wanted to say back to the person, but they’re a stranger. Instead I say, “Ones with men and women signs on them.”“I think the restrooms inside our facilities don’t have signs on them.” I let out a sigh of relief. Eventually we finish this predictable conversation and I have an appointment scheduled for a few weeks from now. Are you as exhausted as me?***I get to the clinic 15 minutes early, as requested. I’m greeted by the receptionist — and a bunch of stares. If you ever want to know what people look like when they see someone they think shouldn’t be somewhere, be my guest at the OB-GYN. I’m sure the white ladies clutching their purses (since my transness comes with Blackness) would love it. “Hey! Are you here to pick something up?” the receptionist asks me.“Nah. I’m here for an appointment. KB at 8:20.” “Oh, OK! I’m sorry. Take this with you and bring it back when you’ve filled it out.” When you live your whole life with the world thinking that you’re a Black girl, and you decide to give up trying to fit into Black girlhood, and you become a man that you didn’t ask to be, no one gives you an injection of “male privilege” juice. There is no packet that says “you’re a man!” with balloons and stickers on it. When you’re in the doctor’s office, they treat your ass like a Black girl plus worse. All the things that Black girls deal with in medical settings is doubled when someone is uncomfortable with your presence, your nonconformity to their ideas of gender.If you’re leading the crusade against men, I’m sorry to burst your bubble; I get hell too, and I’m not a man, just forced to be one by a binary world. When I say anything about pain, or pleasure, or fertility, or disagree with anything a provider says, I might as well have cussed them out. Their insistence on being the “expert” gets in the way of care I need. I’ve been made an expert on transgender care due to the gaps in knowledge I’ve encountered from professionals and my desire to learn from medical settings so I can advocate for myself because there is no one else equipped or willing to do so. There is no magic wand or alternate universe that saves me from womanness.A gynaecologist isn’t so different. “Hey ________!”“It’s KB.”“Oh yeah, that’s right. So sorry about that. What are you needing today?”I wish I could say understanding. I wish I could say someone I don’t have to explain my humanity to. Someone with a more-than-101 understanding of what it means to be trans. Or what it means to be trans and Black and filled with fatigue. Someone wanting to be competent and humanlike to both demographics. Someone I trust to hug me. Instead I say, “I want to know if I can have kids.”***It’s 2022 and Texas abortion providers are still fighting an anti-abortion bill that became law. There are still many, many outlets greenlighting unintelligent, reductive, unhelpful, and inaccurate pieces that defend using bioessentialist language when talking about reproductive justice. There is such a lack of research and competence around trans men and masculine people that providers who actually are trans-competent can’t tell me whether taking testosterone impacts my number of eggs. Yet wanting people to use accurate language like “pregnant people” or “birthing people” instead of the limiting and inaccurate term “women” has so many trans-exclusionary (you can’t possibly be radical if you think this way) and ignorant “feminists” rising to the top of a boiling-over pot. It’s not cute, nor is it new, to make the assertion that people like me don’t have a right to be included in conversations that impact their experiences and hopes. No matter if the gender-ignorant gaze makes a split-decision about my reproductive parts based on what I look like, I can still become pregnant. It’s not cute, nor is it new, to make the assertion that people like me don’t have a right to be included in conversations that impact their experiences and hopes. No matter if the gender-ignorant gaze makes a split-decision about my reproductive parts based on what I look like, I can still become pregnant. I still have a vagina, uterus, fallopian tubes, and scar flesh where boobs used to be. All the shit that a cisgender woman gets for needing reproductive services, I get, plus about two more hours of work — not to mention embarrassment and trans fatigue. If abortion rights are built on “pussy power” and some kind of sameness attributed to everyone that is identified as a woman, then we will continue to fail. If abortion rights are excluded from some — as they have been from Black women and trans people since their inception — then the movement will continue to fail. Reproductive justice means the right to bodily autonomy for all who are directly impacted by sexist, ignorant policies that attempt to tell people who can get pregnant that they can or should be forced to have babies. If being asked to change “women” to “pregnant people” — or asking you to consider taking a fucking workshop on gender and sex to start unlearning all the toxic shit you learned in K-12 — makes you foam at the mouth, we will never have justice. Instead we will only get small, incremental bullshit “progress” fuelled by outrage and money that ultimately only helps a few. We saw that with the “women’s right to vote” movement and how it conveniently excluded Black women. Why are we cool with leaving out people again and again?I’m not being doom and gloom; I’m being realistic. Anti-Blackness and transphobia is cooked into almost every mainstream conversation of reproductive justice, and that’s a problem. The sooner we name our missteps out loud, stop patting ourselves on the back for caring about cisgender women only, and cease the creation of “woman and nonbinary” spaces based on ignorance guised as inclusion, the sooner we get to anything that is closer to justice. Before I even enter a reproductive space, I am invisibilised. I want you to know men aren’t the only demographic to blame, just like not all women menstruate. At the end of the day, bodies are just bodies. That’s true in Texas, across all these other divided states, and anywhere that has silly little markers for gender and sex. M and F is bullshit, just like any conversation that refuses trans and Black inclusivity. Reproductive justice means every person that can have kids can have them when and if they want to. It also means I can make a call, set an appointment, and leave with all the answers I need. Black and trans people deserve better. If you want me to say more, you’ll have to pay me.KB Brookins is a poet, essayist, cultural worker, and Artivism Fellow with Broadway Advocacy Coalition. They are the author of “How to Identify Yourself With a Wound” (Kallisto Gaia Press, 2022) and “Freedom House” (Deep Vellum Publishing, 2023). Follow them online on Twitter and Instagram at @earthtokb.Related...Miriam Margolyes Makes Plea For Solidarity With Trans And Gender Non-Conforming CommunitiesSomeone Asked If My 8-Year-Old Was Using The Wrong Bathroom. 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When you have a baby, you quickly realise that their skin is really having to make some big adjustments to life outside the womb. It makes sense – they’ve spent a good nine months floating around in amniotic fluid, covered in vernix (the white, sticky substance you might’ve noticed on their skin when they were born) – their body’s very own way of keeping them moisturised.And now, all of a sudden, they’re spending every waking breath in a completely different – not to mention, dry – environment. They’ll have random rashes pop up, bouts of dry skin, weird spots that look like they’ve hit their teen years a decade too early (yes, baby acne is a thing). Oilatum’s expert dermatologist Dr Jean Ayer says there are three skin complaints in particular she sees a lot of in babies. Here’s what they are and how parents can help treat them at home.1. Atopic eczemaIf there’s one thing most parents are familiar with – whether through their own personal battles with it, their child’s or another family member’s – it’s eczema. In fact, up to 30% of children will end up with the skin disorder. In babies, eczema usually starts on the scalp and face, “and they often have red, dry, scaly rashes on the cheeks, forehead, and around the mouth which can be wet and weepy as it gets more severe,” says Dr Ayer.“The general texture of a baby’s skin should be smooth and soft, but in babies with eczema, one of the first signs a parent may notice is that the skin feels rough and dry to touch.”The eczema often becomes more generalised and affects most other parts of the body in children with more severe skin disease, but in very young infants, it often spares the nappy area where moisture gets trapped by the nappy, and in turn protects the skin. “Very young babies can’t itch their skin so instead pinch or grab it,” she adds.In terms of treating it, parents should apply an emollient which repairs and restores the barrier function of skin. In some cases, you might be prescribed a topical steroid for particularly inflamed areas – if this is the case, Dr Ayer reminds to apply it daily. “It’s key to avoid products with preservatives which can irritate already inflamed skin,” she adds.“To help manage eczema symptoms, particularly in the evening, I would always recommend a nighttime tepid bath no warmer than 37 degrees with a good bath emollient. I suggest that they are allowed to splash and play in the bath for at least 15 minutes as this allows maximum absorption of the bath emollient.”2. Cradle capThis is another issue that’ll affect most children – according to Lancaster General Health it occurs in about 70% of babies. “Cradle cap, otherwise known as infantile seborrheic dermatitis, is a very common, and is usually a self-remitting, non-inflammatory skin complaint that usually presents between the first 3 weeks to three months of life,” says Dr Ayer.Typically, a baby will have a build-up of greasy, yellow scale on the top of their scalp – but cradle cap can also affect the face. In this instance, it will look like red, scaly plaques on the forehead, eyebrows/eyelids, nasolabial folds, cheeks, and behind the ears, says the dermatologist. “Occasionally other areas can be involved such as around the belly button and the nappy area,” she adds. If your baby has cradle cap, it’s nothing to worry about. Dr Ayer recommends washing the baby daily with a gentle baby shampoo along with an emollient containing light liquid paraffin. “Afterwards, gentle removal of scale with a soft toothbrush or cradle cap comb can be performed as the emollient will help soften the scale making the scales easier to remove,” she adds.Once you’ve removed the scale, she recommends daily shampooing to prevent it from coming back. 3. ScabiesScabies is another common issue – and anyone can get it. It’s caused by tiny mites that burrow into the skin. The key thing to remember here is that it should be treated quickly to stop it spreading, so you’ll need to speak to a pharmacist or GP about it. “In babies the rash tends to be on the head, neck, palms, and soles and is intensely itchy. Overnight, the itching from scabies can often become much worse,” Dr Ayer explains.“Appearance wise, the rash can look like little blisters or pimples but it’s important to note it can often take up to a month after infection to appear, as it takes this length of time for the scabies eggs to mature.”In terms of treatment, babies will need a medicated cream – such as 5% permethrin cream – applied to their scalp, neck and over their whole body down to their toes, the dermatologist suggests. “Usually treatment is required twice, with a week between each treatment. The itch can take up to six weeks to go away. This is usually because of an allergic response, not ongoing scabies, and can be treated with calamine lotion or an emollient,” she adds. Your baby’s clothing, sheets, towels and soft toys should be washed on the hottest setting possible. Clothes and bedding should also be dried on the hottest setting (if you have a tumble dryer) to destroy the mites and their eggs.“Around the house, vacuum all carpets and mattresses and also treat all family members at the same time, even if only one child is affected,” she adds. And if you’re ever concerned about a rash or skin issue that’s impacting your baby, or you notice their skin problem is getting worse, always seek medical advice from your doctor, health visitor or dermatologist. Related...This Is When Parents Should Be Worried About A Child's FeverTeens Are Facing A Lot Of Anxiety Right Now6 Common Winter Illnesses In Kids – And How To Keep Them At BayYes, Friendships Change After Parenthood – But Maybe Not For The Reason You Think

Look out for this toxic language from your partner. There’s a subtlety to emotional abuse that makes it difficult to spot — not only for those looking in on the relationship from the outside, but also potentially for the victims themselves.“Emotional abuse is insidious,” therapist Sharie Stines, who specialises in recovery from abuse, told HuffPost. “It’s often invisible. It’s frequently designed so that only the target knows she’s being abused, and on the surface, the abuser looks ‘normal.’”Behaviours like gaslighting, criticising, insulting, belittling, blaming, threatening, isolating and withholding affection or money can all be forms of emotional abuse. Abusers use these tactics and others to wear down their partner’s self-confidence and independence, allowing the perpetrator to gain and sustain power and control in the relationship.  Victims of emotional abuse are never validated, reassured, listened to or understood. They are left feeling lonely, confused, hurt, and insecure.Sharie Stines, therapist specializing in recovery from abuseAbusive relationships don’t always begin this way, though. In fact, they may initially seem loving and caring, at least on the surface. During the early days of the relationship, the perpetrator uses grooming techniques, like charm, gifts and affection, to rope in the victim before pulling the rug out from under them. “That ‘kindness’ is designed to win over the trust and confidence of an unsuspecting victim, making them vulnerable to subsequent abuse,” Lisa Ferentz, a licensed clinical social worker and educator specialising in trauma, previously told HuffPost. Emotional abuse can eventually escalate into physical violence. And perpetrators who engage in abuse, be it physical or verbal, tend to utilise the same type of language.Below, experts reveal some of the common phrases abusive partners use. (You can read about some of the behavioural warning signs in this post.)1. “You’re too sensitive.”Emotional abusers will try to dismiss your legitimate feelings about something hurtful they’ve done or said — say, insulting your cooking in front of friends, but claiming it was just a joke — by accusing you of being “too sensitive.”“It takes the focus off the offending behaviour. It is a form of gaslighting,” said psychotherapist Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, author of “Gaslighting: Recognise Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People — and Break Free.”“It leaves someone feeling invalidated and with a sense of shame.” 2. “You’re impossible to please.” Emotional abusers are master manipulators, Stines said. They’ll give you backhanded compliments — “the apartment doesn’t look as dirty as the last time you tried to clean” or “you can’t even tell how heavy you are in that outfit” — which are actually insults. When you call them out on it, they’ll deny that they said anything rude and write you off as impossible to please. “The victim is confused and thinks, ‘I am impossible to please,’” Stines said.  “This is because her abuser is so hurtful that she feels displeased often. It’s not really her fault for feeling so unhappy, it’s really the fault of her abuser who keeps psychologically hurting her.”3. “Your friends don’t have your back like I do.”It’s to the perpetrator’s advantage to isolate the victim from their friends, family and other members of their support system. That way, no one is around to witness the abusive behaviour or help the victim safely exit the relationship. Abusers often do this by discouraging you from hanging out with your friends — who they’ll say don’t have your best interests at heart — while convincing you to spend as much one-on-one time with them as possible. “For example, my partner used to say that my friends were coming between our relationship or that I couldn’t do anything right because I was always on the phone,” said domestic violence educator and survivor Zoë Flowers, author of “From Ashes to Angel’s Dust: A Journey Through Womanhood.” “Luckily, I never believed him and kept seeing my friends, albeit secretly, which ultimately saved my life when I left.” 4. “Why are you making such a big deal out of this?” Emotionally abusive partners will ignore the issue at hand and flip it back on you instead. Let’s say the perpetrator came home hours late from work without calling to let you know. When you try to tell your partner you were worried or frustrated because you had already prepared dinner, they won’t apologise or take responsibility. Instead they’ll chastise you for blowing things out of proportion yet again. “The light is no longer shining on the late and insensitive partner, but on the victim of the emotional abuse,” Stines said. “What are her options? If she shares her feelings, such as, ‘I was feeling ignored, or worried,’ her abuser would respond with something like, ’You’re too sensitive,’ or ‘You always overreact.’  These comments are stated to shut up the victim so that she doesn’t dare question him now or in the future.”5. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”Gaslighters will make you question your own judgment, memories and sense of reality. When you make an accusation based on something you experienced, a gaslighter will tell you it never happened or that your memory is faulty. “This then leads to the person relying on the gaslighter for what has been presented as the ‘correct’ version of reality,” Moulton Sarkis said. “Someone may feel that they are losing their sanity and become dependent on the gaslighter.” 6. “Everyone thinks you’re crazy.”Once a gaslighter has made you doubt your own perceptions, they’ll convince you that other people think you’re mentally unstable, too, which shakes your confidence even further. “It’s dismissive,” Moulton Sarkis said. “It also makes a person feel like they have no outside support, thus isolating them from friends and family. The more isolated a person feels, the less likely they will be to leave an abusive relationship.” 7. “My ex was so much better than you.”Comparing you unfavourably to their former partners is yet another attempt to chip away at your self-esteem. They might make disparaging remarks about how your appearance, intelligence, skills, or personality stack up to their exes or other people in your lives. These types of comments are “used to diminish their partner’s spirit and confidence,” Flowers said. Emotionally abusive partners don't take your concerns or feelings seriously. Instead, they deny, minimise, lie and gaslight you until you start to question your own sense of reality.What should you do if your partner makes these kinds of comments?It depends. There’s no one-size-fits-all response when it comes to dealing with an abusive partner. “I do not want to put anyone in more danger by providing someone with a blanket suggestion about what they should or should not say,” Flowers said. “I believe survivors are the experts in their relationships.”If you’re in an abusive relationship (or suspect you might be), Flowers recommends calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) where advocates can provide guidance tailored to your specific situation.Additionally, these expert-backed tips may help you deal with a toxic, manipulative partner:Trust your gut.Over time, emotional abuse makes it more difficult to tap into what your intuition is trying to tell you. But if you have a gut feeling that something is off, don’t ignore it.“When you feel that tension in the pit of your stomach, or a sense of unease with a situation, don’t immediately dismiss that feeling because someone else thinks you should,” clinical psychologist B. Nilaja Green previously told HuffPost. “Investigate what this sensation could be telling you and get more information before making your next move.”Know your hooks.“These are the weaknesses or soft spots in your own psyche that an emotional abuser will exploit,” Stines said. “For instance, if it’s easy for you to feel guilty, remind yourself not to make decisions out of guilt. If your weakness is ‘giving him the benefit of the doubt,’ remind yourself that this only works with non-emotional abusers. Abusers will exploit your good nature.” Trying to convince your partner to see your side is probably a waste of time.You may try different ways to make your case to them, but it’s no use. Explaining yourself doesn’t work with an emotional abuser. “Victims of emotional abuse are never validated, reassured, listened to, or understood,” Stines said. “They are left feeling lonely, confused, hurt and insecure.”If you feel inclined to respond, Stines suggests saying something non-combative like, “Thank you for sharing your thoughts about me. Perhaps you’re right. But I don’t think so.” “Make a decision to stop arguing with your abuser,” she added. “That is one example of a healthy boundary. Remember, you can’t set boundaries for anyone but yourself.”When you’re feeling defensive, try to disengage from the conversation.“Call a friend. Journal. Do something other than defend yourself,” Stines said. “Remind yourself that you don’t need to defend yourself because you didn’t do anything wrong.” The most effective response, in Moulton Sarkis’ view, is to not respond at all. “Any type of response can and will be used against you, either now or in the future,” she said. “The purpose of using this emotionally abusive language is not just to hurt you — it is also to make you look unstable and then blame you for supposedly being ‘irrational.’” Remember to lean on your support system. Need a safe place to stay, a listening ear or help finding a professional who specialises in abusive relationships? Turn to a trusted person in your life who can help you access the support you need. Help and support:If you, or someone you know, is in immediate danger, call 999 and ask for the police. If you are not in immediate danger, you can contact:The Freephone 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline, run by Refuge: 0808 2000 247In Scotland, contact Scotland’s 24 hour Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline: 0800 027 1234In Northern Ireland, contact the 24 hour Domestic & Sexual Violence Helpline: 0808 802 1414In Wales, contact the 24 hour Life Fear Free Helpline on 0808 80 10 800.National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0800 999 5428Men’s Advice Line: 0808 801 0327Respect helpline (for anyone worried about their own behaviour): 0808 802 0321Related...The Subtle Signs That You’re Dating A Narcissist6 Phrases Gaslighters Use To Manipulate YouYup, Dark Skin Black Women Still Need To Prove Themselves On Love Island

Considering they are supposed to be the crème de la crème (sorry) of the amateur baking world, the bakers on The Great British Bake Off still manage to have some have absolute nightmares on the show.Most of these disasters stem from when things aren’t going exactly to plan as the contestants navigate the challenges set by Paul Hollywood, Prue Leith and previously Mary Berry. Over the course of the last 13 series, there have been many memorable-for-all-the-wrong-reasons moments. Here are the biggest disasters to strike inside that famous tent... #BinGate Let’s start with the obvious one, shall we?In one of the most memorable Bake Off moments ever, Iain Watters binned his Baked Alaska back in 2014 after it fell apart when he removed it from the tray, having failed to freeze. To add to matters, fellow competitor Diana Beard had momentarily removed it from the fridge, with some viewers wrongly accusing her of ruining his bake. Toppling tiersBake Off’s first-ever Vegan Week didn’t go exactly as planned for contestant Ruby Bhogal back in 2018, when she had trouble getting her two-tier cake to stay in place. After a team effort to get it to stay, the bakers headed out of the tent as they awaited the judges’ verdict, only for the top tier of Ruby’s cake to make a break for it…Pudding puddles2020 is served. Bon appétit. #GBBOpic.twitter.com/xNangXHEJX— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) November 10, 2020Bake Off has long been hailed as the pinnacle of food porn, with the contestants serving up eye-watering cakes, biscuits and desserts every week.However, when Prue Leith tasked the 2020 series bakers with making a Pond Pudding, literally zero people said “oooh, I can’t WAIT to make that”.It had a suet crust. It had a leaky centre. And yes, it had a whole, unpeeled lemon in side. NO THANK YOU.Things, unsurprisingly, did not go well for the bakers.Ice cream (bad) dreamSifting through your news feed to find the good bits like… pic.twitter.com/CiufCfSGu6— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) November 5, 2020Not only do the amateur bakers have to contend with the pressure of the competition, but also the high temperatures in the tent.So making ice cream cakes in the middle of summer 2020 was never going to end well, was it?Heatwave horrorThe heatwave of 2018 also played havoc with one of Terry Hartill’s bakes during Cake Week, when the heat caused his Eiffel Tower cake to start looking more like the Leaning Tower Of Pisa.After his attempts to save it, the chocolate decorations crumbled and he binned the top layer, presenting the judges with only two thirds of the French landmark. An act of godPaul Jagger earned a place in the hearts of Bake Off fans with his incredible lion bread, but he had much less luck during Patisserie Week in 2015.  His religieuse a l’ancienne showstopper collapsed under the weight of construction ahead of the final judging, with Paul subsequently exiting the competition. Baking bloodbathThere was a bloodbath in the tent back in series three, when eventual winner John Whaite had a kitchen mishap involving a blender. John nearly lost a finger after dipping his hand in the Magimix, and he came close to passing out as blood filled his glove. He was later taken out of the tent to receive medical attention. Cakes a-flyingAccidents happen - poor Dave and poor Sura. And spare a thought for the tent carpet too! #GBBOpic.twitter.com/S4s4oqCyMt— British Bake Off (@BritishBakeOff) September 22, 2020Fans’ hearts were in their mouths after an incident involving contestants Sura and Dave and a tray of pineapple upside-down cakes during the first episode of the 2020 series. As they delivered their half dozen pineapple upside-down cakes to the gingham alter, Sura swung her arm to hit a fly and but knocked Dave and his tray, causing four of his six cakes to fly across the room.Dave was then seen walking away in frustration as the cakes lay smashed on the floor, while a devastated Sura tried to apologise. Devastating demolition Funnily enough, Louise Williams was eliminated from the competition after presenting this to Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood back in 2016, after disaster struck her gingerbread house in the final moments. Speaking afterwards, she said: “I laugh at it now but it was devastating at the time. I think I could have got top marks for a cake disaster award.”Flattened muffinsWe miss Mel and Sue a lot on Bake Off, but one person who might have wished they weren’t in the tent during his series was Howard Middleton. Back in 2013, Sue was responsible for flattening his muffins (!) during Bread Week when she leant down on the counter to have a chat with him, not realising her arm was resting on his bakes. However, Howard’s mauled muffins were just the start of his problems...Custard crimesJust a week later, Howard suffered another setback when Deborah Manger mistakenly stole his custard during Dessert Week. Deborah soon realised her error and confessed to Sue, in what became known as #CustardGate on social media. “It’s either a terrible error or the most incredible case of baking espionage I’ve ever seen,” Sue joked, before Debroah offered Howard her custard to use instead. Gloopy gateau Series six contestant Dorret Conway was left in tears in the very first week of the competition when her showstopper challenge went off course. She’d had trouble getting her black forest gateau to firm up, putting it in the fridge to help it set. But – as you can see from above – her hopes were dashed when it came to taking it out of its plastic.  It wasn’t all bad though, as a strong enough performance in the signature and technical challenge helped see her through to the next week. Fit for the floorBack in series three, competition favourite James Morton experienced every baker’s worst nightmare when he dropped an entire cake on the floor. While he still had time to whip up another to replace it, his final efforts still didn’t hit the right spot with the judges. A sorry soufflé Steph Blackwell had been the favourite to win the 10th series in 2019, but was left in tears when her stilton soufflés collapsed into liquid during the final technical challenge. After her later showstopper was badly received, she was given a hug by Paul, before David Atherton was crowned the winner of the series. Early errorsThe bakers had only been set their first challenge when disaster struck Henry Bird in 2019. An intricate topper for his signature bake – a house made out of piped royal icing – smashed into tiny little pieces as he tried to place it on the top of his fruit cake. Still, it didn’t set Henry back in the long run, as he went on to last eight weeks in the competition.READ MORE:Paul Hollywood Admits He Was 'Hurt' By Mel And Sue 'Dig' After Bake Off MoveThe Great British Bake Off Just Announced This Year's Line-Up – Meet The 12 New BakersPrue Leith Names The One Reason She 'Never' Watches Great British Bake Off, Despite Being On It

Whoever wins this year’s Great British Bake Off, they can (usually) look forward to raking in the cash, thanks to their new-found fame.From TV shows and newspaper columns to books and reality shows, past winners like Nadiya Hussain and John Whaite have gone on to find huge fame and fortune after being crowned Bake Off champ.But what ever happened to all of the other winners of Bake Off past?Edd Kimber (Winner, 2010)Edd KimberStraight after being crowned the winner of the first ever Bake Off, Edd quit his day job as a debt collector for Yorkshire Bank (which he hated) to follow his baking dream with a job in Raymond Blanc’s restaurant Le Manoir as a pastry chef (what else?).He’s gone on to carve himself a career as a food writer with articles appearing in BBC Good Food magazine and on his blog theboywhobakes.co.uk. In 2011, he published his first cookbook (he’s gone on to write another two), ran a pop-up bakery in Fortnum & Mason and was also the resident baker on The Alan Titchmarsh Show.“Bake Off changed [my life] in the most amazing way. It allowed me to follow my passion and fulfil my dreams in a way I never imagined,” he said.Joanne Wheatley (Winner, 2011)Jo WheatleyAfter winning the second series of Bake Off, Jo started her own cooking school. Based at her home in Essex, Jo teaches classes on home-baking such as bread making and cupcake decorating. She has also published two cookbooks, A Passion For Cooking and Home Baking and was a regular food columnist for The Sun and Sainsbury’s Magazine. In 2019, Jo was said to be planning to open her own café, country pub and restaurant.John Whaite (Winner, 2012)John WhaiteJohn hasn’t stopped working since winning series three. As well as publishing six cookbooks, he earned a patisserie diploma from Le Cordon Bleu, launched his own online chocolate shop The Hungry Dog Artisan Chocolates and his own cookery school, John Whaite’s Kitchen. On top of all that he was also the resident baker on Lorraine Kelly’s morning show and co-hosted ITV’s daytime series Chopping Block, alongside celebrity chef, Rosemary Shrager.John was studying for his law exams when he won Bake Off at the age of 23 and returned to his studies last year to pursue his dream of becoming a family law barrister. He said: “Much as I relish every moment of the food industry, which allows me to express creativity, I have missed the critical thinking required in law.”More recently, he’s been popping up in the kitchen as a regular on Channel 4′s Steph’s Packed Lunch, and in 2021 he made history when he signed up to become part of Strictly Come Dancing’s first all-male partnership with Johannes Radebe. John also released his autobiography, Dancing On Eggshells, in 2023. Frances Quinn (Winner, 2013)Frances QuinnFrances, who won the fourth series in 2013, is best remembered for her highly creative designs and has gone on to share her skills at shows and festivals around the UK. Many of her recipes have appeared in newspapers and magazines and she’s also popped up on TV and radio shows since her win. Her first book Quinntessential Baking hit the shelves in 2016 and she now bakes for big names including Clare Balding and Jools Holland as well as high profile commissions, which included creating a cake to commemorate The Shard’s first anniversary.Nancy Birtwhistle (Winner, 2014)Nancy BirtwhistleFormer GP surgery manager Nancy has gone on to launch her own baking website www.nancybirtwhistle.co.uk where she shares recipes with fans.She is still in demand for everything from cookery demonstrations to after-dinner speaking. She also manages to find time to campaign for charity organisation Love Food Hate Waste.Her own cookery book, Sizzle and Drizzle, was released in late 2019. Nadiya Hussain (Winner, 2015)Nadiya Hussain baked a cake for the Queen's 90th birthday.After winning Bake Off in 2015, Nadiya has certainly stuck to her declaration that ‘I can, I will’ to go on to become the most successful winner ever and become a household name in the process.Nadiya has been a regular fixture on UK television screens, fronting her very own documentary The Chronicles Of Nadiya, as well as hosting Nadiya’s British Food Adventure, The Big Family Cooking Showdown, Nadiya Bakes, Nadiya’s Everyday Baking and Nadiya’s Family Favourites. She also enjoyed a stint on the Loose Women panel in 2016. The mum-of-three has also written eight cookbooks, four children’s story and recipe books, a series of novels and an autobiography.She still manages to find time to bake, including the late Queen’s 90th birthday cake (above).In 2017, Nadiya was named by Debrett’s as one of the 500 most influential people in the UK, made BBC News’ 100 Women list, and in 2019, she was honoured with an MBE for services to broadcasting and to the culinary arts. Phew!Candice Brown (Winner, 2016)Candice Brown appeared on the 2018 reboot of 'Dancing On Ice'Candice left her job as a PE teacher after winning Bake Off to focus on penning her first book, Comfort: Delicious Bakes and Family Treats. She’s also written columns for The Times and regularly appeared on This Morning to cook up a treat or two.In 2018, she swapped icing cakes for the ice rink to appear on ITV’s Dancing On Ice, but wound up being voted off in the first week. She also returned to the tent for The Great New Year’s Bake Off, but lost out to series eight runner-up Steven Carter-Bailey.Candice also worked in the pub kitchen of TV chef Tom Kerridge, before taking up the lease of the Green Man pub in Bedfordshire with her brother.Sophie Faldo (Winner, 2017)Sophie FaldoAfter winning the show, Sophie went on to make baking her full-time career. As well creating wedding cakes for friends, Sophie also secured a big commission for HMS Belfast. In early 2019, plans to release her debut cookbook were scrapped, and it was reported she had applied to go on a military tour, having been in the army prior to appearing on Bake Off. In an exclusive interview with HuffPost UK, Sophie previously told us that life after Bake Off hasn’t always been “bunting and rainbows”. She admitted: “I don’t think you can ever truly be ready. You just have to try and hope it doesn’t eat into you too much.”Rahul Mandal (Winner 2018)Rahul MandalEven though 10 million of us watched Rahul being crowned the winner of the ninth series of Bake Off (the second on Channel 4), he’s lived largely out of the spotlight since. He still works at the Nuclear Advanced Manufacturing Research Centre in Rotherham, South Yorkshire as an engineer, improving the safety of nuclear power plants. Rahul has managed to squeeze in a few baking-related extracurricular activities though, including a cooking spot on This Morning and a baking column in The Times Magazine, but ruled out releasing a cookbook during an interview with the paper in 2019. David Atherton (Winner 2019)David Atherton David was named as the 10th Bake Off champion, and after his win he spent time working on his debut cookbook.Aimed at children, My First Cook Book: Make, Bake & Learn To Cook was released in the summer of 2020, with another aimed at adults following a year later. David also started writing a column for The Guardian newspaper in 2020, sharing healthy eating tips with readers.Peter Sawkins (Winner 2020)Peter SawkinsAfter a delay to the 2020 series starting due to the pandemic, Peter was eventually crowned the winner, becoming the youngest ever champ at 20 years old. Following his win, he release his debut cook book Peter Bakes in 2021. He also continued to study accounting and finance at University of Edinburgh. Giuseppe Dell’Anno (Winner 2021)Giuseppe Dell'Anno Italian-born baker Giuseppe stunned the judges with his inventive creations in season 12, including his showstopping display for the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party. The engineer combined his baking skills with his flair for design and created intricate, flavourful bakes, that honoured his heritage and his chef father. Since he claimed the title, the Star Baker has released his first cookbook, Giuseppe’s Italian Bakes in 2022. His second book, Giuseppe’s Easy Bakes will be released in November 2023.  Syabira Yusoff (Winner 2022) Syabira Yusoff Scientist Syabira is the reigning champion of the Great British Bake Off, after winning season 13 in 2022. Since then, Syabira has been on tour at food festivals, in between working as a cardiovascular research associate at King’s College London. The university even started to stock Syabira’s legendary red velvet sandwich cookies in their cafes in November 2022. She is also working on a Malaysian cookbook. READ MORE:Paul Hollywood Admits He Was 'Hurt' By Mel And Sue 'Dig' After Bake Off MoveThe Great British Bake Off Just Announced This Year's Line-Up – Meet The 12 New BakersAlison Hammond Reveals Why New Bake Off Role Is 'Best Job She's Ever Had'

The Lib Dems will call on the government to triple the tax on social media giants to provide a dedicated mental health professional in every school, HuffPost UK has been told.The proposal will be announced and debated by party members at the party’s conference in Bournemouth later on Sunday.It forms part of an investment package for schools and colleges being voted on by members, including extending free school meals to all children in poverty.Ed Davey’s party will urge the government to fund a dedicated, qualified mental health professional in each of England’s 22,000 state schools.The money would be raised by tripling the Digital Services Tax, paid by social media companies and search engines, from 2% of a company’s revenues to 6%.Munira Wilson, the Lib Dem education spokesperson, said: “Young people are facing a mental health emergency, and we need to act now to tackle it.“Both the pandemic and the rise of social media have done enormous damage to children’s mental health.She added: “Conservative Ministers have completely failed to grasp the scale of this crisis. They have neglected young people and let them down again and again.”It comes in response to the mental health crisis among children and young people that has been exacerbated by the Covid pandemic.According to NHS data, more than one in six children aged 7-16 had a probable mental disorder in 2022, compared to more than one in nine in 2017.Data suggests that most parents are worried about their children’s mental health.Many cite the pressure to constantly engage on social media, cyber-bullying and other harmful content as a reason for deteriorating mental health.The Lib Dem 2019 election manifesto included commitments to treat mental health with the same urgency as physical health and the new pledge goes one step further.Related...Teens Are Facing A Lot Of Anxiety Right NowOne In 10 Mums Have Over £20k In Debt As Childcare Prices Surge And Pay StagnatesThis Is The Difference Between Supporting Someone And Enabling Them

Strictly Come Dancing 2023,23-09-2023,Generics,Giovanni Pernice,BBC,Ray BurmistonStrictly Come Dancing is back to put another 15 celebrities through their paces on the dancefloor, all in the hope of lifting that glitterball trophy. One of the fan-favourite elements of the show is the weekly group dance by the Strictly professionals, though sadly this year features one noticeable absence, Giovanni Pernice.  Why isn’t Giovanni Pernice in the Strictly Come Dancing group dances?The seasoned dancer, who won the competition back in 2021 with Rose Ayling-Ellis, sustained an injury at the time of filming, which left him unable to perform the routines. Back in 2020, Strictly had to change its format to be able to film during the coronavirus pandemic restrictions. Instead of having a live group dance every week, the professionals made a ‘Covid bubble’ and filmed all of the routines in August, before the competition began. As it was so successful, the show decided to keep this approach moving forward.  However, in the summer, Giovanni was recovering from an ankle injury which he sustained during a performance of his show Him & Me with judge Anton Du Beke. He told fans via social media: “As you probably know I’m on tour at the moment with Anton and doing one of the dances I did twist my ankle on stage. I have just been to the doctor, to the physio, and he advised [me] to rest for a few weeks.”He added: “[The injury] also means that I am going to miss a few of the Strictly professional group numbers, but I just need to give some rest to my ankle and come back stronger than ever for the upcoming series of Strictly Come Dancing - which I’m really looking forward to.” Fortunately, Giovanni will still appear on the show, as he takes to the dancefloor with his celebrity partner, Sherlock star Amanda Abbington.Strictly Come Dancing continues on Saturday at 6.15pm on BBC One. READ MORE:Shirley Ballas Names The Member Of This Year's Strictly Cast She's Already 'Fangirling' OverBobby Brazier Makes A Bold Admission About His Own Strictly History Ahead Of Dance Floor DebutLes Dennis Reveals One Unusual Outcome He Hopes To Get Out Of Doing Strictly Come Dancing

!function(n){if(!window.cnx){window.cnx={},window.cnx.cmd=[];var t=n.createElement('iframe');t.display='none',t.onload=function(){var n=t.contentWindow.document,c=n.createElement('script');c.src='//cd.connatix.com/connatix.player.js',c.setAttribute('async','1'),c.setAttribute('type','text/javascript'),n.body.appendChild(c)},n.head.appendChild(t)}}(document);(new Image()).src = 'https://capi.connatix.com/tr/si?token=32e73604-5fe8-4bf0-87a5-d99e2d4cf367';cnx.cmd.push(function(){cnx({"playerId":"32e73604-5fe8-4bf0-87a5-d99e2d4cf367","mediaId":"a523e6af-4080-4a4a-8b54-a003670effb8"}).render("650eba09e4b0fb95353ad33d");});When it comes to birth, we tend to focus on the prize. Having a child emerge from your body is, obviously, the main event. It’s followed by delivering the placenta, sometimes referred to as the “afterbirth.” Luckily, this part is usually pretty quick and painless — you may barely register that it’s even happening.But in the hours and days that follow, your body will experience another minor milestone: the first postpartum poop. If you’re lucky, this will also be fast and forgotten as soon as you flush. However, given what your body has been through, the buildup to this event can be anxiety-inducing.Here’s what you need to know, as well as some tips to ease discomfort.How this poop is differentThere are a number of factors that may make this particular trip to the bathroom feel more significant.First, you may not have had a bowel movement in a while. “If you had a long induction or a long labor, and you haven’t eaten in a long time, you probably don’t have a lot that needs to come out. It may take several days,” Dr. Andrea Braden, an OB-GYN who practices in Georgia, told HuffPost.Constipation may also be a side effect of pain medications, fluctuating hormones, or simply your own hesitation.If you’ve had a cesarean section or an assisted delivery (via vacuum or forceps), or you’ve had a tear or episiotomy repaired with stitches, you may be in pain from that, and understandably reluctant to do anything that might aggravate your discomfort. But holding in your stool can make things worse.“Some people will actually try to hold it in and not have a bowel movement, which causes constipation,” Braden said.Haemorrhoids, which are common during this time, can also cause pain when you go to the bathroom. While this is all uncomfortable, it isn’t unexpected. “In my 26 years of experience, at least 90% of my clients have had trouble using the restroom after birth,” Kali King, a doula in Virginia, told HuffPost. Tips for a smooth moveStool softeners or laxatives can help you get that first bowel movement out without straining, which you’ll want to avoid if you ended up with stitches after your delivery.“The goal would be to not push when you have a bowel movement,” Braden said. “You want it to come out very easily, because the pushing can cause a lot more pain and pressure on the incision sites, no matter where the incision is.”King recommended light exercise or abdominal massage, as well as a squat position to help get things moving more easily.Lori Bregman, a doula in Los Angeles, noted that staying hydrated is another way to prevent constipation. If you’re looking for something other than water, she recommends coconut water, bone broth and electrolyte drinks (like sports drinks). Fibre-rich foods like fruits and vegetables help, too.A tablespoon of coconut oil can act as a natural stool softener, Bregman said, and a foot stool such as a Squatty Potty can help you get into a comfortable position while you’re on the toilet.You’ll also be given a peri-bottle, a little plastic bottle that you can use to squirt water on your nether regions to clean yourself after going to the bathroom. This is much more comfortable than dry toilet paper, particularly if you had stitches in that area. Haemorrhoid helpHaemorrhoids are “swollen blood vessels in the rectal area that develop from the pressure [of] your growing uterus and increased blood flow. They can be itchy and painful,” Bregman said.Unfortunately, if you have them at the end of a pregnancy, delivery can exacerbate the problem. “They are extremely common during pregnancy and can get a lot worse especially if you pushed for a long time,” Braden explained.Studies show that about 40% of people who give birth suffer from hemorrhoids before, during or following delivery. Pushing for longer than 20 minutes is associated with haemorrhoids, as are assisted deliveries (forceps or vacuum). Your provider may mention that you have them when they examine you after delivery, and you can also ask them directly.The good news is that haemorrhoids “usually resolve on their own,” King said. There are many things you can do to reduce the discomfort of hemorrhoids. Bregman recommends:chilled or frozen witch hazel pads with drops of vitamin E oilfrozen leaf of an aloe vera plantsitting on a donut pillowusing a footstool while on the toiletsitz bathsicecomfrey root ointmentacupuncture When to call the doctorHemorrhoids can cause bleeding in the rectal area, but if you don’t have them, or you’re uncertain, bloody stool is definitely something to report to your health care provider.As far as constipation, it’s probably time to call the doctor “if you haven’t had a bowel movement in a week and you’re feeling quite constipated,” Braden said. Other symptoms that you’d want to report to your provider include “pain, swelling not going away, infection, weird smell, lots of bleeding and an intuitive feeling that something doesn’t feel right — always trust and follow that,” Bregman said.King recommends that you not allow your provider “to downplay your symptoms.” If you feel that this is happening, you can look for a second opinion.Related...This Is What No One Tells You About Miscarrying 6 TimesI Quit My Job To Stay Home With The Kids – And It’s Not What You’d ExpectYes, Friendships Change After Parenthood – But Maybe Not For The Reason You Think

Two recipes from best-selling author Annabel KarmelGetting children involved in the kitchen is something mother and author Annabel Karmel is incredibly passionate about.So it’s perhaps no surprise then that her latest (and 50th) recipe book My First Cookbook is jam-packed with simple yet nutritious recipes that adults and kids can both get involved with making. As busy working parents it can be hard to find the time and creativity, not to mention ingredients, to devise nutritious home-cooked meals, which is where My First Cookbook can help.Expect fun lunchbox ideas such as Caterpillar Sandwiches, big batch meals like Teddy Bear Pasta and seasonal specials like Monster Pizzas and Gingerbread Men. The book helps children learn essential hands-on kitchen skills – from simple sandwich making all the way to cake baking. If you’re stuck for mealtime inspiration this weekend – and have a bit of time to spare to get your kids involved in the kitchen – we’ve got two of her brand new recipes to share. Sticky chicken with sweet potato friesNobody can resist this sweet, sticky chicken, especially with healthy baked fries.Serves 4 | Prep time 40 mins | Cooking time 25 minsYou’ll need: baking tray, baking paperSticky chicken with sweet potato friesIngredients3 tablespoons ketchup3 tablespoons soy sauce2 tablespoons honey2 cloves of garlic, crushed500g (18oz) boneless chicken thighs, sliced into strips3 medium sweet potatoes, scrubbed2 tablespoons sunflower oil1 teaspoon chopped thyme3 tablespoons semolina MethodPut the chicken into a medium mixing bowl. Add the ketchup, soy, honey and garlic, and mix together to coat the chicken. Leave for 30 minutes, then arrange on a baking tray lined with baking paper.Preheat the oven to 200°C (400°F) Fan. Slice the sweet potatoes into thin chip shapes. Place on a baking sheet lined with baking paper. Add the oil and thyme. Season with salt and pepper, and coat with semolina to make them crispy. Mix everything up with your hands. Spread out on the baking sheet in a single layer.Put both baking sheets into the oven. Cook for about 25 minutes, until the chicken is cooked and golden brown and the fries are lightly golden and cooked through.Banana and blueberry loaf cakeSlice up this fruit-filled loaf to make a delicious doggy face.Serves 8 | Prep time 20 mins | Cooking time 60 minsYou’ll need: 900g (32oz) loaf tin, baking paperBanana and blueberry loaf cakeIngredients150g (2/3 cup) butter, softened125g (3/4 cup) light brown sugar2 eggs1 teaspoon vanilla extract200g (7oz) overripe bananas, mashed, plus extra slices225g (2 cups) self-raising flour1 teaspoon mixed spice100g (3.5oz) blueberries To decoratebananaa few blueberriesa few raspberriesMethodPreheat the oven to 160°C (325°F) Fan. Grease and line a loaf tin with non-stick paper.Whisk the butter and sugar together in a mixing bowl until fluffy. Add the eggs, vanilla, bananas, flour and mixed spice. Whisk together using an electric hand whisk.Fold in the blueberries and spoon into the loaf tin. Bake in the oven for 50 mins-1 hour until well risen and lightly golden.Slice into slices and arrange on a plate to look like a dog’s face and ears. Add banana slices and blueberries for the eyes and nose, and a raspberry for the tongue.My First Cookbook by Annabel Karmel is available to buy now for £12.99.Related...These Mid-Week Meal Ideas For Busy Parents Are A Lifesaver When You're In A RushHow To Get Your Toddler To Try New Textures – Plus 3 Foolproof Lunch IdeasI Thought I Was Acing Parenting By Putting My Kids First. Then I Made A Major Change

Badges often worn by pregnant people while riding public transportation in London.I am pregnant. The day I’m writing this, I am exactly 4 1/2 weeks pregnant, according to one of the many fertility apps I have littering my phone. I’m sitting on my sofa alone, trying to collect my thoughts. While it’s wonderful news, it is news I am struggling with because I suffer from recurrent miscarriage, and this is my seventh pregnancy.I have a daughter ― my husband and I, we have a daughter. She is coming up on her second birthday and is the joy in our hearts. Our gratitude for her knows no limits. She is at the front and centre of our everything. We are lucky.But I am sitting here to write about the precious ones that didn’t make it. While miscarriage is only just coming out from under the shadows, recurrent miscarriage — defined as losing three or more consecutive pregnancies — still lurks in the background. In the United Kingdom, where we live, it affects about one in every 100 couples trying for a baby.I produced “Woman’s Hour” on BBC Radio 4 for many years and, despite this, I realise I apparently hadn’t absorbed much about fertility before I met my husband. I suppose I didn’t feel I really needed to. I had periods, they were regular, and there were no signs that I needed to worry, aside from the old warning of the “ticking clock” of age.I had always wanted children — three of them, and the first one before I was 30, thank you very much. This idea was firmly kiboshed after my fiance of 10 years left me when I was 29 years old. Then it took me another nine long years to meet my husband, the great love of my life. We met and knew within weeks that we were meant to be together. We examined our ticking clocks and we wasted no time. I mention this now because I have often felt the cocked eyebrow of “if you hadn’t waited so long ...” But the problem with age and fertility is that life does what life does sometimes: We were older when we met.And in fact, to our enormous shock, we got pregnant the very first time we tried. Having been advised that it would take us ages, we were taken aback ― but also very happy and excited. We told our families and friends immediately, as we knew instinctively that whether it went well or not, we would need those close to us to know what was happening so they could support us along the way — which, oh boy, they did.I watched my body change. I felt the exhaustion ripple through me in waves and started to ready myself (with Bovril on crackerbread ― don’t judge me) as the nausea bubbled up, until I woke up one morning and there was a great sense of emptiness ― I hesitate to write it, but peace ― in my body. I waited a few days, wanting to believe I was misreading it and attempting to will myself to get the feelings back. A trip to the Early Pregnancy Unit gave us our first taste of loss: the out-of-body experience of undergoing a transvaginal ultrasound while a stranger tells you that you’re no longer carrying a second heartbeat in your body.What we didn’t know was that it was going to be the first of five similar experiences and one incredibly tough, risk-filled, highly medicalised, but of course ultimately joyous pregnancy that reached full term and resulted in the birth of our daughter.***This kind of loss is so much more than the experience of loss itself. It feels important to talk about the paraphernalia around miscarriage, because these are things I really wasn’t ready for and we don’t talk about it enough. Perhaps if you’re reading this, or you have a friend or know someone or are that person, you will find this useful.Miscarriage is a great deal more than the experience of carrying and losing a baby. It can be the overpowering, shivering-on-the-floor, big things that one can perhaps imagine. And it can be the small things. I live in London, and when someone is pregnant here, it is not uncommon for them to wear a badge that reads “Baby on Board.” This signals to people — specifically on busy trains and buses — that you might look just a little tired and distracted, but you are actually in the middle of the most wild and magical journey of creating another human from nothing inside your body, and you might need a seat. The thing about losing a pregnancy is that you wear that badge for weeks and then, suddenly, you don’t have the need or right to anymore. And taking off that badge and then getting onto a busy tube or bus, your body still filled with pregnancy hormones ― quite possible still full of pregnancy ― and reeling with trauma, but invisible trauma, you find yourself fighting once again for a seat because there are no badges that can even begin to describe your situation. That is indescribably tragic. And yet, with each pregnancy, I have found it utterly impossible to resist those tiny glimpses of possibility that find me this very morning reaching for my calendar with a quickness in my heart. Each time, I think maybe this time, this pregnancy ― these hopes, these dreams, these dates ― will stick. Dates ― dates are hard. Anyone living any kind of experience of fertility will know that the ability to plan ― to start to visualise, to shape the months ahead ― is a fundamental part of the journey. While running the full out-of-control gamut of growing a human inside the body, you reach for what you can control: the best time to leave work, the latest time you can get away with taking a plane, the cleverest way of making career decisions that will still be realistic without losing ambition. With recurrent miscarriage, dates slip through your fingers into an abyss. They become not just unpinnable ― they become sarcastic. They are tough reminders of all the ways you thought your life would be. I fight with the sensation that it is futile to make plans. Futile to imagine time ahead. For people trying to conceive, life moves in two-week cycles ― sometimes for months or, like in our case, years on end. For people with recurrent miscarriages, you have concurrent time paths ― the two-week ones, and the nine-month-and-beyond ones. It is draining. And yet, with each pregnancy, I have found it utterly impossible to resist those tiny glimpses of possibility that find me this very morning reaching for my calendar with a quickness in my heart. Each time, I think maybe this time, this pregnancy ― these hopes, these dreams, these dates ― will stick.Then there’s dealing with all of the advice you get. This one is hard, and I feel instantly guilty writing it because our friends and families have been nothing but supportive, but there’s something that I began to notice but didn’t ever have the strength to speak about at the time. Often, the consolation I received when I shared bad news came in the form of supportive advice, which in turn frequently came in the form of imperatives: “You must ...” “You mustn’t ...” “You’ve got to ...” “You shouldn’t ...” All of it was meant with love and care and concern, but still, it was bruising because I knew deep down through the waves of grief that I didn’t need to do anything that I wasn’t doing. What I needed wasn’t to be told to “be positive” or to “not give up” ― I knew all that and, in time, I knew I would get there. What I needed, but was too numb to ask for, was to be allowed to grieve, to sit in the space and acknowledge ― and have it acknowledged ― that what we were experiencing was terrible and sad and worthy of grief. ***Losing a pregnancy is an intensely personal experience. Losing more than one becomes confusing. You lose a sense of who your tribe is. When you lose a pregnancy, you join a group of people who have a uniquely acute understanding of the precariousness of desiring a baby. When you have lost multiple pregnancies, in my experience, you begin to lose the sense of even being a part of that group. With each lost pregnancy, I fell even further behind. The tragedy ― digging deeper into the soul each time ― becomes outwardly more commonplace: It has happened, simply, again. “Another miscarriage.” You begin to lose count of which one happened when ― the dates, the weeks, the order. But regardless of whether or not your broken head can make sense of it, your broken heart records every moment of it.There are mirror babies — the babies who are due when yours were due. Some friends of ours were due the same week our very first pregnancy was due, and their beautiful baby girl ― whose third birthday is two days from now ― is a constant marker in the sand of what might have been. As I write this, a baby who was due the same week as our fourth pregnancy has been born. Three ― three ― friends currently have babies due the week that our fifth pregnancy would have been due. Each time, this gets harder. At first, I was OK with seeing people who were pregnant because I had a lot of hope and pragmatism. But now I’ve been avoiding certain friend groups because despite ongoing and welcome therapy, the sight of friends’ stomachs being the size that mine ought to have been is just too much. It is lonely ― and complicated, because it is a very separate feeling from the one of happiness I have for my friends. It feels absurd to have to say it, but it’s important: I don’t begrudge them for their pregnancies. I am objectively happy for them. But I am subjectively torn apart by the coincidence of timing. The author with her daughter.My current pregnancy came as a shock. Because my husband and I know my body, my ovulation cycles and my hormones so intrinsically well, it appeared that the stress of moving into our new home ― and the stress of simultaneously researching expensive IVF options ― had caused me to miss an ovulation for the very first time. My daughter and I also had chest infections for a week during the pandemic, causing me to misinterpret signs that my body might have been giving me. At the same time, my relationship with my body has completely changed. Once, we were friends — we knew each other intimately and communicated beautifully with each other. Now, we are not on speaking terms: I don’t trust the contradictory messages I am getting from it, and it is exhausted from the trauma of growth and loss, growth and loss, and it lashes out with weight gain, bloating, stomach cramps and other issues. I took a test to have belt-and-braces proof that I wasn’t pregnant so that I could begin an IVF cycle. But the various pregnancy tests I’ve taken ― and keep looking at for confirmation ― are telling me that I am pregnant. My husband and I are muted and tender about the news.  But my 24/7 body scanning continues ― along with a positive mental attitude battling anxiety and joy battling realism.  This could be the one ― the so-desired sibling for our incredible daughter.  Or maybe it isn’t. And until we find out one way or the other, we as a family are holding our breath.As I finish writing, my daughter bounces into the room, brandishing the plastic top of a milk bottle.“Where are you going to put that, my love?” I ask her.She is learning to talk: “o t tay-bel.” On the table.She is thrilled. So am I. I smile at her, genuinely. I take in a deep breath and try to release it. But I can’t.Susannah Tresilian is a theatre director and podcast producer who founded Ariadne, a network of women who make social and political theatre around the world to inspire change. She lost the pregnancy she wrote about in this piece just one day short of nine weeks. It was due on February 22, 2022.Related...I Miscarried 4 Times In A Year. 2 Words From A Doctor Changed Everything.I Thought IVF Was My Biggest Parenting Hurdle — Then I Had The BabyMy Fertility Journey Didn't Have A Magical Ending, But Here's How I Got A Happy One

Feel confident that this easy-to-care-for tropical palm, cute round-leafed plant and easy-going succulent are safe to be around your furry family members.Animals are curious creatures. They sniff, paw at and dig their way through life ― and this may be especially true when you add new plants to your home. But instead of panicking each time you see Mr. Whiskers chomping on your kangaroo fern, know there are plenty of ways for both your furry and green family members to coexist in carefree, non-toxic unison. “Many of us share a living space with a cat or dog—or both! So, it’s essential to keep in mind plant toxicity when picking a houseplant to help keep them safe,” said Erin Marino, a plant expert from The Sill, an indoor plant shop that offers educational workshops.Marino explained that plant toxicity is something that naturally occurs as part of a plant’s evolutionary defence mechanism. “Most plants create or secrete what are called secondary plant metabolites to defend themselves. They have been doing this for millions of years! For example, poisonous sap from the popular rubber tree (or Ficus elastica) protects it from many herbivores,” she said.  Some of these secretions can be not just toxic, but deadly to pets. However, Marino said many factors contribute to whether or not a toxic plant is a complete threat to your animal. “It really depends on the pet and their interest level. And it’s important to note that the plant, or part of the plant, needs to be ingested to affect your pet. Simply being in the same room, perhaps on an out-of-reach shelf, can be totally fine.”Marino suggests keeping plants out of reach by utilising ceiling hangers, elevated shelves and plant stands. However, if you want to be on the complete safe side or if you have a particularly inquisitive pet, Marino said it’s best to steer clear of any bulb plants like daffodils, lilies and hyacinths, as well as the highly popular and beginner-friendly pothos plant. “Other popular toxic plants include the heartleaf philodendron, ZZ plant and peace lily,” she added.Marino also noted that just because a plant is non-toxic, doesn’t mean it’s necessarily edible — it just means it won’t make your pet seriously sick if they consume it. Organisations like the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals offer great resources to know what kinds of indoor and outdoor plants post a potential threat to your animal and which ones are safer options.Related...Yes Really – You're Probably Using Plant Milk In Your Coffee WrongUK Gardeners Warned Against Viral Porridge HackDoing This 1 Thing Now Could 'Double' The Roses In Your Garden Next Year

Read below to find out why it's not a great idea to drink first thing in the morning on an empty stomach.There are so many rules around not drinking: We’re told not to drink on an empty stomach. That alcohol disrupts our sleep. Not to drink during the day (for health and social reasons). But if we do want to imbibe (and responsibly), is there a good time and a right way to do it? While there are no hard-and-fast rules, HuffPost spoke with dieticians who recommended the best (and worst) time of day to imbibe an alcoholic beverage, as well as some suggestions on when to stop drinking to get a better night’s sleep and the best alcohol to choose if you’re going to indulge. One hint: Olivia Pope on “Scandal” had it right (carbs and red wine). The best time of day to drink (health-wise, that is)While we all love a sparkly breakfast mimosa with our Sunday brunch, imbibing before the scrambled eggs and pancakes is not the best idea, as our dieticians cautioned against drinking on an empty stomach. Registered dietitian Jerlyn Jones explained, “Alcohol enters your bloodstream through your stomach and small intestine. If your stomach’s empty when you start drinking, the alcohol will quickly enter your bloodstream. So it’s always a good idea to eat before you drink, no matter the time of day.” Breakfast drinking is frowned on for a good reason.Indeed, when alcohol is absorbed into the bloodstream too quickly, it can become dangerous and potentially toxic, according to registered dietitian Kimberly Rose Francis. To head off any potential ill effects from too much alcohol and not enough food, Rose Francis suggests that you pair your booze with your biggest meal of the day: dinner. She told HuffPost, “Generally speaking, dinner may be the ideal meal of choice, as it’s usually larger and loaded with carbs, fats and protein that help to slow down how quickly alcohol is absorbed into the bloodstream.”But, be aware there is no “perfect” time of day to have an adult drink, especially as alcohol’s effect on your body can depend on your age, gender, general healthand other factors such as medications or even stress.How soon before bedtime can you have a drink?For sensitive sleepers, there is only bad news. According to a study published in Substance Abuse, researchers found that drinkers who partook as early as the late afternoon experienced sleep disruptions. Jones explained, “With late afternoon (or happy hour) drinking, as much as six hours before bedtime can disrupt sleep, even though alcohol is no longer in the brain at bedtime.”The National Institutes of Health recommends stopping drinking four hours before heading to bed, but this also depends on how much you’ve been drinking. According to a study observing alcohol intake and sleep in Finnish employees,low amounts of alcohol (one to two drinks) had a mild impact on sleep quality. In contrast, higher amounts of alcohol decreased sleep quality by almost 40%.Registered dietitian Amanda Frankeny explained, “Drinking anywhere close to four hours before bed often causes people to wake up often, have night sweats, issues with breathing, nightmares and headaches.”If you're having a nightcap, the amount you drink can likely have more of an impact on your health than when you drink it.One bad night of bingeing can also impact the rest of your week’s sleep, according to Frankeny. She explained, “If you have a night of heavy boozing (meaning about four or more drinks in about two hours for women or five-plus drinks for men), that can cause your melatonin levels to be out of sorts and impact sleep for up to a week. It can also impact your brain function, heart health, memory, blood sugar regulation and mood.”Is there a ‘best alcohol’ to drink?Olivia Pope taught us to love red wine and popcorn, and she may have understood its potency. The drink is often lauded for its antioxidant resveratrol, making it a somewhat beneficial choice. Rose Francis explained further that “resveratrol is found in grape skin and consequently, red wine, since red wine is made from both grape skin and pulp. This is unlike white wine, which is made from pulp only. Resveratrol may help to lower blood pressure, aid in heart health, exhibit antitumour activity and much more.”But Frankeny added a reminder that how we enjoy alcohol is just as important as the type of alcohol we drink. “The biggest variance between the alcohols is actually the drinker’s perception and the context in which they’re drinking, she said. “For example,you may sip wine paired with your meal, drink beer at a concert and do multiple shots at a wedding. If you claim that changing the types of alcohol makes you behave differently, it’s probably because of your drinking circumstance and belief.”This is an excellent time to remind everyone how little we should be drinking if we choose to drink. The recommendation from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is one serving of alcoholper day for women and no more than two servings of alcohol per day for men. Rose Francis explained that a serving depends on the type of alcohol you choose. “One drink is defined as 12 ounces of beer (5% alcohol content), 8 ounces of malt liquor (7% alcohol content) 5 ounces of wine (12% alcohol content), and 1 1/2 ounces of 80-proof (40% alcohol content) distilled spirits or liquor,” she said.But that’s not to encourage you to take up drinking vino. If you don’t already drink, dieticians don’t advise starting. “Although some studies have found that a modest wine intake might decrease the risk of heart disease, anything more than moderate drinking may actually be harmful to health,” Jones pointed out.Do other cultures do it better than Americans?If “Emily in Paris” had you lusting over the French’s laissez-faire attitude toward daytime drinking, then throw those rose-colored glasses away. While France and other European cultures are known for their hedonistic enjoyment of life, those countries are not immune to the dangers of overconsumption. “The French don’t necessarily understand alcohol differently than Americans; they simply have different cultural and societal norms that influence their alcohol intake,” Rose Francis said.She cited that, in 2019, France’s National Institute of Cancer launched a campaign to encourage less alcohol consumption among the nation’s citizens. “As a country with one of the highest rates of alcohol consumption, this effort was made in response to thousands of preventable deaths that were the result of this favored pastime,” she said. “This lets us know that limitations to alcohol consumption make sense and should not be lightly regarded.”Related...Speaking To Your Vagina Can Help It Thrive, Says GynaecologistLove Chia Seeds? We've Got Some Bad News For Your BowelsGastro Doctors Share The 1 Food They Never (Or Rarely) Eat

A rainy vacation doesn't have to be a huge downer.We’ve all been there. You spend months planning and looking forward to a special vacation ― only to arrive and find that it rains much of the time.No matter how many sacrifices you offer up to the weather gods, the reality is that the radar just isn’t on your side sometimes. But that doesn’t mean your trip is ruined by any means.Below, travel experts share their advice for making rainy vacation days more enjoyable.Take this time to recharge. Don’t let the stress of unexpected rain take away the relaxation of being on vacation. You can still use this time to recharge, especially if you’ve taken time off work.“No one wants it to rain on their trip, but it’s important to remember that any time away is still a vacation,” Casey Brogan, a consumer travel expert at Tripadvisor, told HuffPost. “Use rainy days to relax and truly unwind, whether it be by streaming a show you’ve been wanting to finish, playing games with your loved ones or even enjoying an afternoon at a spa nearby.”Consider pivoting to a full-on self-care day and focus on being kind to your body and mind. Take a long bath, read a fun book or spend some time journaling. “If rain has dampened your tropical vacation, have a spa day — or, for the more active type, hit the gym,” said Laura Ratliff, senior editorial director of TripSavvy. “Some resorts even offer exercise classes tailored to the destination — think muay thai in Thailand or yoga in India.”Connect with your travel companions.“Take a rain event as an opportunity to spend even more close personal time with the people you are on your trip with,” said Phil Dengler, co-founder of The Vacationer. “Whether you are with a spouse, your kids, family members or friends, take the extra time to enjoy the moment of just being together. Do not sulk over the rain, but instead spend some carefree time with the people most important to you.”He emphasised that you should take the opportunity to really enjoy your conversations. If you’re with small children, make up a fun game about staying inside and spend quality time together.“The day might turn out better than if there were no rain and you were out doing activities,” Dengler told HuffPost. “And if you are by yourself, take the moment to reflect and enjoy your own company.”Konrad Waliszewski, co-founder and CEO of Tripscout, said rain can sometimes provide an opportunity to connect with strangers as well. “Some of my best travel memories actually happened because a group of random people all escaped into the nearest shelter together, such as spending an afternoon making new friends in an Irish pub or playing board games in an island hut,” he said. “In both examples, I met more people and learned more about culture than if I had been able to stick to my original plan.”Plan some epic food and drink experiences. “Many activities outside can be rescheduled or refunded,” Dengler said. “If it rains, see how you can adjust your schedule for any planned activities and instead do things that are weatherproof. Eating and drinking are enjoyable to almost everyone.”He suggested taking a brewery or winery tour and venturing out to try local dishes for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Do your research and make a list of interesting foods you’d like to try while you’re in town. You can arrange a guided — or self-guided — food tour or reserve a tasting at a restaurant. You could even go to the grocery store and buy local ingredients to cook a special meal with your travel companions if you’re staying at a place with a full kitchen. Planning some fun food and drink experiences, either out or where you're staying, could be the antidote to a rainy vacation day.Get to know the local culture indoors. Brogan pointed out that many indoor cultural activities are available at most travel destinations. “Museums, for instance, [and other] theatre or indoor entertainment options are an amazing way to learn more about a destination’s culture,” she said. “And, of course, for the non-history or art buffs, you can’t go wrong shopping or dining out.”Browsing local stores, especially vintage shops and used bookstores, can offer an interesting insight into the local culture, and you might find some really unique items to take home. “Taking virtual or indoor classes in cooking of the local cuisine, pottery or other art would be really cool,” said Stephanie Be, a travel blogger and founder of Buena. “My personal favourite is using the time to write postcards to my favourite people. It would also be a good time to revisit your travel planning to prioritise how to spend time outside of the rain.”Be prepared.“It is so important to check weather conditions where you visit,” said Michael Lindsay of the travel content duo Michael & Matt. “If the goal is to be outside most or all of the time, you really want to pick and choose seasons of travel. This is especially true in tropical places. We always look up the rainy season and try to plan around it.”Even if you are traveling to a destination during a less-than-ideal weather situation, knowledge is power. Lindsay noted that even though he and his husband’s honeymoon in Thailand took place during the rainy season, they were prepared.“We didn’t have much money to spend and the rainy season is low season for tourists, so things were much cheaper,” he said. “It did not rain constantly, but we were in a pretty hot environment most of the time with high humidity. Umbrellas and ponchos were our friends. If you know you are going in offseason to avoid crowds or get a bang for your buck, make sure there are indoor activities that you will enjoy.”Ravi Roth, a queer travel expert and host of “The Gaycation Travel Show,” stressed the importance of packing the right gear to prepare for rain ― from socks and shoes to a good jacket.“Research the destination and if you know you will be visiting during the rainy season, try out your rain boots beforethe trip,” Roth told HuffPost. “I learned the hard way by rocking new boots in Glasgow, Scotland. As cute as my boots were, my blisters were not. Rain can often be fun if your socks don’t get wet and you have the right jacket and bag.”Spend time outdoors anyway. “First things first: Who said everyone hates the rain?” Be said. “Sassiness aside, discussing expectations with your travel companions is a must before any trip. Maybe your wanderlust warrior doesn’t mind getting a little wet. It’s OK to want different things, and so setting a tone of ‘I don’t like the rain,’ ‘I expect XYZ excursions/activities versus total relaxation time’ or ‘This is how I feel about the budget’ can prevent problems from coming to life.”So if your group doesn’t mind forging on with your plans in spite of the rain, go for it. You might even find that certain outdoor attractions are far less crowded in wet conditions.“As long as it’s warm and there are no thunderstorms, there’s nothing wrong with being in the water!” said Jessica van Dop DeJesus, a travel media specialist and blogger at The Dining Traveler. “You will catch me at the beach under a deluge!”If you have children and the conditions aren’t unsafe, they might enjoy running and playing outside in the rain. This can be a fun way to make memories as a family.“When your plans are thrown off by rain, embrace it!” Waliszewski said. “Travel is not about seeing the perfect postcard expectation you had in your mind. It’s about experiencing the world as it is. And that means sometimes, it rains.”Related...New Study Finds Working This Many Days At Home May Help The PlanetVenice Hasn't Been Added To List Of Endangered World Heritage Sites. But Where Else Made The Cut?Saving Your Scented Candles For A Good Day Is A Bad Idea. Let Us Explain

If you're taking a long flight, don't forget to pack some compression socks.These days, there are countless air travel products on the market, from space-maximizing suitcases to ergonomic pillows to portable chargers. While everyone has their individual gadget preferences, there’s one item all avid travelers should pack in their carry-on luggage for lengthy flights: compression socks. Sitting still for long stretches of time isn’t just boring ― it’s also bad for your circulation. Wearing compression socks or stockings can help, though. Below, doctors break down the function of this legwear on flights and share other advice for promoting vascular health during your travels. Why are compression socks important? “Normally, blood flow through the veins and back to the heart is augmented by the calf muscle pump,” said Dr. Scott N. Hurlbert, a vascular surgeon at UCHealth Vein and Vascular Surgery Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado. “When you are traveling by air, you usually don’t have much room to move around. As a result, the blood becomes more stagnant, which can lead to blood clots.”Basically, contracting your calf muscles helps pump blood back to your heart. So, when you’re immobilised, that isn’t happening. Thus, flying may increase your risk of developing a type of blood clot called deep vein thrombosis, or DVT.“Another issue with air travel is dehydration, which can also predispose [someone] to blood clots,” Hurlbert noted. “There is also increased pressure in the veins, which can cause swelling.”How do compression socks work?“Compression socks are useful for lowering the risk of DVT as they mimic the contraction function of the calf muscles, even when you are not walking,” said Dr. Michael Go, an associate professor in the division of vascular diseases and surgery at The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center.  “They are also good at preventing the leg swelling that some people get after a long plane trip,” Go added. Put simply, compression socks apply external pressure to your lower legs, which ― as the name suggests ― compresses the veins and keeps the blood flowing. “Graduated compression stockings can also be worn, which gently squeeze the ankles and calves, working against gravity and reducing the amount of blood that pools in the lower leg veins,” said Dr. Sachin Nagrani, medical director at the home health care service Heal. When should you wear compression socks?“Longer flights, particularly those lasting four hours or more, create more risk for the possibility of a blood clot,” said Nagrani. “For individuals at increased risk of DVT, it’s recommended to speak to your primary care doctor about compression socks and other individually focused preventive measures.”Hulbert noted that the risk of blood clots during air travel is overall low, but increases as the time spent in the air increases. Thus, he also supports the recommendation to wear compression stockings for flights longer than four or five hours ― especially if you’ve developed leg swelling or blood clots in the past or have a family history of clotting. “If a person is prone to developing blood clots or has swelling in their legs with shorter trips, then they should wear them for any duration of trip,” Hulbert added. What else can you do to prevent blood clots?“The primary measure to prevent DVT is movement, so if you’re on a flight lasting longer than four hours it’s wise to move your legs while seated routinely and consider standing up and walking the aisle to ensure good circulation,” Nagrani said.He advised moving at least every two hours as a general in-flight practice. “The more a person is able to activate the calf muscle pump, the better,” Hulbert said. “Toe raises are a great exercise that doesn’t require a lot of room to do.”Other ways to promote good circulation during a flight include staying hydrated and wearing loose clothing. And don’t forget to take care of yourself on non-travel days as well. Said Nagrani: “In everyday life, regular physical activity, healthy eating, and not using tobacco products will benefit you in countless ways, including blood clot prevention.”Related...New Study Finds Working This Many Days At Home May Help The Planet5 Things COVID Experts Personally Won't Do Right Now In This Latest SurgeWhat Exactly Is Net Zero – And How Does It Affect You?

Generally, crying during sex is not considered a turn-on. This is particularly true when you’ve been trying to come for the past 10 minutes, rubbing yourself raw while your boyfriend of four years grows increasingly frustrated and probably ― you think ― rather bored of the whole routine.Considering the contrast between when we started dating and a few years later, I didn’t blame him for being exasperated. In the beginning, the sex was good. Most importantly, it was thoughtless and characterized by a sense of whimsy that made everything fun and easy. Somewhere between years two and four, something in our dynamic shifted. I don’t remember when the change took place, or what precipitated it. But I know that the crying started around the same time that climaxing became more difficult. Things would get steamy, our clothes would come off, and then... nothing.Cut to me sobbing into his shoulder, whispering apologies as he sighed loudly and felt around the bed for our clothes, asking whether he should “just put the kettle on.” It is not an exaggeration to say that I felt humiliated in these moments.My boyfriend, a sex-positive 22-year-old with the libido of a particularly horny rabbit, would not be deterred. We tried different positions, new lube, dirty talk, no talk, porn ― everything we could think of that didn’t involve a visit to an actual doctor. (Since I could still finish sometimes, I reasoned that it must be a psychological issue and not a physiological one.)The paradox was that the more I focused on trying to finish, the less likely it was to happen. I once compared it to the act of desperately pumping an empty sunscreen bottle when you’re already on the beach. He replied that actually, it was more like waiting for someone to cook you dinner, and then telling them you weren’t hungry only after they’d served it.The worst part was knowing I’d let him down. I could see the self-doubt compounding in his head after every failure. Since we were in an open relationship, I encouraged him to fulfil his sexual needs with other guys and just get the emotional stuff from me. I half-joked that I could download Tinder and find a lookalike of myself for him to have sex with while I made the relevant noises from a shadowy corner. He didn’t laugh. At the time, I thought I was being selfless, but in retrospect I can see how hurtful the idea actually was.The more often it didn’t happen, the less I felt like trying, and the worse our relationship got. Not because sex was everything to us, but because it felt like a symptom of something bigger ― a symbol of our miscommunication ― and, later, a sign of our incompatibility. The fact that it was easy enough for him to finish created an imbalance, and our respective frustrations caused a rift between us.By this time, I’d started to entertain the idea that maybe I didn’t even like or need sex that much. Maybe the reason I didn’t finish was that I wasn’t into it. I already knew that it had nothing to do with my boyfriend, and everything to do with me. The way I saw it, I had lost the fight against my own mind. The thing keeping me from coming was myself. When we broke up a few months ago, we hadn’t had sex in weeks, deciding implicitly that if we couldn’t finish the race together then it was not worth running in the first place. When I started seeing someone new, it was with some trepidation. I didn’t want to let him down in the same way. In a very short amount of time, we uncovered an emotional connection that was beyond anything I’d experienced before. When we first had sex, it didn’t even cross my mind that I might not finish. I was so viscerally attracted to him that our sex barely took place on a physical plane, which meant that ordinary human concerns like climaxing didn’t cross my mind. Until they did. Picture this, if you will: I’m sitting on top of him, skin glistening as beads of sweat roll down my face and decorate my neck like a pearl necklace. We are connecting in a way that is unburdened, honest, uninhibited. I lean in to kiss him, and as I pull away, he places a hand on the back of my head, pulls my ear to his lips. “I want you to come first,” he breathes. Almost immediately, I know that is not going to happen. A slow chill spreads up my body, snaps me out of the moment and into my mind, my old nemesis. I am surprised and dismayed to see my enemy is alive and well, having taken the time off to plan a more spectacular way to ruin my sex life. Despite this, we continue trying ― me knowing he can finish at any time, imagining how badly he wants to, and him not knowing that at any moment I might burst into tears. Eventually, I tell him: Look, I’m sorry. I just don’t think it’s going to happen. I resign myself to the inevitable sighing, the disappointed grimace, a consolatory cup of tea. But I was not dealing with a regular person. He told me it was OK, and that he’d still had a really good time. When I tried to leave, he asked me where I thought I was going, and pulled me back into his embrace. He asked why I was upset, and I rolled my eyes because it was so obvious. He shook his head gently, kissed me deeply. As we lay naked in each other’s arms, he explained his view on sex to me. The whole point of it, he said, is to reach another level of intimacy, through pleasure. In this case, pleasure is less about one specific moment or destination, and more about the entire journey. An orgasm may fall into the category of pleasure, he explained, but it isn’t the only thing in it. Another way to think about it: An orgasm is the creme brûlée at the end of a five-course meal. Pleasure is the whole damn event — breadsticks to main course to dessert. I wasn’t sure why the men I dated kept comparing sex to food, but I was willing to concede the point.This was a whole new type of sex positivity, something more mature and profound. His philosophy recognised that there is a vast universe of what is normal when it comes to sexuality and our bodies. What sex “should” look like is particular to each relationship, and even to each experience.Wanting badly for this new venture to work out, I began talking to friends and colleagues and people from my dance class about orgasms. If you try this, you will be surprised at just how willing most people are to talk about coming ― or not coming.In a relationship between two men, finishing is usually taken for granted, since the narrative in so much of our media is that sex is done when the man finishes ― and that it’s really easy for this to happen. Accuracy aside, this social conditioning has affected the way we think about sex, and not for the better. When I spoke to some women about it, they reminded me that it’s hardly unheard of for them not to orgasm. For centuries, women have had to find pleasure in the journey, since it was assumed that for them, finishing was unlikely and not even the point. One lady, a 40-something divorcée with a penchant for finding the positive side to anything, reminded me that there are multiple ways to have an orgasm, even for men. (Anal orgasms are real, and they’re very intense ― do not underestimate the power of your prostate.)Now, when my new partner and I have sex, it is with the express understanding that the sex itself is the thing. With the pressure of having to climax removed, I’m free to focus on just having a good time. Instead of feeling isolated after an “unsuccessful” session, I always feel closer to him ― and closer to us. When we meet in the ethereal plane above the bed, it is with the goal of pleasuring each other. And while I am actually more likely to come now than ever before, I’m happy not to ― and that has made all the difference. Do you have a compelling personal story you’d like to see published on HuffPost? Find out what we’re looking for here and send us a pitch.Related...This 1 Thing Can Predict If Your Partner Is Thinking About Breaking UpSo THAT'S Why We're Getting All Those Instagram Broadcast NotificationsSorry But You've Probably Been In One Of These Three Types Of Situationship

Every muscle in my back, hips and legs ached. I was shaking and shivering uncontrollably, despite the three blankets I was buried under. My head throbbed, my throat was scratchy and I felt downright miserable — my breakthrough COVID-19 infection was no joke.But the worst part of all? Despite how fatigued I felt, sleep seemed to be just out of reach.Any time you’re sick, sleeping can be more difficult. A COVID infection is no different, said Dr. Heather Moday, an immunologist and author of “The Immunotype Breakthrough.”“Whether it’s a breakthrough COVID infection or an infection of an unvaccinated person, either can cause disruptions of sleep,” she explained. “The issue is the severity of symptoms. People with breakthrough infections tend to have milder symptoms of aches, fever, cough and fatigue compared to the unvaccinated. But these symptoms may still be there to some degree. All of these symptoms may make it more difficult to get comfortable and stay asleep.”How can you cope? If counting sheep isn’t cutting it, try these tips to get better sleep when you’re COVID-19 positive.Get in a hot showerBefore you go to bed, take a hot shower, said Dr. Lucy McBride, an internist based in Washington, D.C. Get the water warm enough to create steam. This is a great way to “loosen up congestion,” she explained.Use medication to mitigate your symptomsMcBride also suggested managing symptoms with over-the-counter cough medications and fever reducers (like ibuprofen or acetaminophen), as long as they don’t interfere with any other medications you’re taking.Beware of using decongestants in the evening, though, “as these contain ingredients that have stimulant properties and may keep you awake at night,” said Dr. Sonya Merrill, a sleep medicine specialist on the Texas Health Presbyterian Hospital Dallas medical staff.Taking a small dose of melatonin at bedtime might be helpful as well, Moday said, as it “not only helps ramp up your immune system overnight, but also helps improve circadian rhythm by opposing the stress hormone cortisol and telling your body it’s time for sleep.” Just be sure to chat with your doctor before starting any new medication.Prop up your head and neckMerrill recommended sleeping with your head and neck elevated, to “improve breathing and reduce mucus pooling in the back of your throat.”You can do this by lying on a few pillows or adding a proper neck pillow to your sleep arsenal.Drink lots of water, tea or electrolyte drinksMerrill suggested drinking water to help thin mucus, a byproduct of the infection that can lead to rest-reducing issues like congestion and nasal drip.If your symptoms include vomiting or nausea, it’s especially important to stay hydrated. “You can drink coconut water or add some electrolyte tabs, such as Nuun brand, into very diluted fruit juice,” Moday said. “Commercial electrolyte drinks like Pedialyte are fine as well, but they do contain more sugar. Ginger can help tremendously with nausea, as can fennel.” Moday also suggested drinking honey and lemon tea, or tea with demulcent herbs (like slippery elm and licorice root).Staying hydrated is crucial when you have COVID.Use a humidifier and keep your room at a decent temperatureMake sure your room is an ideal place to rest. Merrill recommended using a humidifier set between 40% and 50% humidity “to improve nasal breathing.” Also, an optimal bedroom temperature for sleeping is “between 65 and 68 degrees Fahrenheit, as it is all the more important to keep the bedroom cool when you have a fever,” Merrill said.Try your hardest not to sleep or stay in bed all dayWhile you may be tempted to sleep the day away with COVID, chances are you’ll regret it come nighttime. “It’s OK to spend a little more time than usual in bed at night, as you may need more sleep while battling a virus,” Merrill said. “However, avoid spending excessive time in bed during the day and taking long naps. These behaviors often make it harder for you to sleep at night.”Instead, Merrill suggested finding a comfortable place to rest during the day, such as a recliner or couch outside your bedroom, and setting a timer to ensure you don’t nap longer than 30 minutes. Isolate when possible to help you sleep better and protect othersWhile sharing a bed with someone may be your norm, it’s probably not a good idea while you’re fighting a COVID infection. Not only may having a bed partner keep you awake, but if you test positive for COVID-19, you should isolate from others for at least five days until you are fever-free for 24 hours without the use of fever-reducing medication and your symptoms are improving.“Generally, quarantining from your partner is still recommended with breakthrough cases of COVID-19 even if they are vaccinated and especially if they have a negative test,” Moday said. “Given the highly transmissible nature of the omicron variant, they have a very high change of getting infected if you don’t.”McBride acknowledged that isolating from very young children may not be possible. “Personally, I would have a very hard time isolating from my very young child if he/she had COVID,” she said. “We have to balance the potential harm of getting a breakthrough infection from our child — which for most vaccinated people is like a cold or a flu — against the harms of leaving a sick child alone.” Call your doctor if you still can’t sleepIf vomiting keeps you up all night, your cough is accelerating, or you’re having difficulty breathing, McBride said it’s time to call your physician.“Even breakthrough COVID infections can sometimes cause pneumonia,” she said, “so it’s important to always talk with your own doctor.” Related...My Child Has Covid Symptoms. 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