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Norm Macdonald’s best jokes and quotes from an illustrious stand-up career

The late comedian had a dry delivery and always sounded like he was just figuring out the joke (or whatever he was saying) as he went along.
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Location of boyfriend of missing 22-year-old now unknown, family says
Brian Laundrie refused to talk to police about his girlfriend's disappearance.
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Zero vision: Traffic deaths soar as de Blasio’s NYPD cuts enforcement, report shows
The streets are as mean as ever — likely because the enforcement has never been less -- despite Mayor Bill de Blasio claiming traffic safety as one of his top priorities over two terms.
Inside the creation of the US-Australia submarine deal
American and Australian officials have been in highly secret talks for months over a plan to share technology for nuclear-powered submarines, a process that was hatched more than a year ago and accelerated after President Biden took office in January.
Bellator 266's Saul Rogers vows to display best version of himself after move back up to lightweight
Saul Rogers hopes changes made ahead of Bellator 266 lead to best performance yet.       Related StoriesBellator 266's Saul Rogers vows to display best version of himself after move back up to lightweight - EnclosureBellator 266's Mark Lemminger isn't intimidated by Gracie name, relishes underdog roleBellator 266's Mark Lemminger isn't intimidated by Gracie name, relishes underdog role - Enclosure
Liberty keep playoff hopes alive with win over Mystics
Natasha Howard scored 24 points, Sabrina Ionescu added 22 and the New York Liberty keep alive their playoff hopes with a 91-80 victory over the Washington Mystics on Friday night at Barclays Center. The Liberty (12-20) need Washington to lose to Minnesota on Sunday and have Los Angeles lose at Dallas that day as well....
Algeria's former President Abdelaziz Bouteflika dies at 84
Former Algerian President Abdelaziz Bouteflika has died at 84, the presidency said on Friday, more than two years after he stepped down under pressure from mass protests and the army.
Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz praised for their natural beauty in reunion photo: 'So refreshing'
"Charlie's Angels" co-stars Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz reunited for a sweet photo and an episode of the former's talk show "The Drew Barrymore Show."
Kym Whitley recalls the time singer Bobby Brown bit her
“He grabbed me and he went to my neck, and he bit it! [I gushed] blood and everything. I don’t know if he thought he was a vampire," Whitley explained.
Dua Lipa rocks trendy cutout pants for photoshoot – and fans are loving it: 'Alpha female'
The pop star displayed an eye-popping new look on Wednesday that sent shockwaves through social media to the tune of more than 3 million hitting the “like” button on a photoshoot Lipa posted to Instagram.
Chris Christie’s nephew’s bar mitzvah leads to COVID-19 outbreak, NJ school closure
A NJ school was forced to hold virtual classes on Friday after several students contracted the coronavirus while celebrating the bar mitzvah of former Gov. Chris Christie's nephew.
Botswana's shift to a knowledge-based economy
An awakening is occurring in Botswana as critical thinkers, creators and innovators are empowering their communities and embracing a new age where knowledge, not minerals, could define the southern African country.
Pregnant California woman beaten by Taliban has left Afghanistan, Rep. Issa says
A pregnant California woman who was left behind in Afghanistan has safely escaped from the country, a Republican congressman said Friday.
Millionaire Robert Durst found guilty of murder
A Los Angeles jury convicted Robert Durst on Friday of murdering his best friend 20 years ago. Durst, 78, was convicted of the first-degree murder of Susan Berman. (Sept. 17)
COVID vaccinations or negative test to be required at Dodger, SoFi stadium events
L.A. County will implement vaccine-or-testing requirements for large outdoor sporting events and theme parks as well as proof of vaccination at indoor bars, wineries, breweries and nightclubs.
SAG-AFTRA files labor dispute against DC Universe producers over web show
The filing is seeking compensation for “reuse” of clips on “DC Daily” — a Warner Bros. web series that featured footage from its DC projects, including "Doom Patrol."
Bellator vs. PFL? Scott Coker weighs in on potential cross-promotion – and its obstacles
After PFL owner Donn Davis and CEO Peter Murray expressed interest in cross-promotion, Bellator president Scott Coker weighs in.       Related StoriesBellator vs. PFL? Scott Coker weighs in on potential cross-promotion – and its obstacles - EnclosureBellator 266's Mark Lemminger isn't intimidated by Gracie name, relishes underdog roleBellator 266's Mark Lemminger isn't intimidated by Gracie name, relishes underdog role - Enclosure
Mysteries follow death of Alex Murdaugh’s housekeeper
South Carolina legal scion Alex Murdaugh plotted with another lawyer to steal $4 million from the children of his housekeeper, who mysteriously died at the attorney's home in 2018, a lawyer representing her children claims.
Texas Gov. Greg Abbott faces growing group of Republican long-shot challengers
Texas’ Republican Gov. Greg Abbott is facing a list of Republican challengers in his re-election bid despite receiving the coveted endorsement of former President Donald Trump.
Haitian migrants converge by Texas border bridge
Thousands of Haitian migrants have assembled in a Texas border town, presenting the Biden administration with a challenge as it tries to manage large numbers of asylum-seekers who have been reaching U.S. soil. (Sept. 17)
5 reasons why FDA advisers did not recommend Covid-19 booster shots for everyone
FDA vaccine advisers declined Friday to recommend the agency approve booster doses for everyone who got vaccinated six months ago or longer.
Study suggests microbiome could be key to losing weight
A new study out of Seattle shows that what's in your gut -- specifically the microbiome -- could have an impact on your ability to lose weight.
Pollak: 10 Civilians Killed in Kabul, 10 Unanswered Questions Biden Must Answer
The Pentagon appears to think the "tragic mistake" was legal. But there are several questions that still remain about the Aug. 29 strike.
NYC vaccination requirement becomes a flashpoint for U.N.
The Biden administration worries that this year's U.N. General Assembly could become a COVID-19 "superspreader event" as world leaders descend on New York City.
Father and son killed in fast-moving house fire in New Jersey
Firefighters save man's life on flight
Hostess attacked after asking for vaccine proof
Fight outside restaurant ends with 1 dead
Truck driver lifts the spirit of young boy
6 y/o girl shot multiple times while in vehicle
Meghan Markle's dad Thomas reacts to Time 100 cover: 'There are far more influential people'
The Duke and Duchess of Sussex were honored for their activism and philanthropy by friend chef José Andrés.
Mets’ Brandon Nimmo returns to lineup after hamstring injury
Less than two weeks after suffering a strained hamstring that put his season in jeopardy, Brandon Nimmo returned to the Mets on Friday night.
Romain Grosjean crashes Honda pace car at Laguna Seca while taping IndyCar video segment
Romain Grosjean had a rough start to his debut at Laguna Seca, crashing the Honda pace car while shooting a video segment for IndyCar.
Gabby Petito case: Brian Laundrie is now also missing, his attorney says
Brian Laundrie, the tight-lipped boyfriend of missing Long Island native Gabby Petito, is now missing himself. Laundrie's lawyer said his client's whereabouts are unknown.
Catholic group using geo-data to target parishes in Virginia governor's race
The political action committee CatholicVote is attempting to reach Virginia voters through data that identifies their respective parishes – reflecting how salient the faith has become in American politics under President Biden.
Candace Cameron Bure shoots down 'The View' return, calls co-host stint 'one of the toughest jobs' she's had
"A Christmas Detour" star Candace Cameron Bure said that she'll "never" return to "The View" full-time.
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Jets’ defense concentrating on eliminating ‘explosives’
A sign posted by Robert Saleh says it all: The Jets are out to keep opponents from explosive plays.
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VA to restore benefits for LGBTQ vets who received other-than-honorable discharges: report
The Department of Veterans Affairs will unveil plans Monday to restore full benefits for LGBT service members who left the military with a classification other than honorable discharge due to their sexual orientation, according to a report.
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NYC falling apart as de Blasio heads for exits, shocking mayor’s report shows
New York City has come undone in Bill de Blasio’s final year as mayor, with even his big-ticket initiatives proving disastrous while Hizzoner continued to focus on his public image with daily briefings about a pandemic even he acknowledged the city was ready to put in the rear-view, stunning new statistics show. The Mayor’s Management...
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Today in History for September 18th
Highlights of this day in history: Congress passes the Fugitive Slave Act; Anthrax tainted letters sent to NBC and the New York Post. (Sept. 18)      
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‘A Tragic Mistake.’ Botched Drone Strike in Afghanistan Raises Concerns Over Biden’s Counterterrorism Strategy
Days after ISIS-K terrorists killed more than 100 Afghans and 13 U.S. troops at Kabul’s airport, the U.S. military obtained intelligence that another attack was imminent. MQ-9 Reaper drones were deployed above the city, running wide race-track patterns day-and-night, hunting for the smallest clue that could potentially prevent another tragedy. Based on the information that…
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Inside 'Everybody's Talking About Jamie's moving tribute to the AIDS generation
The cast and creatives explain why 'This Was Me' has Section 28 protest reenactments and archival footage of Princess Diana.
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Bravo nixes 'Real Housewives of New York City' reunion
Bravo has scrapped the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" reunion due to "scheduling challenges," according to a spokesperson for the network
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Bellator 266's Mark Lemminger isn't intimidated by Gracie name, relishes underdog role
"I think Lemminger carries more weight, but I've got to prove that Saturday night."       Related StoriesBellator 266's Mark Lemminger isn't intimidated by Gracie name, relishes underdog role - EnclosureAfter years of dabbling in MMA, NCAA champ Jesse Delgado finally ready for pro debut at Bellator 266After years of dabbling in MMA, NCAA champ Jesse Delgado finally ready for pro debut at Bellator 266 - Enclosure 
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Joe Judge has slew of problems to fix after Giants’ gut-punch
Enjoy your weekend, Giants fans. Be emboldened that Joe Judge's decisions cannot hurt you this Sunday.
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Angry and afraid, Afghanistan's LGBTQ community say they're being hunted down after Taliban takeover
Growing up as a teenager in Afghanistan, Rabia Balkhi felt lucky.
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