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Kiggans talks up 15-week abortion ban but won’t say if she’d vote for it

Kiggans had maintained that the overturn of Roe v. Wade made abortion a state issue.
Read full article on: washingtonpost.com
SNL is back. Here are the stories behind the show's iconic photos
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edition.cnn.com
Woman Planning to Secretly Abort Husband's Baby Backed: 'Tell No One'
While most commenters support the woman's decision, a psychotherapist tells Newsweek that she encourages "open communication between intimate partners."
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newsweek.com
Inflation soars to a record 10% in the 19-country Eurozone
Inflation in the European countries that use the euro has broken into double digits for the first time in the currency's history.
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latimes.com
Tua Tagovailoa ‘wasn’t the same guy’ when Mike McDaniel first saw QB after concussion
Tua Tagovailoa was released from the hospital and traveled back with the Dolphins to Miami after their 27-15 loss to the Bengals on Thursday night.
nypost.com
Woman’s pregnancy reveal in viral bachelorette party video criticized on TikTok
"Definition of 'how can I make this about me.'"
nypost.com
'Red-baiting' fliers mailed to Vietnamese Americans in tight California congressional race
GOP Rep. Michelle Steel's campaign doctored images to make Democratic rival Jay Chen appear to be a communist sympathizer
latimes.com
L.A. Affairs: Teaching my blind husband to swim pushed our marriage to extraordinary depths
Tethered and apart, we had our share of challenges and beautiful moments in the water off Malibu.
latimes.com
Breaking down the seven best games in college football's Week 5
Week 5 in college football is one of the best schedules of the season. Here's the best seven games to watch this weekend, led by an ACC showdown.       
usatoday.com
UFC free fight: Islam Makhachev tears through Dan Hooker in Round 1
Ahead of his lightweight title fight against Charles Oliveira at UFC 280, relive Islam Makhachev's finish of Dan Hooker at UFC 267.      Related StoriesUFC Fight Night 211 weigh-in results and live video stream (noon ET)Bellator 286 weigh-in results (noon ET)Patricio Freire planning eventual title chase at 135 – but says A.J. McKee trilogy looms, too - Enclosure 
usatoday.com
Will Elon Musk's Tesla Bot replace human workers? It's not that simple
Elon Musk says a new autonomous humanoid robot Tesla is set to unveil could make physical labor redundant. Technology experts doubt that
latimes.com
Endorsement: Will Rollins for Congress
He's a former federal prosecutor who will advocate for abortion rights and other issues important to families.
latimes.com
New Movies + Shows To Watch This Weekend: Disney+’s ‘Hocus Pocus 2’ + More
...plus Nothing Compares on Showtime, Ramy on Hulu, + more!
nypost.com
Your guide to the L.A. City Council District 11 race: Traci Park vs. Erin Darling
Homelessness is the dominant issue in the City Council district serving Venice and other coastal areas.
latimes.com
Pharma-funded FDA gets drugs out faster, but some work only ‘marginally’ and most are expensive
Since pharmaceutical companies started funding their FDA drug applications, the agency’s reviews have gone much faster — perhaps too fast.
latimes.com
Is Russia Still a Great Power? | Opinion
Despite Kyiv's impressive military successes, the war is not over.
newsweek.com
Endorsement: Rick Chavez Zbur for Assembly
Zbur's background in environmental policy and LGBTQ rights will make him a strong advocate for Santa Monica and Hollywood in the state Capitol.
latimes.com
Why More Married Couples Are Sleeping In Separate Beds
"Once you have kids, sleeping is a luxury!" says a mom-of-one who hasn't shared a room with her husband for four years.
newsweek.com
Take Your Nose for a Walk
When I leave my house, I’m first struck by the scent of a dry lawn, its soil desiccated by the heat waves of this past summer. I admire a neighbor’s roses (honey, jam, cloves) and make a right at the pho restaurant (garlic, cinnamon, emulsified bones). The pungent mothballs used by a produce market to deter pests remind me of halitosis. That odor is soon overtaken by the smell of imported guava, so fragrant that it pierces right through the plastic wrap. This high-octane perfume follows me down the block.I am on a smell walk, a habit formed during the coronavirus pandemic: I stroll around my tree-lined neighborhood in Toronto’s east end, focusing not on the city’s more obvious sights and sounds, but on its subtler scented stimuli. I started these walks for my mental health—walking provided me with daily physical activity, and smelling enabled a much-needed sense of cognitive stillness. These days, it’s become a scavenger hunt for my curiosity, an opportunity to encounter new odors that might teach me something about the place and time I inhabit.Part of the allure of a smell walk, I’ll admit, is how challenging and clumsy it feels to engage such an underused sense. Moving through the world nose-first feels antithetical to how I—and maybe most of us—grew up within it. Ours is a culture dominated by the audiovisual; filtering our experience by olfaction doesn’t come as easily as noticing the changing of seasons in the trees, say, or recognizing a melody from a passing vehicle. It requires deliberate attention and an unnatural-seeming amount of mental effort, like maintaining a firm grasp on something that is used to being free.[Read: The only two seasons that matter now]It also feels a little like rooting for the underdog. If the five senses were a boy band, smell would certainly be the least popular member. This is not news: Some of the most influential philosophers in Western history turned up their noses at olfaction. “Man can smell things only poorly,” Aristotle declared, deeming our noses inaccurate sense organs. Immanuel Kant called smell “the most dispensable” of our senses, citing its fleeting nature as the reason “it does not pay to cultivate it or refine it.” Centuries later, a study conducted by the marketing company McCann Worldgroup would reveal that more than half of the 16-to-22-year-olds they interviewed would rather give up their sense of smell than technology. My friends agree, putting smell on the chopping block before all other senses, even when I, a lifelong fragrance nerd, tell them—with some indignation—that the senses are inextricable, and that about 80 percent of our experience of taste is actually olfactory in nature.The pandemic changed this indifference to scent. Loss of smell became a telltale sign of COVID infection. People around me started reporting a temporary loss of olfaction. Some experienced ghost smells, also known as phantosmia, such as a sudden waft of cigarette smoke out of nowhere. Others experienced parosmia—distortions in their perception of familiar smells. An epicurean friend (who, for a period, found her favorite dishes ruined by this condition) admitted to me that she’d never attributed much importance to her sense of smell—until it was gone.Elsewhere, stories about smell proliferated. TikToks extolling the benefits of smell training (the practice of repeatedly smelling the same handful of fragrances to rehabilitate the nose) hit my For You page. Mask wearers talked about missing the smells of the outside world. Scent had entered the chat. I felt a strange sense of camaraderie with these smell observers, who were newly attentive to its wonders; my obsession was finally being recognized.When I got COVID two years into the pandemic, I documented changes in my olfaction with a mix of trepidation and inquisitiveness. Reading about someone else’s parosmia is one thing, but the only way to truly understand a scent is to experience it firsthand. My sense of smell shape-shifted for weeks. Water tasted alarmingly metallic. Cilantro, mysteriously stripped of its floral soapiness, was palatable again. Perfumes I knew by heart smelled like they were riddled with holes—entire spectrums of scent that I could no longer detect. Smell walks gained another purpose, a chance to put my nose to the test: Would I be able to smell the grass at the park? What about the roasted coffee from the Starbucks on the corner? Would my sense of smell return—in its entirety—in time for the lilacs?Thankfully, it did, allowing me to indulge in some of my most cherished seasonal smells: clothes hung out to dry in the sun, the coconutty bouquet of drugstore sunscreens, a waft of charred meat from a distant grill. Soon, it’ll be the cool mineral air on a fall night, the must of wet leaves underfoot. The smell walks are a reminder that seasonal transitions happen in the atmosphere too, not just in the color of leaves overhead.What is a recreational practice for me draws on the extensive work of artists and academics who study how smell informs our understanding of public space. One of them is Kate McLean, the director of the graphic-design program at the University of Kent, who leads smell walks in cities worldwide to track how scents operate in particular environments. She translates the resulting data into “smellscape mappings”—vibrant renderings consisting of colored dots, which represent different smell sources, and radiating concentric blobs that show their decreasing intensity and drift. Summer of 2012 in Newport, Rhode Island, smelled like beer bars, beach roses, the ocean. Summer of 2017 around Astor Place, New York City: construction, wet garbage bins, cigarette smoke. We frequently remember our cities through photographs and archives, but how do we remember their smells? McLean’s cartography for the ephemeral becomes a shared memory to be passed on—and an invitation to capture, through a less common lens, the times and spaces we exist in.Smell awareness can also reveal sociocultural information that tends to be eclipsed by the other senses. The Berlin-based olfactory artist Sissel Tolaas, who has been logging scents since the 1990s, sees all smells as units of data, which she organizes in different ways. In Talking Nose, odors that Tolaas collected in Mexico City became a scratch-and-sniff map that called attention to the city’s dense air pollution; in the installation Eau D’You Who Am I, visitors were invited to touch the walls to release smells that represented different facets of Singaporean youth identity. Today, Tolaas’s personal scent archive consists of more than 7,000 smells, each numbered and preserved in its own aluminum can, and linked to a story about the context of that scent. “Every smell in the archive,” she writes, “has a story to tell.”I think that’s true of all smells. On my walks, the aim is to notice scents without judging their origins, as one might treat intruding thoughts during meditation. Tuning in can feel like discovering a secret radio station, one that communicates clues about the kaleidoscopic world we live in—who was here, what they consumed, how they spent their days. And if you keep up the smell walks, they become documents of change, in seasons as in culture. I live in fear that my favorite pho shop will one day close down and be replaced by a trendy cannabis shop, echoing the fate of so many other businesses in the area. What I’d miss most would be the immediate comfort of its smell.Kant deemed olfaction unworthy of study because of its ephemerality. His loss. For me, scent’s impermanence is precisely why it is so vital. It’s in many ways a mirror of life itself: here, then gone, made richer when we pay attention along the way.
theatlantic.com
The Bros and cons of being a huge, gay Hollywood rom-com
Billy Eichner and Luke MacFarlane in Bros, a movie about gay dudes (not brothers). | Bros/Universal Pictures Bros wants to be a gay love story that doesn’t play it straight. Billy Eichner seems like the fun kind of grumpy — like a person who will say the mean stuff you’d wish you could say out loud. Eichner rocketed to success and visibility based on his ability to charmingly harangue New Yorkers on sidewalks. Then on Difficult People, he sharpened that crankiness and pop culture savvy into an acidic, narcissistic lead also named Billy, in a show that’s loosely based on his and his friend Julie Klausner’s lives. The underlying irony of Eichner’s humor is that the crankiness is blazing insecurity, the meanness is neurosis, and his self-absorption is a symptom of being his own biggest critic. He’s hilarious and caustic, but you probably wouldn’t assume he’s a romantic. Eichner is now starring as Bobby in Bros,which he co-wrote with director Nicholas Stoller. In it, he flexes a similar smart irritability that we saw in Difficult People and Billy on the Street — this time, in a rom-com. (Eichner has maintained that the movie isn’t strictly autobiographical but that it does borrow from his own life.) Romantic comedies are rare at this point, and romantic comedies about two gay men, starring two gay men (and an all-LGBTQ cast) are even rarer. Bros has the unfortunate pressure of being revolutionary by simply existing. Never mind that “revolutionary” in this case is more about how slow mainstream Hollywood can be when it comes to depicting LBGTQ relationships rather than any genuinely groundbreaking concepts that Bros contains. That’s an incredible amount of pressure to place on a movie about two conventionally attractive (one looking like a Marvel superhero) cis, gay white men who fall in love. It’s not a particularly easy position to be in. Eichner has drawn fire for trying to talk about the importance of Bros while simultaneously, and perhaps inadvertently, putting other LGBTQ movies down. He also has described the act of seeing the movie as a form of active resistance against Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas’s view on gay rights. I do not believe Bros’ box office will necessarily determine the future of Obergefell v. Hodges. But the movie is concerned with the specifics, meaning, and pressures of gay culture. As its title suggests, Eichner’s script roasts gay male culture and its obsessiveness with masculinity and muscles. The way traditional, heterosexual masculinity is lauded in gay male culture is a gay conundrum that should be made fun of more, and Eichner is more than skilled at doing so. What caught me off-guard, though, is how thoughtful Eichner is when it comes to mapping out his own character’s vulnerability. In a way that his comedy often elides, Bros has Bobby connecting the dots between cynicism and a pursuit of happiness. It’s terrifyingly intimate territory. I thought I knew Billy Eichner to be someone cynical, who’d written off romance, but Bros reflects a curiosity about how love functions in the heads and hearts of gay men. It’s a question worth exploring. Bros is a story of a neurotic boy standing in front of another boy, asking him to love him Bros operates on a gimmick: It asks explicitly what a gay love story could look like, free from hetero norms, and then, by coincidence, its hero has a chance to answer that question. The question comes to Bobby at work. He’s an award-winning podcaster who lands a dream gig of curating the country’s first LGBTQ+ museum in New York City. The museum gig is a vehicle for the movie to talk about queer history. Specifically, it’s a chance for Bobby to wrestle with the idea of how much same-sex marriage — the biggest pop culture touchstone when it comes to gay rights — factors into the identity of the museum and his own identity as a gay man. Bobby is an intellectual and political crank, an antithesis to the movie’s title. “Bro” itself implies a simpleness of being. Bros are part of the same genus as himbos, a laid-back species of masculine men. Bobby’s never laid-back; he’s argument-prone and hyper-aware. He’s funny in a way that complaints about failing bodies are funny, and watching him navigate through the world of gay male desire — hookup apps, flirty texts, DMs slides, and circuit parties — is sometimes hilarious, often at his own expense. Same-sex marriage ushered in a wave of tolerance and economic benefits for LGBTQ people, but Bobby’s a bit skeptical. To him, the advantages of gay marriage have also come at a price: the sanding down of the edges of gay life (even if he’s not partaking in those edges) into something more palatable for straight consumption. The years and years spent trying to convince straight people that LGBTQ people are just like them was maybe too effective, particularly when it comes to sex and romance. Bros/Universal Pictures Luke MacFarlane probably does push-ups! To Bobby, straight people love Schitt’s Creek and its earnest gay romance because it’s egregiously, dopily unsexy — also the big reason he hates it so much. And oh my god, does Bobby really hate Schitt’s Creek. Since he doesn’t want the museum to pretend that same-sex marriage is the final, happy ending for queer rights, Bobby challenges his colleagues and his friends to imagine what an actual gay love story for gay people looks like. It’s a clever nod to the problem of creating a gay rom-com that doesn’t look like the same old straight stuff. Then, at a shirtless party, Bobby meets Aaron (Luke MacFarlane), a lawyer specializing in estate planning. That means that Aaron helps people draw up paperwork and decide where their money will go when they die. But Aaron doesn’t look like the kind of person who would have this job, gently guiding people to death. Aaron looks like a Barry’s Bootcamp instructor, someone you pay to be mean to you in a fitness way. He’s the kind of handsome that you can’t tell if you’re attracted to him or just want to have his pecs. Bobby and Aaron’s meet-cute isn’t really a conversation since the music is too loud (one of my homosexual friends refers to the music played at shirtless gay dance parties as “bing bong stuff”). It’s also not really a conversation because Bobby is mostly just yelling complaints about the party at Aaron. It works though, and Bobby and Aaron spend the rest of the movie figuring out whether and how much the other one likes them. There’s plenty of guy-on-guy sex happening in Bros, some of it hot and fun, some of it silly, and some of it both. Again, because of the relative lack of big Hollywood movies centering gay men and the sex they have, showing gay group sex might be seen as audacious or groundbreaking. But the most daring thing Bros does is trace the psychology of Bobby’s emotional intimacy. Bobby is hesitant to open up to Aaron, in large part, due to not feeling handsome or muscular or successful enough to warrant the affection of someone who is as handsome, as muscular, or as successful as Aaron. Admittedly, I’m not up to date on the latest heterosexual trends and best practices, but I don’t believe feeling like someone is out of your league is exclusively a queer problem. There’s plenty going on beneath the surface, though. As Bobby tells Aaron, he spent his whole childhood and adolescence being told to be anyone but the person he was. It’s a common experience for many little gay boys. Those kids grow up and that message takes its toll. Many gay men then spend an inordinate amount of their adult lives unraveling that damage, cleaving away the artificial parts of themselves they’ve built to find acceptance and finally rediscovering, sometimes too late, the tender bits that they discarded. A lot of the movie and a lot of Eichner’s comedy satirizes this trauma, stretching it to the point of neurotic derangement — Eichner once told James Corden and a slightly unamused Riley Keough about not feeling handsome enough to warrant a happy ending after a massage. Bobby’s insecurity, his deep belief that everything — Aaron, his job, his success — can be yanked away at a moment’s notice, comes from the same place as the stress of not being hot enough for a hand job, but it’s delivered without the defense humor provides. When the movie gives us a glimpse into Aaron’s life, we see what these very different men have in common. They have the same experience of hiding themselves, but just broke in different ways. Aaron compensated by following a career path and workout regimen that was supposed to get him to a place where he’d be happy. Despite the abs, wealth, and validation, his happiness is also unfortunately tethered to a fear of losing it all. Bros/Universal Pictures This is the staff in the movie that’s in charge of curating a museum of LGBTQ culture. It’s quite likely that they are making fun of Schitt’s Creek in this moment. Love, then, is a surreal thing for two men who have constantly been told it’s conditional. It’s somehow even more fragile when they come to the realization that they want it. Bobby and Aaron’s relationship is as much a negotiation of their own hangups and feelings of desire as it is wading through each other’s fears and insecurity to better understand each other. And of course, that’s exactly the kind of complicated gay love story that Bobby would love to see reflected in his museum exhibit. The pressures of gay life — whether that’s adhering to and later breaking norms in search of happiness, navigating sexual and aesthetic expectations, trying to forge an authentic life, or even speaking for the community through a museum exhibit or a de facto revolutionary movie — can feel enormous. And it’s thrilling to see it explored in romantic comedies like Bros. Hopefully, though, there’ll be a time where there’s not so much pressure to be “revolutionary.”
vox.com
NFLPA to use ‘every legal option’ to investigate Tua Tagovailoa concussion controversy
The NFLPA vows to pursue "every legal option" in the investigation into a potential protocol violation by the Dolphins concerning quarterback Tua Tagovailoa.
nypost.com
Anyone can now use powerful AI tools to make images. What could possibly go wrong?
If you've ever wanted to use artificial intelligence to quickly design a hybrid between a duck and a corgi, now is your time to shine.
edition.cnn.com
Supreme Court to hear high-stakes challenge to Clean Water Act
Also in today's edition: A key White House climate staffer is leaving his post.
washingtonpost.com
First on CNN: US government to provide $266 million to build community, public health work force
The US government is awarding more than $266 million from the American Rescue Plan to expand the nation's community and public health work force, officials will announce Friday.
edition.cnn.com
Putin Ally Bemoans War on Russia State TV: 'West Is Starting to Mock Us'
Russian presenter Vladimir Solovyov, nicknamed "Putin's voice," claimed that "the whole West is starting to mock us."
newsweek.com
UFC Fight Night 211 weigh-in results and live video stream (noon ET)
Check out the results from the official UFC Fight Night 211 fighter weigh-ins.      Related StoriesUFC free fight: Islam Makhachev tears through Dan Hooker in Round 1Bellator 286 weigh-in results (noon ET)Patricio Freire planning eventual title chase at 135 – but says A.J. McKee trilogy looms, too - Enclosure 
usatoday.com
Putin prepares to annex areas of Ukraine: U.S. says Russia's actions illegal, illegitimate: Live updates
Russian President Vladimir Putin is expected to announce the illegal annexation of parts of Ukraine following widely discredited referenda.       
usatoday.com
Iran’s security forces have little incentive to ease up on protesters
Whether Iran's security forces grappling with a wave of protests remain loyal to the regime might depend on their business networks, research suggests.
washingtonpost.com
South Carolina braces for Hurricane Ian; 2M in Florida without power as deaths likely rise: Live updates
At least 14 deaths have been confirmed in Florida as Hurricane Ian picks up steam before slamming into South Carolina and Georgia coasts.      
usatoday.com
Russian Attack Kills at Least 25 in Ukraine, Ahead of Kremlin Annexation
The salvos of Russian strikes reported in Ukrainian cities together amounted to the heaviest barrage that Russia has unleashed for weeks.
time.com
Coolio ‘very happy’ and ‘engaging’ just days before death
The "Gangsta's Paradise" rapper posed for selfies with fans at the Houston airport Friday before performing in what would be his final concert that night.
nypost.com
5 women who should have won a Nobel Prize
It was an all-male lineup last year for the Nobel Prizes in medicine, physics and chemistry. However, there's no shortage of worthy female science laureates. Here are five female scientists who deserve to win the accolade and their life-changing discoveries.
edition.cnn.com
There are more electric vehicles on the road than ever. See where charging gaps are on US highways.
Metro areas are further ahead than states with smaller populations in the central and western US, like Montana, Wyoming and the Dakotas, a CNN data analysis shows.
edition.cnn.com
Can Porsche cure an ailing IPO market?
Warnings of global recession are widespread, inflation is persistent and Russia is escalating the crisis in Europe. The macro picture for the economy is bleak, and markets are suffering. But in the midst of all of this turmoil, luxury automaker Porsche managed to make one of the biggest market debuts in European history on Thursday.
edition.cnn.com
Chernobyl Radiation Caused Frogs to Genetically Mutate, Turning Black
Fifteen generations of frogs have been born since the worst nuclear accident in history, and may be evolving a resistance to radiation.
newsweek.com
Grieving Dog Missing His Sibling Goes Viral: 'Heartbreaking'
"A 50-year-old man should not be tearing up this much sitting on the toilet at work and yet here I am," wrote one TikToker about the footage of Eli.
newsweek.com
Watch US Coast Guard rescue woman from flooded neighborhood
The US Coast Guard rescued a woman from her flooded neighborhood in Sanibel Island, Florida - one of the hardest hit areas of Hurricane Ian.
edition.cnn.com
Is Zach Wilson ready to start saving the Jets?
Zach Wilson’s first start of the season for the Jets presents hope and possibility.
nypost.com
We care about depression and anxiety. Where's the empathy when it comes to manic episodes?
In an era hailing mental health awareness, bipolar disorder is still a misunderstood and stigmatized diagnosis,      
usatoday.com
Senate preps piecemeal plan for NDAA
politico.com
Donald Trump Interview Removed by YouTube Decried as 'Insane' Censorship
Ted Cruz was one of those to speak out after the former president's July appearance on the "Clay Travis & Buck Sexton Show" was taken down.
newsweek.com
Hurricane Ian approaches South Carolina; 2M in Florida without power as deaths likely rise: Live updates
At least 14 deaths have been confirmed in Florida as Hurricane Ian picks up steam before slamming into South Carolina and Georgia coasts.       
usatoday.com
Maren Morris defends getting ‘heated’ amid Brittany, Jason Aldean feud
"It's not like we're talking about what your favorite color is. We're talking about people's lives," the singer said. "I do get extremely emotional."
nypost.com
Bellator 286 weigh-in results (noon ET)
Check out the results from the official Bellator 286 fighter weigh-ins, which feature Patricio Freire vs. Adam Borics in Long Beach, Calif.      Related StoriesPatricio Freire planning eventual title chase at 135 – but says A.J. McKee trilogy looms, too - EnclosurePatricio Freire planning eventual title chase at 135 – but says A.J. McKee trilogy looms, tooA.J. McKee: Patricio Freire and I 'need to settle this,' but Bellator 286 is 'Spike Carlyle's night' 
usatoday.com
A Person Dies of Hunger Every Four Seconds | Opinion
Feeding the hungry must become a priority for everyone.
newsweek.com
What we get wrong about being in love
Christina Animashaun/Vox; Getty Images Carrie Jenkins on what philosophy can teach us about love and heartbreak. Do we need a new vision of romantic love? When you think of romantic love in popular culture, you probably think of one of two things: limitless joy or unspeakable sorrow. Pick your favorite stereotype: obsessed teenagers who can’t leave each other’s side until some youthful misdeed leads to a cry-fest. Or maybe it’s the romance novel depictions of infatuated adults tangled up in passionate love triangles. The point is, even if we know real relationships are much more complicated than this, we’re still drawn to misleading models of romantic love. A new book by the philosopher Carrie Jenkins, called Sad Love: Romance and the Search for Meaning, wants to scrap these simplistic stories and replace them with something richer and more complicated. For Jenkins, the problem isn’t that we imagine love as either blissful or tragic; it can certainly be both. The problem is that we expect love to mean happiness. And if we’re not happy, we think we’ve failed. But Jenkins says we should recognize that the pain and difficulties of love are not just unavoidable — they’re actually part of what makes love worthwhile. So the way we talk about love should reflect this. There’s so much to chew on in this book, and ultimately what it offers is more than a theory of love. It’s a philosophy of life. That’s why I invited Jenkins to join me for an episode of Vox Conversations. Below is an excerpt, edited for length and clarity. As always, there’s much more in the full podcast, so listen and follow Vox Conversations on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Sean Illing You say that we tend to imagine love as a “failure condition.” What does that mean? Carrie Jenkins I say that if we are sad when we’re in love, it’s seen as a failure because love’s supposed to be about being happy ever after. If your relationship’s going well, we say we’re happy with the person, or we’re happy together. Happiness has just come to stand in for your love life going well. If we’re sad or if we’re angry, where does that leave us? Does that mean our relationships aren’t working? Does it mean we are not in love? Or even worse, does it mean we’re unlovable? What if we’re depressed? When I started writing this book, I was really depressed, and I was genuinely worried about how that left me for being capable of love and capable of being loved, because I didn’t think I was gonna be happy ever after. At some points, I had no hope of that even. I still thought I could love someone. I still thought someone could love me. So I wanted to know why we think of happiness as the success state for love and anything else as a failure condition. Sean Illing It’s either a Greek tragedy or just unspeakable bliss. And that seems a little too neat. Carrie Jenkins Well, it’s all extremes, right? We are either ecstatic, waking up every morning, singing. Or they don’t love you back or they’ve left you or something, and it’s a complete tragedy, drama. Nothing in the middle, nothing normal, nothing boring. Sean Illing And what you call “sad love” — how is that different from the myth of romantic love? Carrie Jenkins What I try to do is talk about a kind of love that has space for the full range of human emotions. That includes happiness, of course, but also sadness and anger. And also just the day-to-day, grayscale grind of getting up and going to work and not feeling particularly any kind of way about that, just doing it. Those are most people’s lives day to day. Most people are not particularly happy all the time. Most people are not particularly sad all the time, although some of us have experienced that. But what I want to say is all of these emotions are valid. All of these feelings are part of being human and being alive. And I think that means they should be part of love. I want to move away from defining love in terms of happiness, the way that that romantic myth tends to do, the “happy ever after” love. Now, sometimes, you could be sad for reasons that do indicate there’s a problem. And we can talk about that as well, but just being sad by itself doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your love life or with your life in general — sometimes being sad is the right response to the world. Sometimes the world is a sad place, you know? Sean Illing You point out that we seem so much more willing to accept sad parental love than we are sad romantic love. Sad parental love, as you say, is not seen as a failure. That’s just what it is, it’s just baked into the cake. Whereas romantic love, if you’re experiencing sadness, something must have gone wrong. And that’s therefore an indictment maybe of the whole relationship. Carrie Jenkins And this temptation to externalize it and say, “The other person is not making me happy.” That can be really toxic, too. Like it’s anyone else’s job to make you happy. That’s not necessarily what love is for or what love is about. One way I sometimes think about it is, I don’t think that the most valuable thing in my life is me being happy. Don’t get me wrong. I like being happy. I’ll take it if that’s available, but there are things that mean much more to me. And I think when people have children, we tend to understand this. You’re gonna have a rough time, but there’s something about that that means much more to you. And there’s something about that goal of raising your kids that is valuable and meaningful in a way that’s not really about happiness or your happiness. That is a useful way to think about this stuff sometimes. Sean Illing It’s a very existentialist book because it’s trying to map out a vision of love that’s truly compatible with freedom. I think that’s also what makes it very hard for people to practice in real life. We all want to love someone. We all want someone to love us. But the truth is that we often want someone to love us on our terms. And that’s problematic, if I’m reading you right. You write: “The other human being involved in such a relationship is presumably an autonomous agent with their own free will, not a prize you get for being a good person.” Carrie Jenkins I’d go so far as to question whether that can even count as love. Because it’s almost like you’re not really loving that person. You are just loving something that happens inside of you when you are around that person. If you are not working in a collaborative spirit with them on things that are meaningful to them and to both of you, then yeah, I’m not really sure that I would wanna say that’s love at all. There’s also another risk that’s close to that one, which is where we tend to see a partner as a kind of social status symbol. Like, “Look at me, I’ve been able to attract this person.” When we’re thinking about it in that way, that again can be incredibly toxic. Not only because we’re not seeing the other person — we are just thinking about how being with them is a benefit to us. Sean Illing I’m married; I’ve been with my wife for 11 years now. We’re in a pretty challenging stage of life. We have a 3-year-old in the house, and that’s its own kind of tornado. But like everyone, we’re — both of us — changing and evolving. Hopefully productively, as we get older, often in unexpected ways. Anyone who’s a parent knows that it changes you. And the question we’re always asking is, how do we allow each other to grow and change without imposing our own expectations, or our own desires, on each other? And it’s really hard. There are inevitable clashes. And my biggest worry is that we might allow ourselves to believe the lie that love consists in the loss of our own agency, our own freedom. And that’s not really true. It only appears true if you’re attached to an unhealthy vision of love. But at the same time, if you’re going to love someone in a way that respects their autonomy, that means you’re not in control of them, and they don’t exist just for you, to make you feel secure or whatever. And that means you have to let go. And that’s hard and scary. Carrie Jenkins Yeah. It’s scary. And I get it. I do. The thing about that is, if we don’t face that fact about needing to respect a partner’s own autonomy, it doesn’t make it not a fact. They still might grow and change in ways that pull them, maybe, away from us. We actually can’t stop that from happening whatever we try to do. But if we don’t look it in the face, we can kind of kid ourselves that it’s not true. So then, what’s gonna happen if we do that? I mean, maybe we’ll get lucky and nothing bad will happen. Another possibility, though, is we’re gonna be blindsided when that day comes because we’ve been ignoring the fact that our partner is their own person. We might even have brought it on by doing that, if we’ve been treating the person as though they’re just there for us. Sean Illing So if romantic love is this rich, dynamic thing that involves the entire spectrum of emotion, and it’s full of all these contradictory needs and desires, how do we know when it’s just not working? How do we know when it’s time to move on? Carrie Jenkins There’s a lot to be said about thinking, not necessarily just in terms of when to move on, but to think about how things can change. So an individual person grows and changes over time, and relationships, if they are healthy, will grow and change over time as well. Part of what worries me about the romantic myth is that we’re supposed to be just the same way we are now forever. That never happens. Everybody changes. And if your relationship doesn’t change, then it’s going to die. Anything alive is gonna grow and is gonna change. So what I’m sometimes tempted to think about is how a relationship to another person needs to change, rather than what needs to end or be removed. And I’m not talking here about if you’re in an abusive relationship, or if things have gotten bad enough that you’re being harmed. That situation needs to end. Don’t get me wrong. But if you’re just realizing you’ve grown apart from someone in certain kinds of ways, and you’re no longer really engaged in the same lives anymore — once we’ve stepped away from thinking there’s only one story for how a loving relationship can look, we’re at liberty to say, “Okay, well, how could our loving relationship look if we only overlap in this much of our lives instead of that much like we used to? And what does that look like?” And then you can have a conversation about, does it look like being friends? Does it look like being lovers who only see one another somewhat occasionally? Does it look like becoming non-monogamous? There’s lots of ways that relationships can change that we’re just kind of trained out of considering as options. I just wish we were more aware of those possibilities for ways that love can change and grow over time. Because actually I think the “happy ever after” mythology and its associated conception that romantic love never changes is the exact thing that leads to all kinds of heartbreak and unnecessary separations and devastating breakups. Sean Illing One of the things I most appreciate about the argument you make in the book is that you emphasize love as a verb, not a noun. We have this idea of love as a passive thing, that it’s about feeling something rather than doing something. But that’s wrong. Love is not something you have — it’s something you do. Carrie Jenkins It’s not something you just fall in, like a hole in the ground, right? You don’t just find yourself in a loving relationship one day. You can have some feelings, then, what do you do with that? Sean Illing You reference Victor Frankl quite a bit in the book, the famous Austrian psychiatrist who survived the Nazi concentration camps. And we both agree that he’s right when he says that the goal that makes life meaningful has to be something that points beyond ourselves. But for that exact reason, it means we can’t do this alone. So whatever form of love we aim at, it can’t just be about individual happiness. And part of figuring out how to love and, really, how to live, is knowing ourselves: what we value, what we want, what really matters. But if you accept this very existentialist insight — and I do; I think you do as well — if you accept that our identities aren’t fixed, that we’re making it up as we go, then you also have to accept that there’s no one-size-fits-all model of love. And what you need from people and what they need from you will constantly change. If the person you love or the people you love don’t recognize that, then you have to really ask yourself if that’s the kind of love you want, or if it’s even love at all. Carrie Jenkins Right. If they’re loving something that they had in mind that you might be, but it’s not you, then they’re loving something that really is inside of them all along, and not the self, the being that you are, which is a living thing that grows and changes. Sean Illing Or if they love a version of yourself that you’ve grown past. Carrie Jenkins Exactly. Right. They love a past time-slice of you. Sean Illing I think that happens a lot. Carrie Jenkins You’re right that Victor Frankl’s a huge influence here. He’s actually the reason for the subtitle of this book. So it’s Sad, Love: Romance and the Search for Meaning, and Frankl’s book was called Man’s Search For Meaning. But that’s why I chose that phrase for my subtitle: to respect what Frankl is saying about how you have to place meaningfulness and what you actually value at the center, and not happiness, in order to survive difficult situations.
vox.com
A Trove of Elon Musk’s Text Messages Was Just Released. Here Are the Most Revealing.
Joe Rogan texted, “Are you going to liberate Twitter from the censorship happy mob?”
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Brothers in Texas arrested after 2 migrants shot near Mexico border
One brother opened fire on a group of migrants getting water, killing a man and wounding a woman, according to court documents.
cbsnews.com
Video: Watch Friday's Bellator 286 ceremonial weigh-ins live on MMA Junkie at 3:30 p.m. ET
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